When I got into Penn, most of my parents' friends gave me the congratulatory slap on the back. But when we ran into my mom's friend Mrs. Wygotski at the mall, she gave my mother an incredulous look and screamed: "You're sending him there? It's like West Beirut. You better make sure and pack a gun in his duffel bag." At the time, I shrugged off her comment. After all, I had visited Penn twice and it didn't seem that scary. When my dad was here in the late 70s, crime was much worse. He got mugged outside of Smoke's and his roommate had his car stolen. Yet, in light of this recent crime wave, I'm thinking about investing in a stun gun.
Street smarts are great and everything, but if I want to walk down Beige Block at 2 a.m. flashing hundred dollar bills, I shouldn't have to worry about being mugged by a six year-old girl with pigtails. At least in West Beirut, the criminals are adults AND have more intimidating hairstyles. And this is coming from someone who was actually mugged by a gang of school children last spring.
As the University cannot seem to provide adequate security, I've come up with a few of my own ideas on how we can all take a bite out of crime. Luckily though, we do have those blue lights. Thank God for those blue lights, because they allow the person mugging me to see that I don't have any more cash.
Security idea #1: Rent-an-AK47. Screw Rent-a-Cop -- they just fall asleep. I need to be packing some heat when I'm walking down the street. Face it -- nothing says, "No, I don't have any change" like bustin' a cap in somebody's face.
Security idea #2: Kindergarten Cop. Arnold has no business running California. However, he would make an awesome Penn policeman. And he could keep tabs on all those school kids who keep holding people up at Crayon point.
Security idea #3: Penn gangs. You need to roll with some homies if you want to look tough on these mean streets. I demand that Penn encourage the formation of gangs. After all, what could be scarier than 20 girls in identical black pants walking down the street carrying identical Herve Chapeliers?
While we wait for the implementation of these new security measures, the administration could start by putting streetlights on Pine, Spruce and Walnut and devising a shuttle system that doesn't take 20 minutes to arrive. But who am I to criticize? I only have to walk down these dark streets every night. In the meantime, I'll be packing heat.
