Have you ever sat down and wondered what life on Noah's Ark was really like? Well, if you are anything like us, you haven't. But amazingly, this interview is a divine revelation, and will uncover exactly what life on the Ark was. Written by the hand of man but through the inspiration of the Almighty, the following is an account of the happiness and the drama behind God's "2-by-2" animal prison. Now, I know what you're thinking -- "Time to turn the page, this is gonna suck." Normally I would say, "Don't do that mister! This is a quality interview worth reading." But this time...
So, how's life on the ark?
Sheep: Baaaa. Baaaa. Ba baaaaaaa.
Hey, can anyone speak sheep around here?
Lemur: Pardon me, but I speak sheepish.
Would you mind translating for us?
Lemur: Not at all, my good chap. "Baaaa. Baaaa. Ba baaaaaaa" means "The lion keeps eyeing me, and sleeping in our waste degrades us all."
So how does it feel to be the last male sheep on earth?
Sheep: Ba baa baaaaa?
Lemur: He says, "How'd you know I was male?"
You've got a huge boner right now.
Sheep: Ba ba ba.
Lemur: Ha ha ha. That's a good one, my fine feathered friend. He said, "Well, I've been doing it mousy style all day."
Yes, but about being the last male sheep on earth?
Sheep: Baaaa ba baaaaaa. Ba ba ba ba baaaaa.
Lemur: "You know it's surprisingly liberating. You'd think there'd be a lot of pressure but there isn't."
Sheep: Ba ba baaaa, ba, baa.
Lemur: "I don't have to worry about impressing anyone because, hey, it's not like that skanky ewe's got a choice."
And you, Mr. Lemur, how have you found the ark?
Lemur: Oh splendid, really. There are just so many interesting creatures to talk to. Oh, but those nasty llamas.
Llama: Did I hear y'all talking smack about me? I'll kill you, I swear it.
Lemur: Oh no, of course not. It's just, well, you wiped your asshole with my wife. And, well, she's ever so squeamish around bum holes.
Llama: Whateva! I do what I want!
Gentlemen please, we don't care about your wives or your holes.
Lemur: Sorry, old bean.
Llama: Yeah, sorry.
Sheep: Baa baaaa ba. Baaaaa ba. Baaa.
Lemur: He says, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And what lies within me is grain. Think about it."
Sheep. That makes no sense.
Sheep: Ba baa ba baaa!
Lemur: "Shut up and get me some pork chops!"
Pig: Oink oink oink.
Does anyone speak pig around here?
Prairie Dog: Did someone say pig? I speak a bit of it.
Could you help us out here please?
Prairie Dog: Certainly. The pig says, "Your reference to me being cooked has once again infuriated me. I insist you apologize at once or I will deep fry your genitals."
Sheep: Baa baaaa baba.
Lemur: "I'd like to see you try, you useless sack of crap."
Prairie dog: Who just spit on me?
Llama: Yo.
Lemur: He'll do that on occasion you know, no respect, no respect at all.
Pig: Oink oink oink. Oink oink! Oink oink oink. OINK! Oink oink! Oink oink oink? Oink oink oink.
Llama: No one cares what you think, pig!
Prairie Dog: Now you've gone and done it. You never want to make a pig angry.
Rooster: Did someone say cock?
Sheep: Ba!
Lemur: "No!"
Fellas, fellas, fellas. Please calm down. I'd like to ask you some more questions if I could.
Pig: Oink.
Prairie Dog: He says, "Sorry."
Okay, now where are the women through all this? What do the females think?
Rooster: They think what we tell them to think. These are biblical times after all. Cockadoodledoo.
Interesting. Why are there no sea creatures on this ark? Clearly Noah didn't build an aquarium on this thing big enough for two of each whale.
Lemur: Well of course not, old chap. They live in the sea after all! A completely devastating flood would hardly worry them, would it?
How do you all feel about the Christian belief that animals don't go to heaven because they do not have mortal souls?
Sheep: Baa baaaa ba.
Lemur: I agree, sheep. These Christians have it all wrong. We agree with the Hindus on this one. You know, reincarnation and all that.
Prairie Dog: Yep, I was a Hungarian goat herder in my past life.
Llama: Weren't we all...
Rooster: Cockadoodledoo!
Andy Warhol: Meoooooooooooooow.
So what are your plans once you get off the ark?
Sheep: Baaa baaaaaa ba ba.
Lemur: He says, " 'Get off' are the key words there."
Llama: I really want to catch up on all the Murphy Brown episodes I missed. You know, from being on this ark for so long. I just love that Miles.
Pig: Oink oink oink!
Prairie Dog: Shut up about Mike Toto already!
Cat: Meooooooow.
How come only some of you can speak English?
Andy Warhol: Cockledoodledoo!
Any parting words to say to the Penn community?
Llama: Remember, safety first.
Pig: It's all right. It's okay. It's just like it was yesterday.
To the reader: Congratulations on finishing this article. You have nothing to show for it but wasted time. But hey, in this crazy world, isn't that all we have? WWSD? Shine on, you crazy diamond.
