Worst place to have sex
On top of the Button
Look, before you say anything, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of moron has sex on top of the button, instead of under it?" Well, the answer is the kind of moron who is free of your cliched conventions and your planned unspontaneity, and who has the courage to free his mind, videotape himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, get caught videotaping himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, be handcuffed naked and thrown into a squad car, have to pay a large fine, do community service, attend sexual aggression classes, explain the whole thing to his parents and then have to speak at his old middle school about "D.A.R.E.-ing to be sexually safe."
worst place to Be a piece of toast
Franklin Field
You wouldn't believe this, but people have a habit of throwing toast at the track of Franklin Field. I've actually tried it before, but it's just not my bread and butter! I mean, it must be pretty crumb-y for the toast! Oh, man, I'm on a roll!
worst line to get in
Marbar on Saturday night
Marbar sucks. People wait in line to get into Marbar. Ergo, people who wait in line to get into Marbar suck. Socratean is believin'. Jesus ate unleavened bread. So sayeth the baker and the candle-stick maker. Ya ya booty, ya ya ya booty. Ya ya booty, ya! You need to sing this out loud, bee tee double ewe.
worst place to buy rural clothing
Urban Outfitters
A $48 Lux Voile Peplum Cinc Blouse. In Nebraska, they can't even pronounce that. In West Virginia, they can't even afford it.
worst mexican food
Greek Lady
What kinda Mexican food joint doesn't have burritos, I ask you? A crappy one, that's what. If you ask me, their food tastes more Mediterranean than anything else.
worst fresh grocery
The Freshgrocer
Look at me, I'm Fresh Grocer, I'm all across the street from Marbar so I have to be all contempo and fancy. I take it up the ramp, but show me your receipt first.
worst place to build a random building
Southwest corner of Hill Field
Hill Field, where athletic students and other dubious characters frequent to play "this is our part of the field -- that is your part of the field." Of course, Penn joined the game and made it, "That's yours, that's yours and this is the McNeil Center for Early American Studies' part of the field."
worst english department location
3600 Market Street
I know you like "reading" and "Sylvia Plath" or whatever, but what's up with those random security guards in the front hallway? Did the DRL high school basketball team win a regional title? Maybe, just maybe, the administration might actually wreck this 36th and Market shit hole and finally build you another CVS.
worst place to do your business
Bathroom at Fisher Fine Arts Library
True, the poetry all over the stall walls can be as aesthetically pleasing as the building itself, as well as informative in a literary sense. But, except for the toilet paper, it really looks like Ben Franklin could have dropped a deuce in there.
worst place to take a class
DRL
I know you like "science" and "math" or whatever, but what's up with those random display cases in the front hallway? Did the DRL high school basketball team win a regional title? Maybe, just maybe, the administration might actually wreck this subway station shit hole and finally build you another CVS.
worst place to work out
First floor Pottruck
What a mindfuck. Looking through those glass windows is like witnessing a deranged science experiment: how many eating disorders running on treadmills can be forced to watch people eat Chinese food before they realize they're going nowhere fat? I mean, fast.
worst flyer-avoidance technique
iPod
Just because you have headphones on doesn't make you invisible to the desperate eyes of the guy blocking your path with his all-male-all-Mandarin-community-service-based a capella group palm card. Every time you don't take their flyer, a kitten masturbates.
worst matt Klapper facebook friend
600-way tie
Campus-wide burn! FACE! DIG! HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES! INSULT! INUIT! AN INUIT IS AN ESKIMO! FACE!
worst worst of penn idea
Ilena's idea to write a really long Worst of Penn to take up space so that we could go home
Really, who does she think she is? Walking around with that tattoo of the clock with wings. That's pretty ironic, Ilena, because time certainly flew when we did this. It's midnight and we're not done. All because of you. I don't mean that. I'm not being mean. What about mean as in average? That's a third use of mean. And that was the fourth use of mean. Oh, shit, this is some sort of big, gigantic circle. When's Eric going to speak up and say that he doesn't like this anymore? THERE! He said it! FACE, readership! FACE!
