I masturbate in public. Not constantly. Not even that frequently. Maybe once a month. Unless I find a new place to try out. Then the number goes up, maybe to once a week. Excluding weekends. OK, on average, every three days. That's my final offer. Except for last week. I was really horny, OK? Here are the tried and true hot spots for spilling your seed on campus (excluding public bathrooms -- they are too easy). A panel of four judges (eight hands) assigned a rating on a five bucket scale for each spot. Locations were judged on privacy, exhilaration of being caught, environmental stimulus, comfort, cleanliness and proximity to paper towels. Come, read on...
Van Pelt 5th Floor Bookcase Storage
Van Pelt masturbators are generally relegated to the 3rd floor west private bathrooms. Spice things up by finding the bookcase storage room on the east side of the 5th floor. Enclose yourself in the movable cases and enjoy a square jerk.
Steinberg-Dietrich Stock Exchange Now that Huntsman is the place for Whartonites to study at night, the stock exchange in the basement of Steiny-D is a perfect place to watch your personal portfolio's value go up and down.
Penn Shield at Perelman Quad A two-foot high cement semi-circle welcomes you as you discover a quaint hideaway in front of the Perelman Quad shield, affording you wonderful privacy, if you lie down.
Student Federal Credit Union With cameras everywhere there's absolutely no way you can get off without a student employee catching you. Still, I don't think I'm the only one who wants to splooge all over tomorrow's I-Bankers... TODAY!
Huntsman Hall DrumThe mini-tower located in the Huntsman forum affords self-pleasurers two levels of wankability. You've never experienced true bliss until you've blasted off in this greed rocket. You might wanna "pregame" in the forum bathroom before you go.
Fine Arts Library 2nd Floor CarrelsOne of the few spots on campus affording 3.5 wall protection, it is entirely possible to barricade oneself in a corner carrel and jack-off over the cement railing onto unsuspecting studiers. Three points for hitting a librarian.
East Side of Meyerson Hall Street lights cast overlapping shadows on this gated masturbation haven. Lie down against the 34th Street-side wall and get off by fantasizing about hot pedestrians on the sidewalk less than a foot away from you. Trust me, I'm serious about this one.
Sheerr Pool SaunaTo the untrained eye the sauna is just another one of those glass rooms, but let's not forget the fogging power of steam and the lubricating effects of condensation. Perhaps, a workout partner will lend a hand.
Under the 38th Street BridgeIt may not be the cleanest of places, but some people like a li'l dust in their eyes, you filthy pandas. For a more pleasurable experience, time your visit around sunset -- before the partiers and homeless people come out. Sit back and enjoy the sights.
Franklin Field -- On Maurice Greene's Shoulders During Penn Relays I suppose I've catered more to private masturbators than to the exhibitionists among us. My apologies. Just remember, if you wanna jack off on the shoulders of the world's fastest man, you better have the world's fastest wrist.
