Collateral Damage: Echoes in Our Soul
Painted Bride Art Center
230 Vine Street
Thu-Sat, 10 a.m., Free
(215) 925-9914
www.paintedbride.org
Having just now understood that Collateral Damage means the tragedy of bystanders who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time during war, I now finally understand the obviously intended irony of the title of the 2002 Schwarzenegger movie. We were all just innocent bystanders as we went into the theater. However, after being taught the real meaning of pain, I now know, war is truly hell.
Ernesto Neto
The Fabric Workshop and Museum
1315 Cherry St., fifth floor
March 18-May 29, Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-6 p.m., Sat 12 p.m.-4p.m., $5
(215) 568-1111
www.fabricworkshop.org
Neto's latest work is a room-sized installation of hand-sculpted foam. Clearly, describing this in a way that makes sense isn't the most fruitful of endeavors. Nevertheless, Neto describes it as a place of sensations where people can exchange ideas and exist in continuity with each other. Put in layman's terms, you walk into this room, and you have no idea what the fuck is going on. I recommend that you close your eyes, pull down your pants and start running around in circles. If anyone asks what you're doing, just tell them you're exchanging continuous sensations. Then pass out on the floor in a puddle of your own body fluid. Cause that's how it happened to me...
WORTH 1000 WORDS
Da Vinci Art Alliance
704 Catharine Street
Through March 28; Wed 6 p.m. - 8 p.m., Sat-Sun 1 p.m. - 5 p.m.; Free
(215) 829-0466
www.angelfire.com/ok3/davinci
A picture's worth a thousand words, but the cocaine stash I've been hording all winter is worth at least 5 G's. So when the sun comes out and the kids are on the green hills of the Penn campus, I'm going to be the young blood with a rock in his stride tracing my way in out of the crowdsasking, "What up beloved, you need a fix?" With all the money I'm going to be making, I'll surely have the dough to cop one of my favorite Da Vinci's. On spring break in Paris, I found myself at the Louvre, masturbating to the Mona Lisa. I'd love to have it in my room. It would definitely beat hotmamas.com. That's the kind of crap I'm working with now. I need some good old quality Renaissance porn. You know what I'm talking 'bout.
Diane Pieri: Symbolic Landscape
Philadelphia International Airport
Through April 30, All day, Free
(215) 937-6937
Diane Pieri will be displaying some art at the airport. Seriously, you know you've hit it big when you're showcasing your life's work at the Philadelphia Airport. I think if I were Diane Pieri, I'd probably try to sneak into the cargo bay, just so I could jump out at 10,000 feet. At least I'd be able to see the world before I cam crashing down into it. If I were not able to successfully do this, I'd probably go into one of the fetid bath-receptacles and try to drown my sorrows -- and myself -- in one of the sinks. In the unlikely event I decide not to snuff the candle of my own vitality, I can always rely on the hundreds of pennies I'd be likely to make off the sales from my seminal landscapes. Buy them, or else I'll extirpate you and your pets.
DJ Low Budget
700 Club
700 N. Second Street
Thu, 10 p.m., Free
(215) 413-3181
Nothing quite captures the Penn Ivy ethos like the 700 Club. Who likes to gentrify the whole damn block? We do, we do. Sure, it may not be something we can do a lot about, but someone's loss is our gain. Thanks capitalism. We owe you one. But, if you're in the neighborhood of N. Second Street, I recommend you stop by the 700 Club for DJ Low Budget Night this Thursday. When you go in, tell 'em Karl sent ya.
Thursday Drag Nights
Bob and Barbara's Cocktail Lounge
1509 South Street
Thursdays, 11 p.m., $5
(215) 545-4511
www.sswba.org/Directory/BobandBarbara/bob.html
When I was fourteen, my mother walked in on me trying on her bra and best black high heeled shoes. I swore I was putting together a Halloween costume ... but it was January. Well, at least I still haven't taken it to the next step yet, which obviously is hot steamy goat sex. Yes, bestiality is the next logical step in my moral depravation. Hell, the Discovery Channel is already my favorite; don't ruin it for me. May my forbidden dreams commence! Cha-Cha, here I come baby! "Dancing Queen-la-la-la..."
Father Goose's Tales
Mum Puppet Theatre
115 Arch Street
Through March 28, Sat & Sun 12 p.m. & 2 p.m., $15
(215) 925-7686
www.mumpuppet.org
Before Hitler and "Old Bony," there was Father Goose. His webbed reign of terror spilled across the Old World and made it the anti-Narnia of its time. Sordid tales from that dark era have remained a scarlet stain in the minds of many a Susie Flowers taught in the guise of innocent nursery rhymes. These include the assassination of Baron von Eggman, the mutilation of the Mousekewitz family and a freakish menagerie of lunar cows and tuffet-loving spiders. His spirit lives on largely thanks to the mystifying Mother Goose, said to be an amalgam penname of hack writers who keep the dark father immortal.
Cobras!
The Philadelphia Zoo
3400 W. Girard Avenue
Through Sept. 30, 9:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m., $12.95-15.95
(215) 243-1100
www.philadelphiazoo.org
An eight-year-old-child was brutally attacked at the Philadelphia Zoo, making it the fourth in a string of spitting cobra-related incidents there. Jack Jackanapes is still hospitalized after reportedly finding the side entrance to the cobra exhibit, believing that his lightning scar sticker gave him Parseltongue powers. Observers realized that the attempted human-snake interaction had gone awry when Jack stumbled through the glass, clawing at his ruined eyes and screaming, "Harry, you betrayed me!" Said his distraught mother in a later interview, "JK Rowling doesn't deserve to be on the Forbes list. She stole my child's eyes."
Naked on Broadway: A Lifetime With David Roger
Walnut Street Theater: Independence Studio on 3
825 Walnut Street
Through April 4, Sun-Sat, 7:30 p.m., $24
(215) 574-3550
www.wstonline.org/index.shtml
After having critically evaluated this stunning theatrical performance (read: where's Broadway?) I have but one suggestion: there's definitely a deficiency in the cow bell area. I could really use more cow bell right at the beginning of the show, like, when I'm walking to my seat or when I'm breaking wind. It is strange how the fundamentals of a good show can get lost at the professional level. Enjoy the show, suckers.
Jars of Clay
Theater of Living Arts
334 South Street
Thu, 8 p.m., $19.50
(215) 922-1011
www.theateroflivingarts.net
There are oh, so many The Passion of the Christ jokes to be made. We could have just made fun of Mel Gibson and all would have been Kosher. If you want to learn more about Jesus, however, try listening to Jars of Clay. If you get tired of their music though, you can always try reading the Bible. I hear that book has something to do with Jesus. All this scuttlebutt over Jesus ... When will the Holy Spirit get its just due???
Sinatra Night
Trattoria Lucca with John
Paul Gazzara
1915 E. Passyunk Avenue
Thu., 7:30 p.m.-10:30 p.m., Free
(215) 763-2228
Trattoria Lucca, open just a few months at 1915 E. Passyunk Avenue, is an exquisite gem amid the clutter of storefronts of this busy South Philadelphia shopping and residential district. Operated by Joseph Oliviera and noted restauranteur Salvatore DiPalma, whose Ristorante DiPalma is one of Old City's quiet success stories, Trattoria Lucca is building a loyal clientele who enjoy the rich flavors, fresh ingredients, ample portions and friendly ambiance of
Philadelphia's favorite neighborhood. Go, enjoy Ol' Blue Eyes, etc., etc. etc.
Karen Finley: Make Love -- A Response to 9/11
Five Spot
1 S. Bank Street
Fri, 8 p.m. and 10 p.m., $20
(215) 574-0070
Karen Finley portrays the ultimate hag, Liza Minelli, in a glittery cabaret act. Usually reserved for titillating sexual innuendos and nauseating musical theatre, Finley's use of cabaret seeks to spread love in the wake of the tragic attacks on New York and our nation's capital. Yes, I know it makes no damn sense. If you're in need of blowing $20, stick to the usual and spend it on weed.
Enon/Black Heart Procession
North by Northwest
7165 Germantown Avenue
Fri, 10 p.m., $15
(215) 248-1000
www.nxnwphl.com
There's no denying the coolness of Enon. Listen to their 2002 album High Society, tell me they're not cool, and I'll find the world's largest pencil sharpener and feed you through it. Thank your lucky stars Black Heart Procession is opening. Last time I saw Enon, The Apes opened, and the lead singer had done way too much LSD and was scaring the crap out of the audience. Next to those who hate Enon, the lead singer of The Apes is #2 on my list of asinine jerks to feed through pencil sharpeners.
Azure Ray/The Elected/Consafos/Nina Divona
Northstar Bar
2639 Poplar Street
Sat, 10 p.m., $10
(215) 684-0808
www.thenorthstarbar.com
A few weeks ago, we were going to run a listing on the Bright Eyes show but then discovered that it sold out over a month beforehand. Personally, I felt betrayed, not to mention a little lonely. Actually, I could care less about Bright Eyes, but I really wanted to see the opener, M. Ward. Nevertheless, this ought to appease you Saddle Creek junkies who missed the show. Azure Ray was created by former Bright Eyes members Orenda Fink and Maria Taylor. They also grabbed the perennially awesome Eric Bachmann of Crooked Fingers/Archers of Loaf legend. As if that were not enough, check out the Elected, which is a Rilo Kiley side project, if you feel like getting your indie-pop fix. Plus, Fink does some backup action for them. Check this out if you want to hear some solid music that is good, but not too good.
Aussie Invasion Tour: The Vines/Jet/The Living End/Neon
Electric Factory
421 N. Seventh Street
Sat, 8:30 p.m., $19.50 advance, $24 day of
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
I'm not one of those hipster types who claim to have hated garage rock ever since it got popular back in 2001. Nor am I particularly enamored with it. I enjoy the Strokes and White Stripes in small doses. However, what I do not enjoy is the music of the Vines and Jet. This is awful, uninspired retro rock with no hope of ever sounding like anything someone with ears might conceivably want to partake in. If you want music with a retro sound that actually succeeds in doing something novel, and more importantly is listenable, I suggest checking out Franz Ferdinand or Clinic. See, this listing wasn't completely negative after all.
Xiu Xiu/Alphabet Army/True if Destroyed
The Fire
412 W. Girard Ave.
Sun, 7 p.m., $8
(267) 671 9298
www.iourecords.com/thefire
Seriously, you have no idea what strange music is until you've heard this band. Imagine a slower Joy Division, but with more random electronic noises, and a singer who sounds like he's been in a mental institution for the last 10 years of his life. This music isn't lush and easy to listen to, but it is just a little plain old scary. This doesn't mean it's not good, though. In fact, when in the mood, and willing to lend an ear, this band provides some extremely intense cathartic music that is meant to shock and amaze the listener. Undoubtedly, the band succeeds in this goal. See the band this Sunday at The Fire, where they'll be playing some of their new music off Fabulous Muscles. Rest assured, the live show will be an experience .... Maybe front-man Jamie Stewart will eat a baby on stage. That would be so hot ....
Sun Kil Moon
Theater of Living Arts
334 South Street
Sat, 9 p.m., $17.50
(215) 922-1011
www.theateroflivingarts.net
This is the side project of Red House Painters front man, Mark Kozeleck. He plays almost everything, except of course for the two drummers he enlists from RHP and American Music Club. RHP also has Black Lab bassist Geoff Stanfield. Fans of RHP undoubtedly will enjoy this new incarnation, which shows real artistic development and a clear Neil Young influence. Hmm, the acronym RHP -- looks a lot like RHCP. Except RHCP sucks a whole lot. Yeah, I'm indie, and LUVIN' IT! RHP/SKM 4EVA!!!
The Proclaimers
North by Northwest
7165 Germantown Avenue
Sat, 10 p.m. $20-22
(215) 248-1000
www.nxnwphl.com
The Proclaimers are back with the good message, after their ship to American fame quickly sank following the hit single "(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles." This Scottish band has continued to put out albums since then though, uniting the British Isles in the name of Celtic rock. The group is currently promoting its fifth studio album release (Born Innocent) Persevere with a flurry of tours through the Old and New Worlds alike. For those inclined to indulge in drunken revelry in a bar atmosphere with a decent band, trek over to catch this show. Actually, do yourself a favor and cab it.
Dan Fishback with special guest C‚sar Alvarez
Kelly Writers House
3805 Locust Walk
Sat., 7 p.m., Free
(215) 573-WRIT
www.english.upenn.edu/~wh/
Half of local indie-pop duo Cheese On Bread, Dan Fishback is passing through Philadelphia for a rare solo appearance. The sonic lovechild of Liz Phair and Spongebob Squarepants, this antifolk upstart speaks to the brainy queer Jewish boy in us all. Along for the ride is C‚sar Alvarez, Cuban-American hyperfolk powerhouse, currently touring in support of his debut album, I Meta Girl. With politically-charged lyrics and a head full of sexy curls, C‚sar has been seducing audiences all over the country.
Melissa Etheridge
Electric Factory
3421 Willow Street
Tue, 8 p.m., $75
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
The only song I remember by Melissa Etheridge is "Come to My Window," and the only reason I remember it is because it gave me headaches. The only cure for those headaches were Samoas Girl Scout cookies, with all the scrumptious partially hydrogenated vegetable oil containing cottonseed and/or coconut oil. But there's no way I was paying $3.50 for a box of 5 cookies. So I killed the little Brownies and ate their delicious cookies. You're next, Melissa. Remember the Samoas. Never forget.
The Decemberists/Clearlake/Tom Heinl/Dios
The Khyber
56 S. Second Street
Wed, 9 p.m., $10
(215) 238-5888
www.thekhyber.com
For fans of the Decemberists, 2003 was amazing. Not only did they put out one of the best albums of the year, Her Majesty the Decemberists, but they also had their first two records re-released. Now they've already released a new and equally great EP, The Tain, which they're supporting on this tour. While a casual scan may lead to Neutral Milk Hotel comparisons, this band's whole approach is quite distinct, as they use many more instruments and
their lyrics stem from a completely different angle. Enough of that, though. The Decemberists play extremely literate but catchy indie pop about pirates, dead babies and bicycles. Additionally, check out the extremely talented Clearlake, who manage to play Britpop that is actually quite engaging and often cathartic. As if these two were not enough, the nascent and highly recommended alternative country/indie-pop band Dios are also playing. Such complete insanity -- missing this show would be awful.
The Philadelphia Story
Walnut Street Theatre
825 Walnut Street
Through April 25; Mon-Sat, 8 p.m.; Sun, 7 p.m.; Various prices
(215) 574-3550
www.wstonline.org
One of the liveliest and most witty screwball comedies of a bygone golden era, this story of our fair city was an immensely popular film starring Katharine Hepburn. But originally, it was a play. And now, 60 odd years after its premiere in 1939, the Walnut Street Theatre is serving up a rendition that promises to be as faithful as a golden retriever to playwright Phillip Barry's artistic vision.
According to Goldman
Plays & Players Theatre
1714 Delancey Street
Through April 18; Tue-Sat, 8 p.m.; Sun, 3 p.m.; Various prices
(215) 735-0630
This is a new play, so a description of the plot may be in order. The story goes like this: a screenwriter, who works during the day as a college professor, has an idea for a new movie. But he's having difficulties making it marketable. In order to get the project on its way, he enlists the help of one of his students. At the same time, the screenwriter's wife is starting to get a little pissy about the writer's focused ambitiousness. Sooner or later, the draw of Hollywood stardom starts to be a problem as it disturbs the couple's home life. Drama.
Wintertime
Wilma Theater
265 S. Broad Street
Through April 18; Tue, Fri & Sun, 12 p.m. & 7:30 p.m.; Wed & Sat, 12 p.m., 2 p.m. & 7:30 p.m.; Various prices
215-893-9456
www.wilmatheater.org
Hemingway wrote about false spring: warm days that teased you with the dream of sustained pleasant weather but only led to more cold and dreariness. Basically, the meteorological version of pathological lying. But I'll take false spring over truly shitty weather any day. My own emotional mini-drama that I've just described is similar in complexity to Charles Meet's new play, which subverts romantic comedy conventions. Instead of chronicling the trials of two lovers as they trace their way towards bliss, this story follows the downward spiral of a couple, which is, at first, fully committed. Over the course of a winter weekend in the country, however, their whole relationship goes to hell. It's always winter's fault.
