Barnyard Babies
Please Touch Museum
210 N. 21st Street
Race Street
Feb. 12 - Jun. 26, 9:30 a.m., $8.95
(215) 963-0666
www.pleasetouchmuseum.org
Mom always told me not to drink so much, lest I do something I regret. Of course, her Vicodin addiction made me ignore most of what she said. Well, for once she was right - one wild night I can't really remember I went to the bar and brought the ugliest girl in town home with me to our backyard barn. Now it's nine months later, and she's abandoned our kids at my doorstep. Let's just say they look like some sort of cross between Ruth Buzzi, Gary Busey and a velociraptor. As any loving parent would, I locked them up in the place where they were conceived and never went back there. That was three years ago.
Claymobile Exhibition
The Clay Studio
139 N. Second Street
Feb. 12-22, 12 a.m., 12 p.m., Free
(215) 925-3453
www.theclaystudio.org
When I was in high school, my parents were too lazy to get off their asses and buy me a car. But now, I have used my transcendent pottery skills to fashion an automobile out of mother earth's goods. I ride around town in my claymobile like a true pimptress, with my hot 20s and a bass system that shakes it like a Polaroid picture. As soon as I find a way to mitigate the scalding heat of the sun, you best believe I'll market those hot wheels at last. Too bad all the test subjects have been cooked to death inside of it so far.
Chris Mann: The Plato Songs
Slought
4017 Walnut Street
Feb. 12 - Feb. 21, 11 a.m., Free
(215) 746-4239
slought.org
This guy cuts up the classic works of Plato and presents them in this distorted multimedia barrage. I think it would be fun to load up on shrooms and see how he presents Socrates' death. It was strange how he could have escaped so easily, and yet chose to sit their calmly, drinking his poison while talking to his friends all along. On shrooms, this would probably be more like imagining my veins are full of poison while freaking out and running into the walls, which I would probably perceive as magical waterfalls.
Celebrate American Heart Month
The Franklin Institute
20th St Benjamin Franklin Pkwy
Feb. 14, 21, 28, 9:30 a.m., $12.75
(215) 448-1200
sln.fi.edu
For once Philadelphia can bask in irony, instead of just the standard deluges of cheesesteak grease. Yes, February is American Heart Month, and during every Saturday this month, the Franklin Institute wants to remind you to get some exercise and eat your Cheerios. Come to think of it, four days of heart awareness out of 365 really isn't very much at all. Clearly, all of America's obesity and heart problems fall squarely on the soldiers of Benjamin Franklin and his Institute. Damn you, Franklin, damn you straight to hell! When will you learn to stop sexing up whores in France and come back home to your country, where we are in desperate need of your myriad witticisms and sage advice? For God's sake man, you invented bifocals... it is up to you to do a better job of saving America from its own lack of self-restraint! Ah crap, I just remembered you're a fatass too. And now you're dead, funny man. Man, you really did suck.
Kori Newkirk
Fabric Workshop and Museum
1315 Cherry Street, 5th floor
Through Sat; Thu & Fri, 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat, 12 p.m.-4 p.m.; Free, suggested donation $5
(215) 568-1111
www.fabricworkshop.org
The career of this Bronx-born, LA-based artist has hinged upon artistic homages to his enslaved ancestors, like car tires hung by a hangman's knot. For the Philly Fabric Museum, where Newkirk's work is frequently shown, he often prepares decorative, apolitical textile installments. These works can utilize unusual materials, such as pomade and fake snow, which are appropriate for his latest endeavour: celebrating of the richness and purity of the winter season.
The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged)
Hedgerow Theater
64 W Rose Valley Road
Rose Valley, PA 19086
Through Feb. 22
Thu. & Fri., 8 p.m., Sat. 4 p.m. & 8 p.m., Sun. 2 p.m.; $10 w/student ID
Sat. Valentine's Day Party, $30
(610) 565-4211
www.hedgerowtheatre.org
Reading Shakespeare is pointless unless you are making a shallow attempt at appearing "deep," "tortured," "brain damaged" or "whatever." Watching his works played out by pretentious community theater actors will make anyone suicidal. However, add a little rap, racial and gender stereotypes and football, and Shakespeare becomes almost as cool as must-see TV. Lucky for you, Compleat Works is playing in nearby Rose Valley, PA.
Youth Health Empowerment Dance Party
L'Etage
6th and Bainbridge
Sun, 8 p.m.-12 a.m., $10 presale, $12 at door
(215) 564-6388 ext. 17
www.yhep.org
Internationally acclaimed DJ Rich Medina lends his talents to this noble fundraiser for Philly's Youth Health Empowerment Project (Y-HEP). Y-HEP was founded in 1994 to prevent the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases among the city's youth and now it is having an event to aid in its continued efforts to educate and support the community. Rich Medina spins classic hip-hop as well as new releases and is a fixture in Philly and NY's DJ scene. This promises to be a night of good music for a good cause.
Copenhagen
Lantern Theater
10th and Ludlow Streets
Through Feb. 29, Wed-Sat, 8 p.m., Sun. 2 p.m. & 7 p.m.; $12-27
(215) 829-9002
www.lanterntheater.org
I often have unfounded yet vivid premonitions of terrible events, i.e. my best friend, who drives his Honda like it's a bumper car, dying on I-95. I am also haunted by the notion of nuclear holocaust. This Tony Award-winning play follows the real-life friendship of two men who had it in their power to steer civilization to, or away from, the development of the A-Bomb. A must see for neurotics like me.
In The Heart of America
Adrienne Theatre -- Mainstage
2030 Sansom Street
Feb. 13 - March 14; Tue & Wed, 7 p.m.; Thu-Sat, 8 p.m.; Sun, 2 p.m.; $14, Opening Night $25
(215) 568-8077
www.interacttheatre.org
I dislike theater partly because I dislike "theater kids," those exceedingly bothersome thespians who talk fast, loud and endlessly. You know the ones I'm talking 'bout. They are the source of my seemingly rash distaste for plays of any kind. But, unlike most productions, this one sounds interesting. Set in Kuwait, it chronicles the romance between two American soldiers, while calling into question America's sustained military involvement in the Mid-East (another one of my fervent dislikes).
Emerging Artists Series: Charlotte R. Yudis
Woodmere Art Museum
9201 Germantown Avenue
Through April 4, Tue-Sat, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sun, 1 p.m.-5 p.m.; $5, suggested donation, $3 students
(215) 247-0476
www.woodmereartmuseum.org
We here at Street are not so intensely interested in microbiology. We tend to major in subjects like English and history, while dreading sectors five, six and seven of the College's general requirements. However, not all exceedingly creative people (like us) find science soporific. This artist's work centers on magnified images of cells and other microscopic bodily phenomena. P.S. Biology students are stupid.
Picturing Women
Rosenbach Museum and Library
2010 Delancey Place
Through May; Tue-Sun, 11 a.m.-4 p.m.; $5, $3 students
(215) 732-1600
www.picturingwomen.org
The artistic depiction of women is a topic of intense speculation and
controversy. Limitless whining. The awkward moments that follow a misplaced sexist comment. I don't have a problem with cleavage, but I guess some people do. And that's cool. I'm enlightened. In fact, I value diversity of opinion. But the grim, overbearing chauvinist looming over my right shoulder has a question for all you critics of female exploitation. "Why you gotta be like that?"
Exploring Africa
African American Museum
701 Arch Street
Through May; Tue, 10:30 a.m.-5 p.m.; Wed, 10 a.m.-7 p.m.; Thu-Sun, 10 a.m.-5
p.m.; $6, $4 students
(215) 574-0380
www.aampmuseum.org/
With this impressive collection of articfacts and cultural objects, the Museum elucidates the connection between the spiritual and the everyday, the way in which cultures organize their lives in a way that preserves their notion of the cosmic order. The exhibit also seeks to address a broader political issue--American archaeologists stealing all of Africa's shit! It's nice to have these Kenyan and Tanzanian relics, but how would you feel is some honkies came over from the other side of the world and started taking all our antiques? My mother, for one, would be very upset.
men of the cave
Cave
700 N. Delaware Avenue
Weekly, Thu-Sat; 8 p.m.-2 a.m.; Thu, $8; Fri, $14; Sat, $18
(215) 923-0504
www.menofthecave.com
Personally, I am not satisfied with the way the Village People's ode to the YMCA only surfaces at bar mitzvahs and weddings. When it comes to raining men, I need much more -- I want to see a bunch of greased up men using this classic top strip down 'til there ain't nothing left. Finally, this void in my life can be filled thanks to the Men of the Cave. These guys bump and grind it in their all male strip show three nights a week. God, I love cock.
1964: The Tribute
Keswick Theatre
Easton Road and Keswick Avenue
Glenside, PA 19038
Fri & Sat, 8 p.m., $27.50-$32.40
(215) 572-7650
www.1964thetribute.com
Rolling Stone calls this the best "Beatles tribute show on Earth!" The band really looks and sounds like the Fantastic Four themselves. From the vintage costumes to the harmonies, mop-tops and musical instruments, the show is exceedingly realistic, taking you on an engrossing journey of the band's early music. Expect a squeaky rendition of "Long Tall Sally" and at least one heavyset middle-aged woman dancing in the aisles.
The Art of the Music Poster from the '60s and '70s
James A. Michener Art Museum
Wachovia Gallery
138 South Pine Street
Doylestown, PA 18901
Through May 23, Tue.-Fri., 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m., Sat. 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Sun., 12 p.m.-5 p.m.; $4, students
(215) 340-9800
www.michenerartmuseum.org
From the colorful psychadelia of the Fillmore bills to the unembellished, iconic forms of Woodstock-era advertising, music posters of the '60s and '70s tried to depict what the music made you feel. At the Michener Museum, 100 vintage posters for the classic rock giants (everyone from Ike and Tina Turner to the Grateful Dead) are on display. The exhibit examines the way in which these innovative images impacted pop culture beyond the world of music.
DJ Kwestion
Grape Street Pub
105 Grape Street
Manayunk, PA 19127
Wed, 10 p.m., $4
(215) 483-7084
Providing soudscapes for such notables as Baby Blak and Chief Kamachi, DJ Kwestion is the darling of the local underground rap scene. For good reason, too. His beats are phatter than a whale. He and a small handful of other highly
sought-after producers from this area are making big moves in hip hop's
independent circuit. Phila has never been a steady source for premier
production. But times have changed. Look for Kwestion on Grape Street; he spins frequently at the Pub. While you're there, get him to sign your arm and don't shower until he's famous. Tell your roommate not to worry, though. It shouldn't be too long now.
James Naughton: It's About Time
Prince Music Theatre -- Main Stage
1412 Chestnut Street
Thu-Sat; Thu & Fri, 7:30 p.m.; Sat, 8:30 p.m.; $40
(215) 569-9700
www.princemusictheater.org
James Naughton looks like the archetypal failing artist whose heyday has gone down the drain along with thick clumps of thin hair. I can just see this guy speaking smoothly to a young woman after one of his sparsely-attended shows, leaning leisurely against a wall backstage. In a vulnerable moment, he says something off-kilter, something that would have been ignored when he was in his prime. But now he sucks and everyone's lost their patience for his crybaby crooning, so the young lady gives him a kick in the groin and the broken-down
singer breaks down to the floor. Holding his testicles, clutching the last
threads of fading glory, he desperately wishes he just had a little puntang.
Black Eyes/Need New Body
The First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Fri., 7:30 p.m., $8
(215) 925-6356
www.r5productions.com
This Valentines Day, when you're about to put your moves on that special friend of yours, maybe Black Eyes isn't the best album to put on. They put out some screamy post-punk that fits in quite well on the DC based Dischord label. Any band that is full of people who only go by their first names must either be U2 or just plain fucking weird. The live show is intense, though: two bassists, two drumkits, a guitarist, and whatever else they feel like throwing in this hodgepodge of sound. While you may enjoy their ferociously sporadic vocals that tend to focus on violence and all things lugubrious, Black Eyes probably will not get that hot V-Day lovin'.
Centro-Matic with the Mendoza Line/The Pale
North Star Bar
2639 Poplar St
Fri., 10 p.m., $10
(215) 684-0808
www.northstarbar.com
In major league baseball, if your batting average falls below .200, you're basically on the fast track to suckcess. Back to the minor leagues with your maladroit self... you're falling below the Mendoza Line. This Athens band uses keyboards, guitars, and sugar coated dreams to create a pastoral soundscape. If you're a fans of bedroom rock along the lines of Okkervill River, you ought to check this out. If you're a fan of Gwar, however, you should go stand in front of oncoming traffic.
@:
NRBQ
North by Northwest
7165 Germantown Ave.
Fri, 10 p.m., $16
(215) 248-1000
www.nxnwphl.com
Tremendous respect goes to any band that can come up with a clever acronym for a name. Alright, so this acronym for New Rhythm and Blues Quartet doesn't really fall into that category, but at least they play an entertaining breed of humorous funk that seems to create cult fans all the time. They've been around for quite a while -- ever since their collaboration with Carl Perkins back in a little year I like to call 1969. Their eclecticism combines country, rockabilly, pop, bar-band R&B, and more, all while throwing in a somewhat corny sense of humor. Check them out... do it..... dooooo it... do it. Now.
Measles Mumps Rubella/Black Coitus Family/1929/Aunt Jessica
The Khyber
56 S. 2nd Street
Sun., 9 p.m., $8
(215) 238-5888
www.thekhyber.com
I saw this band open for the Microphones and Dub Narcotic Sound System at the Black Cat Club in DC. Basically, I was expecting some mediocre post-punk DC band, but then these guys came out and did a really good job of not sucking. They sound like a more experimental Talking Heads gone the way of Gang of Four. Chances are they'll be playing songs from their upcoming album that will be released March 2nd, Fountain of Youth. Bands like this really make take me back to those glorious days before I was born.
Metric
North Star Bar
2639 Poplar St
Mon., 9 p.m., $12
(215) 684-0808
www.northstarbar.com
You may know the lead singer of this band as the vocalist on Broken Social scene's amazing song, "Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl." While this band hasn't put out anything quite as transcendent as that, they are nevertheless a solid bunch of Canucks who put on a live show that is definitely worth shelling out the Sacagaweas for. Check them out if you're into that sassy riot grrrl thing. Sistah' friend, you so hipster!
Rod Stewart
Wachovia Center
3601 S Broad Street
Tues, Feb 17, 8:00 p.m., $49.75 - $97.25
(215) 336-3600
http://www.comcast-spectacor.com
As soon as I saw that Rod Stewart was coming to Philly, I was psyched to write the guide for his concert. I figured there would be endless possible ways to make fun of the aging star -- after all, he did once sing in groups called the Hoochie Coochie Men and Steampacket. But then I took a step back and realized that I was not being nice. Let's face it, the fact that Rod Stewart is still around and trying to make money is funny in and of itself. So, from me to Rod, good luck. (Hah -- your name is Rod.)
Jackie 0-Motherfucker/Espers/Scorces
The Khyber
56 S. 2nd Street
Wed, 9 p.m., $8
(215) 238-5888
www.thekhyber.com
This Portland-based improvisational collective and targets of Thurston Moore's affections, Jackie-O Motherfucker, will be playing the Khyber this Wednesday. Anybody familiar with Sonic Youth's SYR releases can easily figure out why Moore would be attracted to this sort music so often characterized as hippie-freak out improvisation. Certainly, this Motherfucker is hard to pigeonhole, as they mix up the avant-garde with everything from folk to spiritual chanting. Check this out, and don't forget to bring Mom's acid.
Love Supreme Celebration Featuring Gloria Allende
Zanzibar Blue
200 S. Broad Street
Fri & Sat, 8 p.m. - 10 p.m., $15
(215) 732-4500
www.zanzibarblue.com
This Valentine's Day, take your sugarplum out for a flawless evening. Zanzibar Blue is the premier jazz club in Philadelphia. This weekend the stylish and diverse in-house band is celebrating "Love Supreme," John Coltrane's benchmark opus, one of the most acclaimed jazz albums of all time. Coupled with the sumptuous, seranades of Gloria Allende, this musical blend promises to be both relaxing and exciting.
Patriotic Concert and Crafts: Yankee Doodle Valentine!
Atwater Kent Museum
15 S. Seventh Street
Sat., 11 a.m., $5
(215) 685-4830
www.philadelphiahistory.org
This Valentine's Day, remember to hang your flags high and get lots of cuts making construction-paper heart cards to send to Dick Cheney. Remember to show your love for America at all times, and don't think you can hide from the telecscreens. Show up to this concert/craft show dressed up in your finest Revolutionary War-era garbs, and carry a musket to shoot any potential terrorists.
Valentine's Mating Tour
The Philadelphia Zoo
3400 W. Gerard Avenue
Sat., 9:30 a.m., $75 per adult, $135 per couple
(215) 243-1100
www.philadelphiazoo.org
Ever wonder whether that duckbilled platypus in the zoo is actually sending you seductive looks? Well, now you can learn about the sex and courtship habits of different animals. Spend your Valentine's Day on a mating tour that includes brunch and champagne. Drink a lot, because I hear they taught the apes the art of the Kama Sutra this year. Needless to say, I've never been more turned on in my entire life.
Valentine's Day at River Rink
Blue Cross River Rink
Columbus Boulevard
Sat., 1:30 p.m. - 6 p.m., $6
(215) 925-7465
www.riverrink.com
Take your Valentine ice-skating this year, because you just gotta show her how much you care. Let her know just how much you love the smell of her hair as you gleefully skate around the rink and bask in the serendipitous fortune that brought you together. Lavish her with ornate flower arrangements, and don't let her forget that they could never match the beauty of just one of her fingers. Truly, she is an angel sent from Heaven. Maybe then she'll forgive you for the other day when she walked down into your basement and saw how horribly sick you are.
Al Green
Tower Theatre
69th and Ludlow Streets
Upper Darby, PA 19082
Sun. 8 p.m., $45-$65
(610) 352-2887
http://cc.com
At last, Al Green's in Philly. And just in time, too. I was oh so "Tired of Being Alone." And I want you to know Albert, even though I haven't been completely faithful these last couple years, "I'm Still in Love With You." Marvin meant nothing. Otis was just a fling. You're the one I want, Al. You're the one I need. "Let's Stay Together."
VH1 '70s Soul Jam
Liacouras Center
1776 N Broad Street
Fri, 8 p.m., $31-49.50
(215) 204-2400
www.liacourascenter.com
Here's the lineup: The Stylistics, The Delfonics, The Blue Notes and the Chi-Lites, all in one place at one time. And you thought VH1 was good for nothing! The groups may have lost some of their original members and they might not dance with the same flair they did back in the day, but really, how you can pass up the chance to hear five of the top soul acts of the sensual '70s?
