This issue is not about you. No matter how many times you find yourself dancing on top of a bar and discover your right boob hanging out. No matter how many times you gobble a bag of shrooms and wake up to discover yourself in a field of eggplants. No matter how many times you find yourself in the middle of a steamy threesome in a hot tub in a frat house basement. Forget it. You didn't make the list. You don't qualify as truly scandalous.
While gathering truly scintillating information for this issue, we learned a few things:
1. While some Penn students just walk into Cosi for the simple joy of gnawing on a piece of flatbread, others go for gnawing on a delicious piece of flesh (of the CosΠsalad artist).
2. It's not everyday that I have not one, but two BMOC's in my apartment. On a side note, both Jake Rosenberg and Anthony Faye complimented me on my posh digs and share the same preference in underwear.
3. Most Penn students have 0-4 drinks when they party. Also, most Penn students don't sell crack. Except for that kid who is still in jail.
4. You really don't need to eat that bag of chips.
Here at Street, we are currently caught in a maelstrom of our own scandals. Lately, we have found our publication the subject of several guest columns and letters to the editor in The Daily Pennsylvanian. Also, our office has been bugged by the FBI. I keep telling them that John doesn't work here anymore, but no one is buying my story.
We could have filled the pages with the scandalous details of our personal lives. As one editor whispered to me during class today, "It's funny that our own personal lives are probably more scandalous than what we are reporting on." But I doubt anyone wants to read about our wild nights and drunken mistakes other than ourselves.
Basically, we learned that unless you pull some bad ass shit, you're probably not going to be remembered here at Penn. Unless you're rich. And maybe (big maybe) if you're Ivanka. As they say, legacy is legacy. Or as they say in France, "Le legs est le legs."
A few words of advice though: don't go and try to make your mark by robbing Commerce Bank. That's already been done about eight times.
