Just when saying "I'm 21" stopped sounding weird, only a few days stand between me and 22. Secretly, it pains me to admit that I am turning 22, since getting older stopped being fun at 18. Instead, my aging and subsequent introspection has shown me that I am a complete failure at life.
Because I am probably older than most of you, I feel appropriate in sharing the following. The purpose, of course, is to expose my signs of "life failure" to keep you from straying from the righteous path that I know you're on. Think of these as rules to live by, because in a world where we are all afraid to fail, the failures fear nothing. This is my goal. But do not be fooled -- my helping you is not an indication that I have turned a new leaf. As the first tip will tell you, I have ulterior motives. And so it goes...
1. Motivation can only be had for selfish reasons.
Nothing should ever be done unless it benefits you in some way. Don't leave your room unless there is free food or alcohol involved. Don't take part in career-aiding activities (school groups, internships, etc.) unless you're getting some free stuff. Most importantly -- and this is essential -- there shall be no form of good work ethic in your life.
None. Good work ethics are for intelligent people who actually want to do things well. No place for that mess here.
2. Allow insignificant people like professors to ruin everything you've worked for.
This works on two levels. Either a professor is so amazing that he/she makes you feel completely inadequate in your chosen field, or the professor is a complete jerk and you want to die at the thought of having to work with people like him/her. Because of the reputation of our institution (namely being too good for really bad Profs and not really good enough for the best ones), these professors are hard to find. If you need help with this one, feel free to come to me, as my dreams for the future have already been smashed to pieces and I can easily recommend some classes to aid in your destruction.
3. Repel, Repel, Repel
There is no such thing as a meaningful relationship in a life of failure. You can get away with having meaningless relationships, but, ideally, you should have none, at all. In fact, you should actually be repelling those you wish to attract. The only people that should be attracted to you must meet one of the following criteria: homeless, dirty and old or of the opposite sexual persuasion. It also helps if these kinds of people constantly talk to you in public and say things like, "You need someone to put it on you," or leave you drunk messages on your phone calling you "baby" ten times in one sentence. Extra points if construction workers make fun of you for getting stuck to some fly paper.
The preceding top three rules for an unsuccessful life are serious. They have come from 21 years, 11 months, and 28 days of failure. Pathetic-ness is an art, not a science, and as the great Oscar Wilde once said, "All art is useless." So am I, Oscar. So am I.
