CAVEAT: The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors.
To the guy who sits behind me in Oceanography: I'm Asian and you have a girlfriend. Let's fuck.
To everyone who is having sex in my house right now: Valentine's Day is supposed to be romantic. Something about banging things into walls just doesn't seem to fit into this category. Can't you light some candles or something? At least they're quiet...
Dear girl sitting next to me at yoga on Monday, you're pretty... pretty flexible. I am not, but I'll show you my vinyasa if you show me yours. (See page 10.)
To Hermann W. Pfefferkorn: you are my lucky star. Teach me about rocks, I'll teach you about passion.
To the guy freshman year who I hooked up with: You came on my shirt. It was my roommate's you asshole.
To my Lesbian Life Partner (LLP): Here's to pasties and touching your boobs, Mrs. Fields cookies and last Thursday when we realized we were LPs to LLPs...
To a nostalgic #13: Tired of practice? Let's scrimmage for real this time, and I promise you'll win a gold in our Special Friend Olympics.
To baseball stud, Minnesotan hottie is tired of playing the field -- bring her home.
Vocals: Stayed at home but no one called. I began to think my number wasn't listed at all. Suddenly all the pieces will fall right into place. Brunch?
I love you Wangc2!
To the redheaded Canadian, I hear that you're a good fuck. I want to take you home and play Texas Hold'm Strip Poker.
To Amy Gutmann, I've got a position you can fill, you academic MILF, you!! Giggity giggity!
To the girl who always asks me for a kiss on Locust Walk: besides my mouth, I also have a...
Hello hot guy in my 7:30 a.m. spinning class: You are hot and I want to do you... on a stationary bike. And don't fret, you'll get road head... um, stationary head.
Michael C: I love you, let's make Italian babies together.
Roars to that blue-eyed diddy on the 4th floor -- saw you reading your cookbook the other day. Let me know, and we'll get cooking.
Dear freshman girl who has the pictures of two girls making out in Pike basement. We'd like those back.
It's so mature to call someone slutty and then out of spite hook up with her friend -- well done asshole, keep the insults coming. You're surprised you're single???
To my MKTG 101 Prof. Barbara Kahn -- Even though I'm straight and you're like 50, I'd still do you; you're hot!
Yo, kid that teaches tennis like a pro, how can I sign up for a private lesson?
To the 19 year-old whose age doesn't matter: Here's another tidbit, I think your voicemails are adorable and I'd love to spend more daytime minutes talking to you.
To the manorexic red head who keeps me warm in style: Your Penne ala Vodka floors me. You can row my boat any day of the week.
Tex-Mex-Austro Sleaze-Bag, can you NOT take advantage of me when I am drunk?
Penn sluts: we really do love you. This is the least we can do to say thanks for all you've "done" for us over the years... 3 /Balboa/
To that dorky self-loathing New York romantic, from this clumsy ass-grabbing 14-year-old boy: Forgive me for dumping you. You are an exceptional kisser.
Shatte: I can no longer keep my love for you a secret. Please divorce your wife -- again, and marry me!
To the hottest brown kId at penn, i'M intriGued by yoUr amaziNg power over All of The women in phIlly who Love you. we just cAn't get enough of your dashing good looKs and we want to have All of your babies.
Poli Sci TA Dave, I love it when you talk politics to me. You look really hot in your blue Oxford shirt. If I give you a blowjob, can I have an A?
To my favorite chumpkin, because you accept me for who I am, while your love makes me even better -- your bratty baby.
Girl in DP Production: I can't tell if you are Hispanic, Asian, both or neither, but I love you more than ice cream.
Hey southern fratboy who I've wanted to kiss for a year and a half. We hang out but we never kiss. Why don't we just kiss?
To the boy who comes over everyday. Stop.
To the front row Middle Eastern laundry girl with the flowers in her hair: Are you feeling dirty? You don't need $1.25 for my 60-minute spin cycle.
Lil'D -- It really sucks that you are in Spain this Valentine's Day. You're in my thoughts & I miss you a lot! -- Button
To my anti-social, deaf to the world, obsessive FF hermit, you have a cute butt. I love you. Forever yours, Bearmo.
I hate and I love.
Thank you Lucinda for giving me blue balls. Two months with nothing more than kissing and spooning.
Thank you Shelbie for cock blocking me every time you see me.
To the sweet young lady who puked on my dick while giving me head, I never washed my cock before I fucked you. Dirty bitch.
To the blond "varsity swimmer": friends is fine, but you're still hot. Can we do friends with benefits again? Also, take me to Ball.
Jason, "Letts" get together!
To the studliest Stat 111 TA: You made Friday recitations well worth it. Thanks for the Starbursts. Every girl -- and maybe some of the guys -- loved your class (YOU).
To the second semester senior who broke it off with me because he's a second semester senior. I'm a second semester senior, too.
To the boy whose pants I made, what do I have to do to get into those pants?
To the easy NSO girl I got with, the REAL reason I stopped hooking up with you was because your ****** smelled like CRAP. Take a bath.
Allie Jordan, I love you. Hearing your voice is both intoxicating and torturous.
To that sleazy guy on my hall: stop sleeping with recruits who are on their period. No one wants to see your bloody sheets in the hallway on Sunday morning. That's nasty.
I like you forever, I love you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Hey Alan, no self-respecting girl at Penn wants to get on you, so just give up! And try wearing something other than lumberjack shirts, dipshit.
I can be your dream lover, so you don't have to dream alone.
To Mary-Ann Gestapo, why did you waitlist my girlfriend from Penn Law? You are seriously hurting my chances of regular sex next year. The verdict is... you suck.
Dear Closet, the Loft likes you more than just friends.
My favorite, freakishly tall Asian chick: You're my friend, homie. Now let's go get you a vibrator.
Hi Cupcake.
To Daddy Koala, I love to cling to your chest while you crawl around the bed and we pretend we are marsupials. If that's weird, then I don't want to be normal.
Vodka Gimlet girl, I love you!
To the guy with the fro on the basketball team... you know who you are. We like your black socks. You can be our MVP.
To my Math 241 TA, you are hotter than a partial differential equation.
Girl freshman year who broke up with me on Valentine's Day: I'm dedicating this V-day to you by drinking three handles of Hurricane and pissing on your front door! Have a great day!
