Roll out the red carpets. Break open the Cristal. Line up the cocaine. Here comes a new section of 34th Street dedicated entirely to the thriving jet-set community some people like to call Penn. Screw the accolades bestowed upon Nobel prize-winning professors; fuck the UA and their film festivals. Let's get our priorities straight, people: it's all about who you are, who you hang out with, what you wear, and where you wear it. Why else would you take the extra ten seconds to flip your collar up as you side-step over the homeless man in the street? I mean, did you see his dirty sneakers? Backed by popular demand (and we stress POPULAR), we present you with Stijl, a new section based solely on material goods and insipid chit-chat -- the cornerstone of life as we know it. We hope you enjoy. No, we take that back. You will enjoy, because if you don't, well then, you're just a fat, badly-dressed loser.

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