Sex Workers Art Show
Doc Watson's Pub
216 S11th Street
Thu, 9:30 p.m., Free
(215) 992-3427
Who says strippers can't produce meaningful art? This cabaret-type event gives new meaning to creativity. The music, visual art and dance tend to be more sardonic than serious, providing an erotically charged evening sure to send a tingle up your spine. Certainly an event not to be missed by anyone who, for once, just wants to see things from a porn star's perspective.
Saving Philadelphia: Art of the Dumpster Divers
Sedgwick Cultural Center
7137 Germantown Avenue
Through March 14, Thu-Fri, 1 p.m.-8 p.m.; Sat-Sun, 1 p.m.-5 p.m.; Free
(215) 248-9229
www.sedgwickcenter.org
One man's trash is another man's treasure. This is the manifesto of the Philadelphia Dumpster Divers, a group of local artists who have made it their mission to transform found objects into pieces of art. And so, shit becomes sumptuous. Garbage becomes glorious. And waste becomes wonderful. But please take note: visitors to this ungodly toxic dump of an exhibit are strongly advised to bring a gas mask. The place smells worse than Grandma's house.
Radicals & Conservatives
Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts
118 N. Broad Street
Through April 4, Tue-Sat, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Sun 11 a.m.-5 p.m., $4
(215) 972-7600
www.pafa.org
I sympathize with those of you who think that abstract art is an elaborate and unfunny joke perpetuated by cruel elitist conspirators. My younger brother Sam has similar suspicions. On a recent holiday jaunt to the Met, I introduced Sam to a bowl's worth of fine cannabis and the engrossing visual stimulation of Picasso's cubism. Aiming his red eyes at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colors, he asked me, "What's that?" After a moment, I answered, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse." Puzzled by my response, Sam asked, "Well, why isn't it?" Silly child... because old Pablo was an acid junky. And one fine day, you will be one, too.
Josh O.S.: New Money O.S.
Space 1026
1026 Arch Street, 2nd Floor
Opening Reception Feb. 6, 6 p.m.-11 p.m.
Through Feb. 28, Wed-Sat, 11 a.m.-5 p.m., Free
(215) 574-7630
www.space1026.com
I surmise that Josh O.S. is some sort of artist and this is his exhibit. That's about all I know. Well, I also know that either Josh's last name is horrible and awkward, or he's just really pretentious. I think I'm going to get rid of my middle and last names and replace them with the first letters of each of them. I'll be like that R&B singer Jon B., except my name isn't Jon and I can't sing. Oh wait, neither can he.
J”rg Immendorff: I Wanted to Become an Artist
Levy Gallery at Moore College of Art & Design
20th Street and Benjamin Franklin Parkway
Through March 21, Tue-Sun, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Free
(215) 965-4045
www.thegalleriesatmoore.org
I wanted to be a PPE major. Then I wanted to do English. Now I want to quit college and go home, because I hate school and I hate all of you and I'm never coming back ever. On the other hand, Jorg Immendorff wanted to be an artist. Whereas I suck at life, he became post-war Germany's most eloquent spokesman. Nazi...
Christine Lafuente
Gross McCleaf Gallery
127 S. 16th Street
Through Feb. 21, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Closed Sun, Free
(215) 665-8138
www.grossmccleaf.com
This local artist's work utilizes emblematic wide brushstrokes along with daring colors in her attempt to capture the evanescence of various images from her surrounding world. She will be showing 20 new paintings and a series of ink drawings. I would also like to announce that I will be selling some of my own work outside Wawa by the Quad this Tuesday at 4 p.m. Mostly they're just Xerox copies I've made of an old ham sandwich and self-portraits of me taking shots of Jack in a bathtub.
Ladies' Choice: American Women's Fashions, 1950-1965
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Benjamin Franklin Parkway and 26th Street
Through April 31, Tue-Sun 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; Wed & Fri 10 a.m.-5 p.m., $10, students $7; Sun pay-what-you-wish
(215) 684-7600
www.philamuseum.org/exhibitions/installations/ladieschoice.shtml
Repression truly was a beautiful thing in the '50s, at least clothing-wise. Men still controlled the world post-Hitler, and lacking Brave New World bravado they turned to female attire for idyllic fulfillment. Mothers attempted to regulate their rebellious progeny through torturous methods just short of corset strings and bound feet, until Mugatu figured he had wrung that cash poodle's neck as much as he could. So the next time your friend tells you that she spent three hours squeezing into a tube sock dress, you can thank that crazy-haired fashion guru for freeing women from their Hobson's choice.
Salsa Wednesdays With Jose Rodriguez
North by Northwest
7165 Germantown Avenue
Wednesdays, 9 p.m., $5
(215) 248-1000
www.nxnwphl.com
Personally, the only two dances that I have mastered are the Robot and the Plunge. One time I tried to go swing dancing with some friends, and let's just say three people ended up in the hospital. They will never be able to see again. Thus, I take my hat off to anyone who can master a dance as difficult as Salsa. I think I'll just at home and watch porn while eating nachos.
RIGHT THURRRSDAYS WITH LOWBEEZY
700 Club
700 N. Second Street
Thursdays, 9 p.m., Free
(215) 413-3181
The superb title for this weekly hip-hop hoedown is enough to earn the 700 Club a listing. But more impressively, this establishment of peeling wallpaper and wobbly armchairs was one of the first outposts of hipsterdom about a decade back. Today, the club lives on as a homey haven for young people of all varieties: frat boys, JAP girls and other lively collegiates. So hit em' up and let yur hurr down.
Open Hockey
Class of 1923 Ice Rink
3130 Walnut Street
Tue & Thu, 10:15 a.m.-11:45 a.m., $10
(215) 898-1923
www.hstrial-rrobertson1.homestead.com/HOME.html
One of my teachers this semester is Canadian. However, she's a plump lesbian who waddles and chirps her way through lectures, so this message is not for her. Calling all robustly athletic individuals of Canadian descent, your national pastime has arrived in Philadelphia. Come out to show the hockey-playing sons and daughters of Connecticut yupees who's really the boss when it comes to the puck.
ComedySportz
The Playground
2030 Sansom Street
Saturdays, 7:30 p.m & 10 p.m., $15, $12 students
(877) 98-LAUGH
www.comedysportzphilly.com
Safe for the whole family. Fine holiday fun. In this improvisational journey, the comedy comes without curse words. But is it possible to have quality yet wholesome humor? Allow me to summon up words from my perennial muse, Eminem, in order to answer this question: "Will Smith don't got to cuss in his raps to sell records/well I do/so fuck him and fuck you too."
Love Festival
Philadelphia Ethical Society
1906 Rittenhouse Square
Sun, 11 a.m., Free
(215) 735-3456
www.phillyethics.net
OK, this is actually a really cool event celebrating love, run by a humanist religious and educational group here in Philadelphia. However, I prefer to imagine a poorly lit room full of coked-up, sweaty people having sex with one another while Donna Summer's "Love to Love You Baby" plays seductively in the background... wait, that was just how I spent my weekend.
Franklin Air Show
Franklin Institute
Benjamin Franklin Parkway and 20th Street
All week, 9:30 a.m.-5 p.m., $12.75
(215) 448-1200
http://sln.fi.edu
When I was in kindergarten, I really wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force. Actually, that's a lie. Inexplicably, I wanted to be an air traffic controller. Now I know that the job is so high-stress that these people burn out after a couple years on the job. But back then all I knew was that it would be fun to mess around and have the planes almost hit each other, while moving them out of each others' ways at the last second. Yes, I had formed bloodlust at an early age. So go see this show, and if you're like me, hope a plane comes crashing into the audience. Folks, I'm just kidding. Or am I?
To Put it In
Free Library of Philadelphia
19th and Vine Streets
Through April 31, All week, Mon-Thu 9 a.m.-9p.m., Fri 9 a.m.-6 p.m., Sat 9 a.m.-5 p.m., Sun 1 p.m.-5 p.m., Free
(215) 686-5322
www.library.phila.gov
This is some sort of show where they sell crafts and the like. One criticism, though -- they called an event that takes place at a library "To Put It In." Maybe thoughts of seductive librarians and steamy stack sex never crossed their minds, but they sure crossed mine. Perhaps this immediate inclination to perversion is representative of my strip club/trailer home childhood (what else could explain my obsession with Baywatch: Nights?). Whatever the case, I am now a raging nymphomaniac who would rather think about sex than some mediocre craft show.
Dropkick Murphys
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th Street
Sat, 8:30 p.m., $17.25-$19.25
(215) 569-9400
I'd just like to mention that this group has a guy named Spicy McHaggis who plays bagpipes. If I had a band, I think I would want a Spicy McHaggis on bagpipes too. Well, maybe not. Nevertheless, this eight-year-old Boston group enjoys playing that loud Rock and/or Roll that the kids all seem to like, so go see them if that's your bag. They are a symbol of Irish ethnic pride and drunken bar fighting. However, I'm just going to stay home and get wasted on Guinness.
Traditional Irish Music Session
Plough and The Stars
123 Chestnut Street
Sun, 4 p.m., Free
(215) 733-0300
What's better than sitting down at a great old bar with some of the best beer in Philadelphia, listening to Irish musicians jam away on their fiddles? Not much, but if I had to find something that would be better, it would be hunting human targets with long-range sniper rifles for cash rewards. Think about it -- stalking your scared, frantic prey through the brush, sneaking up behind him and blowing him away, either for $10,000 or the pure thrill of eating his soul. I know many of you don't have the cojones to do this... pussies. So for you, I say find some fun that is a little more low-key: a wooden stool, a Guinness and an afternoon of Irish music.
Howie Day
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th Street
Fri, 8:30 p.m., $18
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
Another singer/songwriter singing and songwriting. Day, who lists U2 and Jeff Buckley as inspirations, apparently has not considered changing the name he shares with a former Backstreet Boy. In fact, I'm inclined to believe that Howie Day actually is the heartthrob Dorough (for God's sake they share the same initials!) who has changed his image from bubblegum to folk with the use of a clever marketing scheme and lots of plastic surgery. Or maybe I'm just bitter because the Backstreet Boy wouldn't make out with me when I met him backstage three years ago.
The Pietasters
The Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Fri, 7 p.m., $13
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
The Pietasters are a well-known ska band... but that doesn't matter. I like pie a lot. Now you might be thinking, "Here he goes down the obvious road with this listing, doing the whole Pietasters and pie thing." Good, I want you to think that, and you know what? I'm going to do it. My favorite kind of pie? Key Lime. My favorite topping? Whipped cream. What now? You got a problem with that? I didn't think so. Somebody get me some goddamn pie.
Stereophonics
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th Street
Fri, 8:30 p.m., $18
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
The venue is sure to be filled with teenagers who are pissed that Oasis broke up and are searching for some sort of replacement. The British rockers that comprise the Stereophonics probably won't fill that void, but they will certainly give the kids something to scream about. I won't be there in person for the music, but, because I sweat the lead singer Kelly Jones, I'll be there in spirit.
Teenage Girls
The Balcony at the Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Fri, 8 p.m., $7
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
OMG Britney!! The Teenage Girls are playing this Friday. The lead singer is sooo hot. WTF Michelle, he is sooo not hot and P.S. he is definitely gay. Whatever Britney, Seventeen said he was most definitely canoodling with Hillary Duff. Seventeen is not the Bible, Tiffany. I know, Britney.
Atmosphere
Trocadero Ballroom
1003 Arch Street
Mon, 7 p.m.,$16
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
I still like them even though other people at Street think they're atrocious. I like them even though their beats are tiring and uninspired. Even though Slug's flow is weak and his lyrics are asinine. Even though they're the weakest link in the Rhymsayers crew. Even though they have a major label contract they don't deserve. I like them even though... fuck it, I don't like them anymore.
Simple Plan
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th Street
Mon, 6:30 p.m., $18.50 advance, $20 at the door
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
Canada has been blessing us with some amazing music over the years. There's been Neil Young, Joni Mitchell and now folks like Broken Social Scene and the Unicorns. And then there's the bilious pop-punk-filth that is Simple Plan. Sure, go see this show if your taste in music hasn't evolved since middle school. You probably enjoy blasting Blink 182 and jamming to some Reel Big Fish. Worst of all, you probably have a lot more sex than I do. God, I'm bitter.
