The Aftermath
Filo's Restaurant and Lounge
408 S. 2nd St.
Mondays, 9 p.m., free
(215) 238-0151
DJ Adam Bomb plays hip-hop for people like me who can't dance and would prefer to listen to the music. All night, he spins tracks from the lyrically conscious hip-hop underground. Personally, I'm glad. It's bad enough that I can't dance, but when I'm forced to sit on the sidelines, listening to some incoherent Will Smith track, I grow ornery. Consider this lyric from "Big Willie Style." "Out for the night with my squad and we be flossin' / down the 15." Seriously. "We be flossin'" -- what could you possibly mean by that, Will?
Quizo
Fergie's Pub
1214 Sansom Street
Every Tue and Thu, 9:30 p.m., free
(215) 928-8118
www.fergies.com
The last time I played Quizo, my team came in second place. We tied for second, actually, and we would have come in first if my teammate, Kevin, hadn't insisted on changing one of the answers. "I think it makes more sense," he said, "to do pull-ups with your index fingers, not push-ups." The answer was, in fact, push-ups. He was wrong. But I don't harbor resentment. A win or a loss in Quizo is inconsequential. When the game ends, we will always return to our apartment, turn on our PS2, play Risk or toil over the facebook.com. We will always be losers.
Hunk Mania Saturdays
Polly Esther's
1201 Race Street
Saturdays, 9 p.m., free
(215) 851-0776
www.pollyesthers.com
Remember Wrestlemania, where ripped men bared their skin and danced around in a ring with each other? This is the exact same thing ... but with even more men. Snap into a Slim Jim, or whatever else you do at these events. Performers such as Nathan Lane, Elton John and Aaron Carter flock to the scene regularly. By the way, it's not a gay bar.
Tastytreats
Fluid
613 S. 4th St.
Saturdays, 9 a.m.-2 p.m., free
(215) 629-3686
www.fluidnightclub.com
?uestlove is revered as the best drummer in the hip-hop community. I am pretty sure he's the only drummer. I &uess he's a good DJ, too. All I know is that if his $kills on the turnt@ble are anything as innovative and complicated as his drumming, it's worth a shekel. Apparently, once you have made it in one genre of music, it is seamlessly easy to jump to another. Hats off to you, Ahmir.
Fast, Cheap, & Out of Control
Fluid
613 S. 4th St.
Sundays, 10 p.m., free
(215) 629-3686
www.fluidnightclub.com
While typical clubs try to lure in as many of the rich and glamorous elite as possible, Fluid prefers to mix things up. Hosting a party every Sunday night, Fluid opens its doors for those who prefer The Ramones and The Faint to the Ying Yang Twins. Though you might mistake these jive turkeys' grooves for deathly seizures, there's no need to worry -- it's just their way of chillaxin'. By the way, Celiac Disease is funny.
La Triviata
Woody's
202 S. 13th St.
Tuesdays, 8 p.m., free
(215) 545-1893
http://www.woodysbar.com/
Some of you who are new to Penn may not get the joke, but Woody's is, in fact, a gay bar. Get it? Heh. Heh. "Woody's." This name has no doubt inspired legions of frat boys to say something along the lines of "Heh. Heh. Woody's. Get it?" Because a woody is a euphemism for an erection, see? Regardless of this somewhat sophomoric humor -- and please do be aware that Street never condones sophomoric humor -- Woody's is quite the up-and-coming place, situated in the vibrant and fun Gayborhood. Get it? Up-and-coming? Shit. Nevermind.
Birgitta Ara: Modernist Sculptures
American Swedish Museum
1900 Pattison Avenue
Through Sept. 26, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., $4
(215) 389-1776
www.americanswedish.org
Birgitta Ara is a former European actress turned sculptor. She works in iron copper relief, bronze and marble. Stylistically, she creates busts as well as surrealist modern sculpture. My dad, like Birgitta, was a modernist. He used to paint women, naked, sprawled over patriotic images: flags and suchlike. The one of my mom is, well, upsetting. Worse yet is the one of Cheney's wife. She seems to be calling out, "Republicans are sexy, too." Ugh.
Exhibition: A Titanic Loss
Independence Seaport Museum
211 S. Columbus Blvd.
Through Jan. 26, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m., $8 for students
(215) 925-5439
seaport.philly.com
The Titanic movie obsession was so huge that it was actually cool to say that you saw that movie six times. In fact, there's this girl from my high school who is still obsessed with that movie. If I were to run into her right now, there would be two things that I'd tell her: [1] it was me who started the rumor that she made out with Katie Thompson and [2] there's an exhibit at the Franklin Institute displaying artifacts resurrected from the Titanic. Then I'd go with her to the museum, start crooning "My Heart Will Go On," and laugh cruelly as she sobs amongst the mirrors, hairbrushes and lifeboats.
Brown vs. Board of Education
African American Museum
701 Arch Street
Tue-Thu, 10 a.m. - 7 p.m., $6 for students
(215) 574-0380
www.aampmuseum.org
Here's a brief lesson for kids who didn't pay attention in U.S. history class. Fifty years ago, the Supreme Court ruled out segregation in public schools, marking an important turning point for the Civil Rights Movement. The African-American museum documents the turbulent times before, during and after this monumental case.
Art Installations at Eastern State Penitentiary
Eastern State Penitentiary
22nd St. and Fairmount Ave.
Wed-Sun, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m., $9
(215) 236-3300
www.easternstate.org
Oh, if only I was some bitter authority figure, angry at today's wild teens and their behavior. I would threaten them, "You're going to go to jail if you do that." To illustrate my point, I'd take them to the Eastern State Penitentiary (now converted into a historical museum) and show them Nick Cassway's Portraits of Inmates in the Death Row Population Sentenced as Juveniles. There are a lot of other spooky historical exhibits and art installations there, such as the audio tour, which makes the creaky cell-blocks come to life, and seemingly fills them with crazy prisoners. That would teach those asshole kids. That would teach them.
Trolley Tours: Rediscover Fairmount Park's Historic Houses
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Benjamin Franklin Parkway and 26th St.
Wed-Sun, 10:45 a.m.-1:45 p.m., $15
(215) 763-8100
www.philamuseum.org
Remember how, in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, that saucy trolley went off to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, where humans and puppets interacted, and there was that cat that lived in the clock? Now you can finally experience that magical ride and fulfill every college kid's dream. Except this time, instead of having to see Lady Elaine Fairchild and Henrietta Pussycat's tree house, you get to see some beautiful eighteenth and nineteenth century country houses in Philadelphia's Fairmount Park. And if the trolley gives you attitude, don't play nice, like Mister Rogers. I always thought that he let the trolley step all over him.
Shen Wei Dance Arts
Kimmel Center for Performing Arts
260 S. Broad St.
Sat, 7:30 p.m., $30-$35
(215) 893-1999
www.kimmelcenter.org/
Choreographer Shen Wei combines modern dance with painting and film. His aesthetic is colored by Chinese heritage. Sounds great, right? Not so. Shen Wei stole his concept from me. Last year, I became the first choreographer to combine hip-hop dance, Highlights for Children magazine blowups and a montage from the movie Euro Trip. I incorporated elements of my heritage, too: a giant banner which read, "Jews do it better. Vote Lieberman."
Underpants
Arden Theater
40 N. 2nd St.
Sat, 2 & 8 p.m., $24-$40
(215) 922-1122
www.ardentheatre.org
Steve Martin is funny, except, of course, in the movie Cheaper by the Dozen. This production is Martin's theatrical adaptation of a Carl Sternheim plot, in which a woman -- a very sexy woman, I'm sure; if not, this production is doomed -- loses her underpants. Admittedly, "case of the missing underpants" plots are becoming rather commonplace. Most such dramas, however, are aired in streaming Real Video, and I'm sure the concept looks better on a live stage.
Who Turned Off the Lights?
Shubin Theatre
407 Bainbridge Street
Sat, 5 & 8 p.m., $13 for students
(215) 413-1318
www.livearts-fringe.org
According to the producers, "A cast of characters ride down the road to enlightenment blindfolded with the help of a few good books and some oblivious friends." This production intrigues me. The reasons are threefold: [1] it's only 13 dollars, [2] I see clear parallels between the play's synopsis and my own life and [3] I want to find out how these people ride down the road and read books, all while blindfolded. Sounds like a psychological thriller.
The Guided Tour
239 Arch Street
Sat, 1 p.m. & 3 p.m., $15
http://www.livearts-fringe.org/2004/templates/home.cfm
Ever want to know what tour guides really think of a city's monuments? Yea, neither do I. Nevertheless, this event features four guys who hijack a bus and take tourists to places of Philadelphia you never wanted to see. Freakazoidal! I sure hope Independence Hall and the Constitution Center aren't on the list. Those places send more shivers down my spine than seeing a liger run loose on campus.
Half-Marathon
Jefferson Hospital Philadelphia
10th and Market Streets
Sun, 7:30 a.m., $40
(215) 625-2900
www.philadistancerun.org
Run a half-marathon and support one of the city's great hospitals. This run is a great way to see the city. However, it is important for all participants to register in advance, as day-of-race entries will not be accepted. You can register online anytime before Sunday, but you'll also need time to pick up your race packet. There are several other events, including a 5K run, which will accompany the half-marathon. Races are open to athletes and amateurs alike. Most notably, Olympian Jennifer Rhines will be participating this year.
Local Favorites: Butterflies Worth Watching
Morris Arboretum of the University of Pennsylvania
100 Northwestern Avenue
Sun, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m., $6 for students
(215) 247-5777
www.business-services.upenn.edu/arboretum/
I know a guy who knows a guy who took a girl to the Morris Arboretum. "It went great," I heard, via the middle man. "They sat under the Katsura tree, cercidiphyllum japonicum, and talked about the true meaning of the word "beauty.' And then they kissed." And, well, I may be the Guvna' of California, but I found the story romantic. That's why I'm recommending the Morris Arboretum to you. Sniff, sniff. May I borrow a hankie?
The Orrin Evans Trio
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Benjamin Franklin Parkway and 26th St.
Fri, 5 p.m.-8:45 p.m., $7 for students
(215) 763-8100
www.philamuseum.org
Orrin Evans is a local jazz pianist. He grounds his playing in tradition, yet he is capable of melodic vigor. He performs frequently throughout Philadelphia, but this engagement has him playing in, perhaps, the city's most beautiful jazz venue, The Philadelphia Museum of Art. Don't try anything stupid when you get there, criminal -- the paintings will be carefully secured. This is Philly, not Oslo.
Odetta
Tin Angel at Serrano
20 S. Second St.
Sat, 7 p.m., $25
215-928-0770
http://www.tinangel.com
Rock and roll was created by splicing country music with rhythm and blues. Odetta fuses blues, folk and rock and roll in an attempt to make a super-genre of music. The only reason I care at all is because Odetta first made her appearance to the music scene in the '50s. I like oldies and my friends hate me for it. Apparently it is still popular ... so whatever.
Traditional Irish Music Session
Plough & the Stars
2nd & Chestnut Streets
Sundays, 4 p.m. - 8 p.m., free
(215) 733-0300
www.ploughstars.com
Ever since I first watched The Boondock Saints, I became obsessed with Irish accents, Catholicism and Willem Dafoe. Now that I became Catholic, got a restraining order from Mr. Dafoe and speak in an Irish lilt, I finally feel worthy enough to listen to some traditional Irish and Celtic tunes. The event is hosted by two local musicians who welcome anyone to jig it up with them. Sure, we may not be in Doc's pub beating up Russian gangsters, but at Plough & the Stars, the beer flows easily and the traditional Irish music is lively.
Ben Schacter
Highwire Gallery
1315 Cherry Street
Mon, 8:30 p.m., $7
(215) 829-1255
www.highwired.tv/
Ben Schacter plays "jazz," yes, but certainly not the same jazz you'd hear from Orrin Evans [See Orrin Evans listing]. Schacter's original music is hard-hitting and amorphous -- or so it will sound to most of us not on Schacter's visionary level. His albums and improvisations make bold tonal statements and, for fans of art-music, he is well worth hearing. My recommendation: blow off the Gloria Estefan show you were going to fly to New York to see. Check out Schacter; he'll make you feel hip.
