On February 14, people worldwide will get together to celebrate their boyfriends and girlfriends, toast to Cupid and get laid. And for every person reveling in the happy times, there is someone else who is bitter and alone. Be you cynical, feminist, anti-Hallmark or just plain unattractive, food goes with yearly Valentine's Day depression like Natalie Portman and suckiness. Couples and their associations (mutual respect, love, companionship and conversation) are categorically overrated, which is why we suggest you embrace loneliness and set an uber-subversive trend by eating alone.
They say that the most significant relationship in your life is with yourself, which is why it is so important to let yourself know that you care, and that you're thinking of yourself on Valentine's Day. Show yourself the same kind of consideration that you show yourself by taking yourself out, getting yourself drunk and taking advantage of yourself (interpret that any way you want, we are drawing on some Christian Bale circa-Newsies fantasies). It sounds weird, but when the end of the night comes, and you and you still have that sparkle in your eyes, you'll be glad you did. And so will you.
