... that University of Pennsylvania President, Judy Rodin, is sick of her public image as a slut. In a statement released to the Philadelphia press, Rodin said: "I am not, nor have I ever been a whoremonger." However, when asked about doing the white man's over-bite on top of the pool table at the St. Anthony house on Penn's campus last Wednesday, Rodin refused to comment except to say: "I have every right to exercise my free will as a strong, independent woman."
... that Jason Levy, UA President, is no longer going to be taking off his shirt at sporting events at Penn. Our sources have discovered that Levy can no longer partake in his bare-chested cheers because of a medical condition that causes his nipples to lactate. Penn sophomore, Kristin Kares, lamented on the loss, saying: "I have no reason left to go to the games. I may as well just buy a vibrator and stay in my room."
Sightings Hollywood's two most bodacious twins snuggled up over the counter at Smoke's -- a West Philadelpia hot-spot-- late Friday night. Mary Kate and Ashley were both in Juicy Couture and Juicy Tubes lip gloss in Jail-bait Scentsation. University of Pennsylvania freshman Bobby McQuade swears he saw the two of them French-kissing. "It was so fucking awesome, man! I mean, I've sat on the john and dreamed that this day would come." Representatives for the two young starlets deny any rumors of heavy-petting between the two, though they cannot account for the hickies on the stars' necks. One Smoke's bartender remarked: "We're just glad that the girls enjoyed themselves in our fine establishment."
Spotted University of Pennsylvania sophomore Ivanka Trump, daughter of real estate tycoon Donald Trump, vomited ouside of the Leidy Labs early Saturday morning. Our sources found amongst the mess a burnished silver spoon, beluga caviar, and pieces of Spam sushi. Hormel Foods, the company that produces Spam, refused to comment on the event.
Members of PETA, the Animal Rights organization, and Penn environmental activists threw red paint at squirrels on the grass in front of Van Pelt library. Emma Hypocritus, President of the Penn Lesbian Trout-Fishing and Saving-the-Earth club, remarked: "It is a travesty that these beasts are allowed to parade around campus in their fur coats. This is setting a horrific example to mammals everywhere." Representatives from the squirrel community think that the whole ordeal is absurd, claiming that "these uptight eco-terrorists are just jealous that they don't have cute tails to shake. Plus, without fur coats, how are the squirrels supposed to accesorize their nuts"
