After months of preparation, the California gubernatorial recall election is fast approaching. While it would seem that only students from California with absentee ballots would have the fun, even those who have never been to the Golden State can party.
Here's the deal: There are 135 candidates in the race. Get 12 of your friends together one night at someone's house. Everyone draws a number out of a hat, determining his or her draft position. After each round, the draft order reverses.
Scoring is as such: if you pick the winner, you get 135 points. If you pick the person who finishes 135th, you get one point. And so on. Whoever gets the most points wins. If everyone chips in 10 bucks, the winner nets a cool $120. Everyone should answer whether or not Gray Davis will get recalled, to break ties. Tiebreaker number two is the total number of votes received by your candidates. Tiebreaker number three is a race around the world. In the case of a tie in said race, just split the damn money already.
We realize some of you probably haven't been following the recall closely, so here is our opinion on some of our favorite candidates.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (R): With five days to go, the thespian bodybuilder appears to have a firm hold on the election, even if fellow Republican Tom McClintock refuses to drop out.
Cruz Bustamante Jr. (D): He's been hurt because he was in a militant Latino group in college. But we all did stupid shit during that time of our lives. Street, for one, once streaked through Van Pelt Library shouting, "Free all the fishes from the dirty wrath of Genghis Khan and his poopy poop of poop! McGriddles are excellent." With speeches like that, Bustamante is a good pick.
Arianna Huffington (Independent): In a debate, the recent drop-out accused Arnold of wanting to chop her up and put her in a freezer, a la Terminator 3. We don't know Arnold's intentions for Ms. Huffington, but we do know that crazy talk like that will get you lots of votes. Just look at John Street. ("Sam Katz wants to eat my organs and feast on the sweet sweet goo inside Frank Rizzo!")
Brooke Adams (Independent): According to her bio, Brooke was vice president of her high school's junior class. Instead of Adams, pick Doug Morrison, the president of that class, now working at the Nu Wave Car Wash on San Pedro Street in San Jose.
Vik Bajwa (D) & Vip Bhola (R): We're relatively sure that these two are the same person. Stay away.
Gary Coleman (Independent): What ever happened to Webster?
Michael Jackson (R), Richard Simmons (Independent) & Bob Dole (R): These candidates will get some votes based on what we like to call "inaccurate name recognition," but could lose votes from anti-gay and/or anti-Viagra groups. What's wrong with a lil' stiffy here and there?
Gallagher (Independent): Gallagher lists his profession as "comedian" on his application form. That's like calling Mother Theresa a "giant floating orb of some sort."
Frank "Mac" Macaluso (D) & Paul "Chip" Mailander (D): Who the fuck are these guys?
Diane Beall Templin (AIP): Templin lists her occupation as "anti-gay activist." Exactly how does an anti-gay activist earn a living? We've had some pretty weird jobs in our day -- ivory dealer, homeless clown, PETA President -- but, man, Templin sucks.
Nate Walton (Independent): We don't know who's got the peanut butter, but Nate Walton's got the jam!
Mary Carey (Independent): We don't know who's got the peanut butter, but Mary Carey got the nuts!
Spatula (Libertarian): Bound to stir up trouble!
Todd "Bumhunter" Lewis (Independent): Bound to stir up bums! (See Richard Simmons.)
Larry Flynt (D): May get some votes from the porn-again Christians.
Kurt "Tachikaze" Rightmyer (Independent): He's also, apparently, a backyard sumo wrestler. (See Todd Lewis.)
John "Jack" Mortensen (D): And you thought "Tachikaze" was a wack nickname!
