4 Play Thursdays
The Five Spot
5 S. Bank St.
Thursdays, 10 p.m., $5
(215) 574-0070
www.thefivespot.com
I've actually been to this mess, and it's a sad wannabe affair. The Five Spot is most famous for its Tuesday night jawn Black Lily which has seen the debut of neo-soul artists such as Jill Scott, Floetry and India.Arie, and it is run by the legendary Roots crew. But going on any other night you're not gonna find sexy, soulful, boho ladies who take their cues from Erykah Badu or introspective, classy, activist brothas. Rather, you're gonna be pushing away grimy-ass 30-year-old men as you nurse a Corona by the deserted dance floor. If you're gonna be eye-fucked by dirty old men, at least go to Bleu Martini, where the drinks are better.
Fusion Jam XI
Culture Club
1201 Race Street
Fri, 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Free
Lambda Phi Epsilon is putting on one of its big bashes at the classic 80s Culture Club. However, there won't be as much Madonna as there will be hip hop, techno and dance music to satisfy even the most hardcore proponents of DDR. But when the sexiest Asian-interest fraternity puts it down, they put it down hard. Go dressed to impress, but you'll probably stumble out sweaty and dizzy.
Fusion Fridays With Q102FM
Chrome
939 N. Delaware Ave.
Fridays, 11 p.m., $10 before 11, $15 after
(215) 931-0101
q102philly.com
Fusion, whether gustatory or musical, is a high-risk proposition that often produces un-stellar results. That's why Q102FM is finally tuning into what has long been known among those quixotic ham radio operators: cold fusion is hot stuff. The Chrome crowds can now concoct their own god batteries by following their favorite radio jockeys in preparing an electrolytic cell with palladium, platinum and LiOD components. Though cold fusion has been discredited by the scientific community, the possibilities of creating a mini-Sol at room temperature are too great to ignore. And don't worry about knowing if you've succeeded. Your moment in the sun will be bright ... very bright.
Fire in the Disco
SoMa
33 S. Third St.
Wednesdays, 8 p.m.-2 a.m., Free
(215) 873-0222
www.somaclub.com
An eclectic group of people enjoy a wide variety of musical styles. Hipsters, bohemians and flower children; punk, indie and New Wave. For affirmative action supporters and others bent on diversity, this weekly offering is a fail-safe bet. On Wednesdays, the dance floor is safe from overcrowding, and, outside, you won't be forced to suffer through any long lines. In addition, the club offers $2 well drinks and lager drafts all night. Not too shabby. If only desegregation went this smoothly. Fuck the system!
How I Learned to Drive
Walnut Street Theater - Studio 5
825 Walnut St.
Thu-Tue, until April 11 $15
(215) 574-3550
www.wstonline.org/index.shtml
Ok, the way I learned to drive was pretty uneventful. I got in a small car with some overweight driving instructor named Barry and drove down Route 4 in Northern New Jersey at a clip of about 90, while he kept encouraging me and making comments about how I should watch out, only because "bitches can't drive." This story pales in comparison to my friend KK, who hit a dog during his first lesson and was simply told, "Keep going ... never stop." It's true. I can't make this kind of shit up. Sick, huh?
Naked On Broadway: The Life of David Roger
Walnut Street Theater - Independence Studio on 3
825 Walnut St.
Thu & Fri, 7:30 p.m., Sat & Sun, April 3 & 4, 2:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m., $24
(215) 574-3550
www.wstonline.org/index.shtml
Honestly, I don't know anything about this event. If you actually want to know anything about it, how about reading a real paper or something? Basically, part of me wonders if this David Roger guy is where the term "a good Rogering" comes from. I should look into that. Possibly in a real paper, or something.
Philadanco
Kimmel Center for Performing Arts, Perelman Theater
260 S. Broad St.
Thu, Fri & Sat, 7:30 p.m.; Sat 2:30 p.m.; $28-38
Student rush tickets $10, available 30 min. prior to show
(215) 790-5800
www.kimmelcenter.org
Although it may sound like an exotic bird or an online movie ticket service, Philadanco is in fact an energetic and faced-paced African- American dance troupe. Its hybrid name, standing for Philadelphia Dance Company, is only matched by the hybrid of styles the group incorporates. Jazz, ballet and modern dance techniques are all combined to create one of the fastest growing dance troupes in Philadelphia -- and one of the funnest.
Jesus Christ Superstar
Bucks County Playhouse
70 South Main Street
New Hope, PA 18938
Thu-Sun, 8 p.m., $22
(215) 862-2041
If you thought The Passion was a gross mischaracterization of the final days of Jesus Christ, prepare to be aghast at the liberties this show takes. Singing? Dancing? English? The thought that Jesus had any part in a rock opera is simply appalling. I can say but one thing: Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice, you'll get yours ...
Bill Maher
Keswick Theatre
Easton Road and Keswick Avenue
Glenside, PA 19038
Sat, 8 p.m., $32.50
(215) 572-7650
www.keswicktheatre.com
Combining no-holds-barred comedy with left-wing political thinking, Bill Maher is Bush's public outlaw number one. Some paranoid individuals even suspect that Maher's abjection from network television was the result of a conspiracy perpetrated by the administration. I, for one, believe that whole-heartedly. In fact, Maher is a personal hero of mine. This is mostly because I support several of his proposals, which some outrageously conservative critics have shot down. For example, a warning label on the Bible and designated lines for drunk drivers. If you desire the sort of social critique you won't find on the news stations, or you're in need of some good old thigh-slapping humor, you know where to find it.
20th Tokyo Japanese Cherry Blossom Queen
Morris Arboretum of the University of Pennsylvania
100 Northwestern Ave.
Mon, 10 a.m.; $8, Free with PennCard
(215) 247-5777
www.business-services.upenn.edu/arboretum
In 1966, the first Cherry Blossom Queen of Japan was crowned. Representing her country and its national flower, the queen participates in ceremonies and celebrations around the world. Now, she's coming to Penn's arboretum amidst Philadelphia's own spring festivals. The Cherry Blossom celebration continues with tea ceremonies, taiko drummers, oragami and more throughout the month of April.
The New York Times and Penn Student Agencies Present: A Southern Town
Terrace Room
Logan Hall
Mon, 7 p.m., Free
A Southern Town is a film centered on the unrecognized plight of several civil rights workers in the tense American 1960s. The film seeks to highlight the actions of lesser known activists who have made significant contributions to the civil rights movement. Due to the breadth of the movement, not all of its important contributors can be immortalized in the manner of leaders such as Dr. King. A Southern Town aims to remedy this situation in its deeper portrayal of a complex time in American history. Following the screening will be a question and answer session with professor Walter Palmer from the School of Social Work.
"W.E.B. DuBois' Sociology: The Philadelphia Negro and Social Science"
A lecture by Dr. Tukufu Zuberi
Amado Recital Hall,
Irvine Auditorium
34th and Spruce Streets
Mon, 4:30-5:30 p.m, Free
(215) 898-7227
www.upenn.edu/provost/provost_lecture.html
Usually Guides picks a few random events and prattle on for 50-100 words about shows or happenings we don't actually know or care about. Breaking with tradition, we're urging you to take in a lecture by Sociology professor and Director of Africana Studies Dr. Tukufu Zuberi. The talk will focus on the work done by prominent African-American scholar W.E.B. DuBois who studied at Penn and has Low Rise North named in his honor. Tickets are free and are available at the Office of the Provost, 122 College Hall. An integral figure in the fields of Sociology and African-American studies, this talk will illuminate the theories of a singular scholar.
Romeo and Juliet
Temple University/Tomlinson Theater
1301 Norris St.
Through April 3, 8 p.m., $10
(215) 204-1122
Really, if someone compares your lovely relationship to that of Romeo and Juliet, it's time for a knifing. Not only because the characters in the Bard's tale are sword-happy, but also because anyone failing to realize the implications of such a statement has it coming. Having said that, there's nothing like reliving the sanguine (or sanguinary, if you prefer) side of love while smashed, and that's where the Shakespeare Tavern comes in. This theater offers up a British pub menu along with alcoholic drinks, allowing you to wallow in the artiste's zone of appreciation. We hope that you choke.
Art Installations at Eastern State Penitentiary
Eastern State Penitentiary
2124 Fairmount Ave.
Through May; Wed-Sun, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; $9, $7 Students
(215) 236-3300
www.easternstate.org
Eastern State Penitentiary, which used to be one of the toughest correctional facilities in the East, now serves as a museum and art gallery. Six new installations, including sculpture and portraits, recall the jail's mysterious history. The art pieces reflect on the psychology of prisoners, the concept of time, juvenile death sentencing and even the cats that once lived in the place when it was abandoned. The work itself is compelling. But, perhaps even more so, walking along the cellblocks is a haunting and fascinating experience.
Brown vs. Board of Education
African-American Museum
701 Arch St.
Through May; Tue-Sat, 10:30 a.m. -5 p.m.; Sun, 12 p.m.-5 p.m.; $6, $4 Students
(215) 574-0380
www.aampmuseum.org
In commemoration of this landmark legal case, the African-American Museum has composed an exhibit that closely examines the event. Starting with a look at racial relations before the case, the installment moves on to tackle the case itself -- including what it was like in the courtroom during those fateful days -- and concludes with a treatment of the case's impact on American lives and culture. By way of first-person testimonials, artifacts and other mediums, the exhibit offers a stunning and in-depth portrait of what may have been the turning point in the civil rights movement.
Kara Walker: Fibbergibbet and Mumbo Jumbo
Fabric Workshop and Museum
1315 Cherry Street
Through May; Mon-Sat, 10 a.m.- 6 p.m.; Free
(215) 568-1111
www.fabricworkshop.org
Kara Walker is the world's most controversial puppeteer. This is because, as the master of her puppet children, she dictates their behavior. And their behavior is often lewd, violent, discriminatory, or similarly immoral. Have you ever seen puppets hump each other? Me neither. And I don't think that I want to. Instead, I'd like to see this crazy puppet lady behind bars, where all bad, bad puppet masters go.
Wallace Nutting and the Invention of Old America
Allentown Art Museum
31 N. Fifth St.
Allentown, PA 18101
Through May; Tues-Sun, 11 a.m.-4 p.m.; Free
(610) 432-4333
www.allentownartmuseum.org
Wallace Nutting was a big old sissy. He's often called the Martha Stewart of his day. And other times, people joke that if the Oprah show were around in the early 1900s, he would have been the host. In saying this, they don't mean that Wallace was fat, obnoxious, void of talent and richer than he ought to have been. Instead, the man helped perpetuate the cult of domesticity, regarding women as the pillars of any stable household (Oprah endorses similar ideology, although not overtly. Yet critical in her success is the existence of stay-at-home mothers, those unfortunate souls who watch her TV program). I take personal offense to this view, because my mother, although pillar-like in her obesity, was more of a wrecking ball than a support beam. Unless, of course, I had a bag of Doritos, in which case she's at my beck and call, helpful, nurturing and all the like.
Great Plants for Your Home Garden Tour
Morris Arboretum of the University of Pennsylvania
100 Northwestern Ave.
Through April 30; Sun 1 p.m., $8, Free with PennCard
(215) 247-5777
www.business-services.upenn.edu/arboretum
Penn's Morris Arboretum, the recipient of numerous agronomic accolades, is now dishing out the dirt to the lay folk. The tours are conducted by the strikingly red-haired "Ms. Foxglove," whose delicately gloved hands are spick and span despite her "dirty hands" motto for all gardeners. Her tips were heavily weighted toward what she termed "garden safety," which apparently entails protecting the plants. "Geraniums, Nightshade and Baby's Breath are perfect for the feline problem," she simpered, nudging a stiff tabby out of sight under the rhododendrons with her foot. "For the larger pests, punji pits are highly efficient." Punji Pits? "Oh, well you know ... nasty clumsy mammals," she murmured, green eyes darting around the tour group before looking away. I nodded in satisfaction at my sleuthing. Batman was going to be pleased.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th St.
Thu, 8 p.m., $18.75
(215) 569-9400
www.blackrebelmotorcycleclub.com
Beats me if these guys can actually ride motorcycles, let alone if they own them. When the group began in San Fran, they were called the Elements, but they quickly learned this name hinted too strongly at their cultish fervor for Captain Planet. Still, I'll bet you money they ride their bikes from the Philly airport to the Electric Factory.
As I Lay Dying/Every Time I die
The Trocadero
1003 Arch St.
Thu, 7 p.m., $12
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
Tommy Garcia Jr. is a maverick guitar-strumming messiah looking for 'the Big One.' Tim Lambesis is a globe-trotting alcoholic card shark with a winning smile and a way with the ladies. Jeff Forest is a cynical thirty-something opera singer on the trail of a serial killer. Jonathan Greene is a short-sighted moralistic firefighter fleeing from a secret government program. Evan White is a strong-willed French-Canadian with a Harvard MBA and a flame-thrower. They fight crime!
The Rapture
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th St.
Thu, 8 p.m., $18.75-$19.75
(215) 569-9400
www.therapturemusic.com
The last time I saw this band live, some cute girl kept dancing on me. Normally, that would have been just fine, but her hipster-looking boyfriend was grinding all up on her other side. In retrospect, I should have done the same, while whispering things like "Peanut Butter Hands" and "Cantaloupe Pants" seductively into her ears. The point of this anecdote is that the Rapture is able to do something remarkable: remove the adhesive that fastens scenester feet to the floor. Perhaps the best of the Gang of Four influenced dance-punk bands, the Rapture's live show is not to be missed. Kids, put away your complete Enrique Iglesias discography, cuz dance-punk is here to raze and rebuild what was once known as moving one's ass. Cantaloupe pants, indeed.
Off the Beat
Harrison Auditorium in the Anthropology Museum
3260 South Street (entrance on 33rd)
Fri-Sat, 8 p.m., $7, $8 online
http://dolphin.upenn.edu/~otb/
Vomiting in a Quad bathroom. Living in scummy Hamilton Court. Hey Day. Off the Beat show. There truly are but few moments that define the college experience, and while I desperately cling to the belief that a cappella should be as fun as a carrot in the eye, OTB is the shimmering exception. A hugely talented pool of seniors (+ one eyebrow piercing) makes its swan song this weekend. No one knows, but I am a raving groupie. I fear that when you walk away to brighter fame, you won't be able to remember my name. Um, take it off.
Disassociated Writers Project Benefit
Doc Watson's Pub
216 S. 11th St.
Fri, 8 p.m., $7
(215) 922-3427
This is a benefit for the Disassociated Writers Project, which is a loose collective of Chicago authors who love to spin those postmodern yarns. However, this is also the last time Philly's Plain Parade will be bringing music to Doc Watson's - the two just cannot maintain their intimate relationship any longer. At least they've decided to remain friends. The bands playing include Relay (moody Philly indie-pop), Sounds of Kaleidoscope (psychedelic DC band), and The Last Wave (music-playing band).
Liz Phair
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th St.
Fri, 8:30 p.m., $17.25-$19.25
(215) 569-9400
www.lizphair.com
Gone is the gritty anti-establishment Phair. She's hit the big-time, and many old fans are turning their backs on her. Phair started in the indie world; she recently signed with the Matrix, the same production team used by the likes of Avril Lavigne. Phair's sound is now polished and packaged for mainstream audiences. But is it such a crime to make it big? Is Phair a cop-out or a successful artist? It's your call.
Edwin McCain
The Trocadero
1003 Arch St.
Fri, 8 p.m., $16
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
Ok, let's get this out of the way first. Yes, this man is unattractive ... horrid in fact. How he got a recording contract, I have no fucking clue. Did he audition for his label over the phone? Via telegram perhaps? Maybe with a paper bag over his head. That's probably not for me or you to know, as the truth is just ... too ... horrible. (p.s., I like ellipses). But finally, on a more serious, somber note, he said some very poignant, true things on VH1's I Love the 70s.
The Darkness
Theatre of Living Arts
334 S. St.
Fri, 8 p.m., $15
(215) 922-1011
www.theatreoflivingarts.net
If you're gonna call yourselves The Darkness, you should at least attempt to be a little, uh ... dark. This British pop band may be paying homage to the glory days of metal, but they miss the sardonic boat by just a tad and come off looking slightly over the top. Still, with catchy and fun tunes, they are guaranteed to put on a good show. If anything, go to see their hair. Oh, the hair!
Crystal Method
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th St.
Sat, 8:30 p.m., $22
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
For all of you collectors out there, I think you will be pleased to learn that the band will be available after the show for autographs and the like. The catch is, you have to have the booklet from the group's newest CD Legion of Boom. However, I know there are Alfred Hitchcock fans out there who are slightly more intense in their collecting ways. This is the perfect opportunity for a "Man From The South" style wager. It'd be worth it in the end if you have a good lighter and an account on EBay.
Wheat
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th St.
Fri, 8:30 p.m., $17.25-$19.25
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
This underground Boston band has been increasing its profile lately, appearing on Conan and relentlessly touring in support of its latest album, Per Second Per Second Per Second ... Every Second. The band's sound combines vocals reminiscent of Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips, with that wonderful genre called shoegaze. I call this genre Flaming shoes and think that I would like to start a Flaming shoes band of my own. Please e-mail me at ZipperRipper69hotmail.com if you'd like to play in this band with me. Also, feel free to send pictures of yourself cooking eggs. I really like eggs.
Dischord A Cappella: Spring Show
Dunlop Auditorium
3450 Hamilton Walk
Sat, 8 p.m., $6/$7
dolphin.upenn.edu/~dischord
Another weekend, another several a cappella shows. The thing different about this one is ... well, here's the thing ... it's that ... ok, follow me here. I think Dischord is the only group with 15 members. Think about that. Some have 13, others have 16. Some even have 14. But Dischord has 15. Yep. Every group is different and exciting.
WQHS: Black Eyes/Off
Minor/Plot to Blow up the Eiffel Tower/Cat on Form/Cathy Keschel
The Rotunda
4012 Walnut St.
Sat, 8 p.m., $7
www.wqhs.org
Check out this WQHS-hosted show, which has some bands who play that Rock and Roll you kids all seem to love. Black Eyes, who is headlining, provides a musically kick in the face with its insane energy and angular rocking. The band's double drumming and double bass attacks spell DOUBLE TROUBLE. Then there's Off Minor, who combine screamo with a heavy jazz influence. Next on this list is the awfully named San Diego band, Plot to Blow up the Eiffel Tower, who do it all -- beat poetry, free jazz and hardcore. Moving on, UK band Cat On Form will be there, spreading its early Fugazi prog-core love with the audience. Finally, there will be some acoustic balladry from Cathy Keschel. It hasn't been a big spring for hardcore music, but this event will help make amends.
Elliott Sharp
Slought
4017 Walnut St.
Sun, 8 p.m., Free
(215) 746-4239
slought.org
This is not Elliott Smith. He died a little while ago because he stabbed himself in the heart. I don't know about you, but when I get one of those sudden urges to gorge myself with a knife, I like to take a stroll around the block, and then I regain my senses. On the other hand, Smith was addicted to narcotics, so he and I differ in important ways.
Against Me/Planes Mistaken for Stars/No Choice/True if Destroyed
The First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut St.
Wed, 7:30 p.m., $8
(215) 563-3980
www.r5productions.com
Not content to just let itself be another hardcore band from Florida, Against Me has successfully combined the traditional punk sound with a country-folk influences and then throw in those clever left-leaning lyrics just to make itself replete with deliciousness. Due to its accessibility, even if you're not usually into hardcore, you should check the band out, as comparisons can be drawn to bands like the Replacements, the Weakerthans and even Billy Bragg. And if hardcore is your thing, then you probably already know about this show. And you probably also know that the government has put metal plates in all our heads so they can read our thoughts.
