This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
College junior, Noble's got dark brown hair and dimples, and though he's almost 22, he readily admits that he still gets carded at Mad4Mex every time he goes.
"By now it's a joke, but, I mean, it's kind of crazy. People tell me I look 15, 16 everyday," he explains, giggling, shaking his leg a bit against the side of the bed he's sitting on.
"It's weird." But what's weirder is his relationship with his dog. Even as he sits on his bed, sipping a coke, he won't leave what he affectionately refers to as "the Beast" alone.
"His real name is Cocker, but, I mean, that's not what I call him," Noble says, stroking away.
"It's just like his show name. He's a beaut, isn't he? Wins awards and everything." At one point Norma Leachy, one of Noble's housemates, walks in without knocking. She doesn't seem to find Noble's relationship with "the Beast" odd at all. In fact, she doesn't turn her head, even when Noble starts repeating "C'mon boy, stay at attention," over and over, cursing occasionally.
"I guess it's sort of rare to have one of these living with you at an Ivy League college, but, I mean, it's a pretty lucrative thing for Andy," she says, putting her long brown hair up in a ponytail.
"And, I mean, I think it's pretty cool for everyone in the house. We've all gotten used to it. It's not like he makes us play with Cocker, or anything, unless we want to. Though, I think at this point all of us are involved in their activities in some way or another." So this heavy petting is just part of the pair's daily routine?
"Oh, no," Leachy says, pursing her lips.
"It's just sort of how they prepare before a performance, right Andy?" He doesn't answer her question. Still, she breaks his reverie, and after glancing at his watch, he stands up. Expletives abound.
"I'm fucking late," he says. "Tio's gonna kill me." And with that, he's up and running. Oh, and yeah. There's no canine in sight.
But what's weirder is his relationship with his dog. Even as he sits on his bed, sipping a coke, he won't leave what he affectionately refers to as "the Beast" alone.
"His real name is Cocker, but, I mean, that's not what I call him," Noble says, stroking away. "It's just like his show name. He's a beaut, isn't he? Wins awards and everything."
At one point Norma Leachy, one of Noble's housemates, walks in without knocking. She doesn't seem to find Noble's relationship with "the Beast" odd at all. In fact, she doesn't turn her head, even when Noble starts repeating "C'mon boy, stay at attention," over and over, cursing occasionally.
"I guess it's sort of rare to have one of these living with you at an Ivy League college, but, I mean, it's a pretty lucrative thing for Andy," she says, putting her long brown hair up in a ponytail. "And, I mean, I think it's pretty cool for everyone in the house. We've all gotten used to it. It's not like he makes us play with Cocker, or anything, unless we want to. Though, I think at this point all of us are involved in their activities in some way or another."
So this heavy petting is just part of the pair's daily routine?
"Oh, no," Leachy says, pursing her lips. "It's just sort of how they prepare before a performance, right Andy?"
He doesn't answer her question. Still, she breaks his reverie, and after glancing at his watch, he stands up. Expletives abound.
"I'm fucking late," he says. "Tio's gonna kill me."
And with that, he's up and running.
Oh, and yeah. There's no canine in sight.
When Chava-Sarah Rosenberg graduated from Wharton in '87, she knew she was going to go to law school.
"It seemed like an easy way to make money," she says, smiling, and spinning her office chair around twice quickly. "Plus, my dad's a lawyer, and he spent my whole childhood telling me how awful a career it was. 'Don't be a lawyer,' he would say. 'Just marry someone rich.' So of course I wanted to be a lawyer."
Rosenberg makes a bitter face and stands up, pacing around the room and lighting a cigarette. After a couple of minutes, she sits back down, and ashes into a vagina-shaped receptacle.
"I fucking hate my father," she whispers, taking another drag. "Fucking hate him."
It wasn't until her second year of law school that she realized she had made a major mistake.
"The only thing worse than my Dad is the NYU Law Review," she explains. "I was going to get stuck in some shitty office job, making money, but ready to kill myself. Still, I had a job as a summer associate at Wachtell lined up, and I wasn't going to turn it down."
That is, until she met Tung Mi at an East Village happy hour. Mi was then one of New York's most prominent hardcore pornographers, famous for challenging the industry to produce more plot-driven films. Rosenberg had never seen Mi's work, but she had heard of him, and his endowment. (As she tells it, few New Yorkers of the period hadn't. In fact, she says, slight bitterly, "I was to learn that few New Yorkers hadn't experienced it personally.") Within hours the two were in bed together. Within weeks, Rosenberg was going by the name Shebrew Pissalotta.
"They were the best of times, they were the worst of times," she reminisces. "I realized the only thing that would piss my dad off more than me being a lawyer was me being a porn queen. All the other girls were scared their parents were going find them out - I was the only one who shipped the Warts and Penis boxed set home for Channukah."
She and Mi were together for almost six years, before they had a very public breakup on the set of Santa Clause: Ho Ho Ho - one that left the porn world reeling.
"No comment, no comment, no comment," is all Rosenberg will say about that. Soon after, though, she decided her days of water sports ("I have biggest bladder ever," she says candidly. "Put me and a racehorse in the same room, and I swear to God, my puddle's bigger.") were over. Still, she wasn't ready to leave the biz. She just wanted to go where the real money was.
"I started Cunning Cunts Pictures, Inc. in '96, and we were based in Brooklyn," she says, waving her hand around her glamorous Center City office. "It was awesome. These are films for porn lovers who want a little more. They're for girls who are comfortable in any type of pearl necklace, guys who grew up getting hard to Lolita. I got the best girls, the best boys, the best trannies. We were having a ball, and raking it in."
And then?
"Word got out that they were going to outlaw smoking in bars, and I knew the New York scene was over," Rosenberg says, sighing. "The ban was passed in, what, March of 2003 or something, but we all saw it coming. Cunning moved to Philly in December of '02, and we haven't looked back since. "
Still, some of her talent stayed behind. She wasn't desperate for fresh faces, but she realized she could use a few good men - and women. As a student at Penn, Rosenberg interned with a few Philadelphia businesses, and upon her return to the City of Brotherly Love, a plan was hatched.
"I wanted to save people from what was almost my fate," she emphasizes, losing for one moment her shell of jaded toughness. "You become a lawyer because you don't realize what else is out there. So, I started the internship program. We have students working in almost every department of Cunning, from production to writing to performing. It's our third semester doing this, and we currently have almost 40 students working for us."
Some of the program's graduates leave disillusioned with the industry; a couple have even threatened to file sexual harassment suits against Rosenberg. (One boy, a former publicity intern who refused to give his name, alleges that Rosenberg's days of water sports are in fact far from over, and that she's ready to splash regardless of whether her partner's in the mood.) Most, though, love Cunning so much that they apply to stay on staff, despite fierce competition.
"Noble," Rosenberg affirms, "is a Ron Jeremy waiting to happen."
***
Sitting on one of Cunning's remarkably lavish sets, munching on some of the snack's from the buffet table, waiting for this evening's filming to start, Noble talks excitedly about his career's past and future.
"Until I got to college, no girl had even seen Cocker," he says. "What can I say? I was a short, nerdy kid with dimples. So, like, yeah, I would fiddle around, you know, pleasure myself, and I figured I wasn't like a bad size or anything, but I didn't really know what I was packing in my Calvins. Then, I got to Penn, and maybe my second week here my hallmates dragged me to a frat party. I really wasn't into drinking then" - in fact, Noble, still not into drinking, is now a teetotaler - "but I had a few beers, met a cute girl, and somehow ended up going home with her."
One thing led to another, and before Noble knew it, his pants were off, and Nicole Andolini's mouth had dropped.
"I'd never seen anything like it," Andolini admits. "I wasn't really a slut in high school, in maybe the traditional sense, but I'd done most of the debate team and half of the mathletes by graduation. It was a small school. So when Andrew first let the Beast loose, I was in shock."
The two have been together ever since. Noble never reads career services' publications, so it was Andolini who forwarded him Rosenberg's original e-mail, and he became one of the first talent interns.
"I'm just happy to be with him," Andolini says. "He's going to be a huge porn star, and he could have anyone-"
"Well, I sort of do," Noble says, interrupting her.
"Yeah, sure, at work he has anyone," Andolini says. "But, I mean, he could be dating any girl, and the fact that he and Cocker are still with me. I don't know. It means something."
Rosenberg knew from the second she saw the organ stashed in Noble's boxers that she was onto something.
"But I didn't realize immediately that the kid could act," she says. As an intern, he mainly had bit parts - he was Ginormous Dick #3 in Fuck Anything and Big-Penised Waiter #7 in Winnie the Poontang - but now he's starring in his own vehicles.
"People ask me sometimes why I don't just drop out," Noble says. "But I really enjoy my classes a lot."
An English major, he has maintained a 3.75 GPA, and is concentrating in Modernism.
"T.S. Eliot, Hemingway, William Carlos Williams, James Joyce..." Noble says. "I love them all. They're brilliant, brilliant guys. I'd give anything to write half as well as any of them."
Anything?
"Well, maybe not anything," he says, grinning, brushing his hand against his fly. "Not really anything."
Right now, though, he's arranged it so that he can work at Cunning and remain a fulltime student. Andolini works alongside him, in wardrobe.
"I make a shitload of money and have a great time," Noble says. "Chava-Sarah's my mentor. She's basically made my time at college what it is. I'll do this as long as I can, and when I'm washed up, I'll come back to school and get my Ph.D. I've always wanted to teach."
Well, just how big is Cocker?
"Buy one of my movies," he says jokingly. "Nahh, really he cocks in at about nine and a half inches, I think."
"Nine and three quarters on a good day," Andolini corrects. "Plus he can keep it up forever. Literally, almost indefinitely."
"It must have been all that sexual frustration in high school," Noble says, putting a hand on Andolini's thigh. "I have enough hard-on stored up to last a lifetime."
Andolini turns to whisper something to Noble, and the two stand up.
"We'll be right back," Noble says, and the couple disappears into one of the bedrooms on set, not bothering to close the door behind them.
***
Noble's the biggest student-star in Cunning's roster - many believe that he may win a well deserved Pria Prism, the porn world's equivalent to an Academy Award, for his work in Clam Bake - but he's far from the only one making waves.
Tio Fella has been working with Rosenberg a long time; in fact, he directed her back when she was still working for Mi's production company. When Mi closed up shop four years ago, Rosenberg hired Fella immediately.
"Getting college students to do this shit was brilliant," Fella says. "Like, take for example Mia Ehrlich. Kid's getting her degree in Physics right now or something. Pretty kid, but total freak, not the kind of girl any guy's going to go for, right? But turns out she can suck cock like nobody's business. The girl's scary ... No kidding, I've experienced it. It's like one, two, three, and you're watering her mouth with the purple hose. One, two, three, cum. God. Fucking unreal. And she takes direction well. She's not stupid. The girl's literally a genius."
College students, in the height of their sexual years, seem to be natural born porn stars.
"And essentially, they're all willing to pay for sex," Rosenberg says. "Seriously, why else do you think kids come to expensive colleges? They pay $40,000 a year to literally dick around. And what I've learned is, if you're willing to pay for sex, you're almost always going to be willing to get paid for it."
As Rosenberg talks, sitting on another revolving office chair, this time one placed in the warehouse she owns just outside of the Philadelphia city limits, where Cunning's films are taped, Fella is directing a scene starring Ehrlich, Noble and a varied group of non-Penn actors.
"That's good," Fella says. "That's good, Mia, but faster. Come on. This isn't Friday night at a frat party. Take nine."
And then Ehrlich is at it again. The scene, as Rosenberg described it, takes place at what is supposed to be a high school dance. Vitamin C's Graduation Song plays as awkward looking couples dance around the now naked Edgar and Rose - Noble and Ehrlich's characters.
"Your dick tastes so good, Edgar," Rose says, removing whatever portion of his penis she can fit from her mouth. "So good."
"Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me," Edgar says. The other couples start undressing, and going at it themselves. "Fuck me."
And then it is happening, hard and fast.
"Fucking A, Rose," Edgar screams. "Oh, shit. I hope this lasts forever."
45 minutes later, the scene is wrapped, and Ehrlich and Noble are back to being Mia and Andy. The two dress, Noble on the set, Ehrlich in her changing room, and say a rushed goodbye to Rosenberg on their way towards the door.
"Why so fast?" Rosenberg asks.
"Bio-chem test tomorrow," Ehrlich says.
"And I have a cappella rehearsal tonight," Noble says. "You're coming to the show next Thursday, right?"
"Of course I'm coming," Rosenberg says, pulling out her third pack of cigarettes today. "I'm there."
Then the two are gone, speeding towards the car service that will take them back to campus.
Gone until tomorrow evening, that is, when they're due back on set to film a three-way scene.
"Actually, it's a five-way," Noble says in the car service. "It was written by my friend Joey. He's an English major. It's gonna be really good."
Well then. A five-way.
