Best Chips and Salsa
El Azteca
714 Chestnut Street
(215) 733-0895
Everyone knows that margaritas and chips and salsa go hand-in-hand. Luckily, El Azteca has got both of those down to a tee. El Azteca's salsa is blended to perfection. Their prize concoction is spicy enough to tickle your taste buds but not so strong that it will give you a seizure. The only downside to this restaurant, mi amigo, is that the salsa is the only thing that won't leave you with a case of Montezuma's revenge. By then end of a night at El Azteca, you will be screaming "Aye Chihuahua!"
Best Post-Lipo Eats
Founders Cafeteria
Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania
2nd floor Founders Building
3400 Spruce Street
Finally, a meal that you can wear your scrubs to! Though the cashier is more likely to accept your BlueCross/BlueShield card than your Penncard, the Aramark-run HUP cafeteria is a convenient option when the post-liposuction blues have got your flabby ass immobile. While you're there, check out the fully stocked salad bar and the prepackaged chocolate and carrot cakes. (Just don't tell Phil, the cardiac patient in the next bed, what you've been scarfing down; you don't wanna make him jealous!)
Best Smoking Restaurant that Doesn't Make you Feel Cancerous
Blue in Green
7 N. 3rd St.
(215) 928-5880
If Philly Diner and White Dog had a love child, and it was blessed with the best, most rad and delicious aspects of both eateries, it would probably be a lot like Blue in Green. Situated on Jewelers Row, Blue in Green combines tasty, healthy diner fare like mixed berry pancakes and turkey with chutney sandwiches, with late hours, breakfast all day, cocktails and cigarettes.
Best First Date Restaurant
Marathon Grill
40th and Walnut streets
(215) 222-0100
There are so many reasons why Marathon Grill is the best first date. Statistics have proven that people who take first dates to Marathon are 832% more likely to get action afterwards. Make sure to stop across the street at FreshGrocer on the way back to your place to pick up strawberries and whipped cream. However, if your date doesn't go well, you can look around and fantasize that you're on a date with one of the gorgeous people that work there.
Best Middle Eastern Food Truck
Rami's Luncheonette
40th and Locust streets
The conspicuously Mediterranean man at Rami's always asks me before I place my weekly order: "What can I get for nice young lady?" Well Rami -- if that even is your name -- what does a nice young lady want other than a lot of rotund, steaming balls of mashed up chickpeas? Like dogs, falafel should be purebred: all chickpea. If you're desperate for a bite, make sure to ask Rami to pile on some feta, tabouli, hummus, hot sauce, whatever your heart desires. And here's the best part: no matter how much junk you add, your sandwich always seems to remain faithfully priced at $5. Junk is awesome, and Rami's junk is seriously good. Mmmm.
Best Place to Buy Pretentious Ice Cream
Capogiro
119 S. 13th St.
(215) 351-0900
Stepping into Capogiro, Philly's only gelateria, you might have to resist the urge to start chanting, "Euro ... Euro ... Euro!" Sure, it's a nod to the Italian culinary tradition, but given a trendy American spin; the result is that these "Gelato Artisans" -- a pretentious but altogether appropriate title -- have created a little piece of heaven. Plus the flavors, including Honeysuckle, Black Walnut, Burnt Sugar and the elusive Caped Gooseberry, are way cool and anti-generic.
Marilyn Monroe Best Place to Have Elective Surgery Performed
International Salon
1714 Sansom Street
(215) 563-1141
Sometimes you just want to be ... well ... bare down there. Emma is the self-professed "best waxer in the world." Part S&M, part Eastern European showdown, those in-the-know know to come here for all of their down there needs, because Emma may yell, and Emma may scream, but Emma always cares about those hairs. Just don't let your bush get too bushy, since you don't want to end up with Emma being the only one getting intimate with your cootchie snorcher. (And even Emma will be pissed if you wait more than a month between operations. Oh. And if you shave -- you're out.)
Best use of Pottruck
The Sauna
3701 Walnut Street
(215) 898-6100
The sauna, located in the doldrums of Pottruck, is the gym's best kept secret and hottest asset. Not only is the sauna a relaxing respite, but also the close quarters provide an ample opportunity to get to know some of your fellow undergraduates. For example, the Wharton tool is often found fondling someone's nuts under the guise of practicing his or her "negotiation" skills. Beside the Whartonite sits the rogue homeless person, or Penn wrestler as the case may be. Rounding out this diverse mix are the sorority girls bickering with the A's boys over which Spa is superior -- Golden Door or Elizabeth Arden. Pottruck may not be the Golden Door Spa, but your parents will beam with pride when you can truthfully tell them you went to the gym.
Best Place to Celebre-spot on Campus
Gap displays of Sarah Jessica Parker
3401 Walnut Street
(215) 387-0172
Every so often when I'm walking alone on Walnut, trying to get to Starbucks while avoiding the sugar-cinnamon aroma escaping from Auntie Anne's, I turn to the Gap displays for inspiration. SJ, you're like my fairy godmother -- please indulge me and answer a few important questions. How exactly do you stay so thin? Furthermore, how did you get to be so damn cool? You are the number one it girl; Manolo even named a stiletto after you. What the hell are you here doing in Philadelphia? Go back to New York where you belong and please stop false advertising -- no one looks good in khaki anything besides you.
Best Place to Find a Boyfriend
MFA Happy Hour
Meyerson Hall
For those of us that like that slightly anorexic, groovy and oh-so-androgynous aesthetic, it's clear that the Penn undergrad pool of hypothetical hookups is lacking. Luckily, with the inception of PennDesign in 2003, the Design grad students have increased in multitude and beauty, and better yet, they all congregate to drink free beer and smoke perfectly crafted hand-rolled French cigarettes on Fridays in front of Meyerson Hall. Stalkers and lusters of the world, unite.
Best Spanish-Speaking Undergraduate Career-Oriented Business Organization
Wharton Latino
Wharton Latino es la mejor organizaci?n de negocios para hispanohablantes del campus. Pero hay solamente una organizaci?n de negocios para hispanohablantes del campus. [Pausa] Anyway, for all of you who aren't bisexual, what I'm saying is that Wharton Latino rocks. You know when your ex gave that skank with the Times Square makeup a rose on Valentine's Day? Wharton Latino sold it to him to help educate children in South America. Don't you feel like a jerk now, huh? AViva el Wharton Latino!
Best Friends Forever
Some girl and her best friend
Some girl and her best friend have been best friends for, like, ever. (Forever meaning since they met online during rush freshman year and bonded like super glue over analyzing the negative effects of the weather on their flat-ironed hair. Isn't it amazing how close, meaningful friendships can begin so totally randomly?) Anyway, the two quickly realized that they actually hate each other, but since no Penn girl can survive for long without having an official BFF, they have decided to stick this one out. After all, without a BFF who do you dial while standing on line anywhere for more than one minute? Dial to avoid conversations with strangers in elevators? Force to check for food in your teeth? Have obnoxiously loud conversations about weekend plans in front of total strangers with? Seriously.
Best Vintage Boutique
Sugarcube
48 S. 3rd St.
(215) 238-0825
Back in the heat of the '60s, when your feminist ol' granny was burning her bra (okay, scratch that image, let's go with the flapper look), she was a fox, and now every fashionista on campus is lusting after her discarded treasures. Sugarcube has already done the arduous job of sifting through the muumuus and fringe vests from days of yore, so that you don't really have to worry about actually looking like your grandmother circa 2004. With a wide array of floral dresses, cowboy boots and trench coats, Sugarcube will inspire you to channel your creative side and to add a little flair to your current wardrobe.
Best Medical Bookstore
Dolbey's Medical Bookstore
3724 Spruce Street
(215) 622-6020
Here is a little known fact about Dolbey's Medical Bookstore: Dolbey's is to Medical Bookstore as Mecca is to the Nation of Islam. The folks at Dolbey's really know their shit. Live off campus and need a medical book -- Dolbey's. Recently, worn out your pair of orthopedic shoes and don't know where to replace them? One answer -- Dolbey's. Looking to marry a doctor? Hit on one at Dolbey's. Dolbey's may be the only official medical bookstore on campus, but that is only one of the myriad of reasons it's the best.
Best Department Store to Throw Up In
Lord and Taylor
1300 Market Street
(215) 241-9000
Lord and Taylor is Philadelphia's oldest department store. Not only does it hold the world's largest organ, but it's a great place to throw up in. They understood it was only a matter of time until students recognized how the dim lighting, run-down appearance, moth-ball aroma and generally depressing atmosphere induced nausea. Lord and Taylor needs a revival a la the 1987 hit Mannequin, in which Andrew McCarthy creates Kim Cattrall, a beautiful magical mannequin, falls in love and revives a dilapidated Philadelphia department store. Lord and Taylor should put out an ad: seeking beautiful mannequin with magical powers to put us back on top. Bulimics need not apply.
Best Place to Inflate Condoms and Then Race Your Friends Carnival Style
Condom Kingdom
437 South Street
(215) 829-1668
Does this need any explanation? You'll kill time at Spaceboy. You'll make jokes about the sex shop (well, shops). You'll see who's playing at the TLA. But we all really know that you're going to South Street for Condom Kingdom. And after you buy your penis pasta, there's nothing left to do but race. "Ms. Street," you say, "Can't we just do this at CVS?" And to that I say, "Mr. Reader, you sure can, but before you know it they'll be confiscating your ExtraCare card and throwing you to the curb with the empty bike rack and the homely-looking dog." And when you buy that pasta, make sure you make a joke about alfredo sauce. The clerk has never heard that one before.
Best Instant Breast Augmentation
H & M lingerie section
1530 Chestnut Street
(215) 561-6178
Guys, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Penn's females are just not as well endowed as they appear to be. Since most of you boys don't know this, having never actually gotten access to what lies beneath those padded bras, I feel it is my duty to direct you to the nearest H & M. The store houses an unbelievable selection of bras -- from racy red lacy ones to Snoopy ones that'll cater to the cradle-robbers among us. The prices are way better than those of the Victoria's Secret which is basically across the street, and dammit, it'll keep you guys hot until you manage to see the goods (or lack there-of).
Best Place to Buy Pretentious C's (cigarettes, cards, candy)
Avril 50
3406 Sansom Street
(215) 222-6108
So a pack of Gauloises costs close to $10, and you can pronounce approximately three percent of the magazines on sale. Still, there's no doubt that Avril 50 offers the best place to purchase your carcinogenic indulgences. The shop is cluttered, and things are out of place -- but then again, so are your priorities. With a wide selection of domestic and imported smokes, Avril will help give your cancer that cosmopolitan, international flair you've been searching for. Learn it. Live it. Cough it.
Best Place to Buy Pretentious Sneakers
Ubiq
1509 Walnut Street
(215) 988-0194
Although the name of Ubiq implies that their clothes can be found anywhere, the store is anything but that. Wedged in between retail moguls, Diesel and Puma, this hipster haven makes Urban Outfitters weep in jealousy. Here, you can find all the Nike Air Force One's and the latest Reebok Pharrell Williams-designed "Ice Cream" sneakers (they come out today) that will have you moonwalking down Locust Walk.
Best Place to Be
McDonalds
3935 Walnut Street
(215) 222-6266
What's so great about the McDonalds is the vast array of people it attracts. For example, Thursday through Friday nights, you will definitely see hoards of drunk Penn kids making a quick pit stop while searching for the next party. During the daytime, if you want to give away 20 bucks to a homeless woman who claims she will pay you back, McDonalds is where to go. However, I think what makes this place so great is the dedication of the workers. Not only do they serve your fries piping hot, they also warn you if the bathroom stinks like ass. They may even hand you an air freshener to spray it with. Now in my book, any place that has one of those cans in the bathroom is a top-notch place to be.
Best Place to Move After Graduation
Berlin
Whether you're an artist, a writer or a former member of a communist regime, this war-torn German jewel is becoming the hippest urban hotspot. While the rest of Penn struggles to find jobs, Berliners on both sides of that pesky wall spend their time getting sloshed at gallery openings and speaking a really, really funny language. So slap on the lederhosen, and get ready to get to trinke some bier tonight.
Best Coolest Place
Class of 1923 Ice Arena
3130 Walnut Street
(215) 898-1923
Mr. Maxwell Fontana was the President of the Class of 1923, and this guy was so cool because he kept his knickerbockers buckled below his bottom. He was the Fonzie of his day. Naturally, when the alumni association came knocking on his door, he wanted the coolest place on campus to be named after his class. The Class of 1923 Ice Rink defines cool with the temperature being maintained at a frosty 29¬F. Among the amenities are private lessons in addition to Friday and Saturday public skating sessions.
Best Pinball Arcade
University Pinball Arcade
4006-08 Spruce Street
(215) 842-8742
No Penn people really go here, so ... I decided to have my 21st birthday party at Allegro's across the street. However, Allegro's was packed with drunken college students, so we moved to the arcade only to find it filled with kids from high school. You remember high school -- secretly drinking Smirnoff Ice in your friends' backyards while their parents were on vacation in Palm Springs? Well, for these West Philly high schoolers, Saturday night equals a wholesome game of pinball at the arcade. Plus 40s.
Best Jazz Club
Natalie's Lounge
4003 Market Street
(215) 222-5162
When I was in middle school I had this online boyfriend who kept trying to convince me to meet him at this cool jazz club, but I wasn't allowed to, since it was past my bedtime. When I got to Penn and all of the guys I dated took me to Natalie's, it brought back memories of the times Lothario372 and I never spent together. Fine. No Penn boy has taken me to Natalie's, but that's because Penn boys are interested in one thing: getting you out of your pants ... so that you can sell them to purchase more coke. But if I did meet a boy who liked me for me and not because I have a cool screenname or expensive pants, I'd want him to take me to Natalie's.
Best Dirty and Artsy Bar
Doobies
2201 Lombard Street
(215) 546-0316
If you're tired of seeing the same six Pennsters drinking lagers at LT's while groovin' to the sweet sounds of Dispatch, then take the scenic walk down to 22nd and Lombard where you'll find the real thing. Doobies somewhat reminds me of my home dive, Tap a Keg, where the beer is nondescript and the waiter service is even more wonderfully unexceptional. Pitchers are cheap, and the gruff U. Arts clientele makes for fun pretentious music banter. If you are up for a bar where bands like, gasp, Sonic Youth frequently get played on the Jukebox, then check out Doobies. It really is -- as Tap a Keg claims to be -- "one Hell of a classy joint."
Best Lecture Hall
Logan G17
249 S. 36th St.
It's a stretch to call any classroom relaxing, but that's exactly what Logan G17 is. It doesn't matter what's going on in there; whether it's Dr. Stein's Econ 1 or Professor McInerney's Ancient Rome, G17 is all about reclining in the chair, checking out the Powerpoints and eating your lunch. It's also an impressively remodeled lecture hall, one of the few noticeable recipients of your $40,000 tuition. G17 is chill. A good place to bring a flask and get discreetly shitfaced.
Best Rendition of The Legend of Zelda Music
The Penn Band
Music fans everywhere panicked when the great era of bands covering video game music came to a close. Ozma covered the Tetris music. Group X did the Mario Bros. music. And before you know it, white guys everywhere were "ironically" covering rap. Fortunately, the Penn Band -- a bastion of good musical taste, as well as a conglomerate of the coolest people on campus -- came to the rescue. Sure you'll never be anywhere the Penn Band plays, but isn't it comforting to know that they're playing Nintendo music?
Best Beer Menu
Monk's Cafe
626 S. 16th St.
(215) 545-7005
The summer I turned 19 I was traveling around Europe with "friends." I really wanted to go to Belgium for my birthday, but they were all "eww, no" about it, and we ended up in the third class car of an overnight train. I puked. So, now, I just grab pints of Saison Dupont or La Moinette. Mine always taste kind of salty, 'coz of all the tears I cry about how my friends are huge bitches, but hopefully you won't have to deal with this. And if you do, well, alcohol makes best friends out of beat fiends. It's been working for me for almost 22 years now.
Best Roll
Gia Pronto Seeded Roll
3736 Spruce Street
(215) 222-7713
Quality bread choices around campus are seriously lacking. Cosi bread? Too salty. Multigrain loaf from Au Bon Pain? Touched by too many people. Free bread from Houston? Stealing sushi is the only perk of Aramark food. Gia Pronto's seeded role? Perfect. Who cares that they buy their products from Metropolitan? We don't. The only reason you buy salads from the "European Bistro" is so that you can stuff your face with their surprisingly delicious seeded rolls. Street understands your repressed carb cravings. My roommate always takes two. I suggest you follow suit.
