In this time of war, I've been reflecting on what it means to be an American. As our troops are out fighting in the field, it seems that we have all decided that it's time to be patriotic. In the midst of all this U.S.A. fever, I find myself coming back to the question of what defines our country. And the only thing that comes to mind is asses. After a Spring Break spent in London, I've come to the conclusion that our country is suffering from an extreme shortage of belts. While you can find a belt in about any store in this city, it seems like people either aren't buying them or haven't quite figured out how to use them. Because I have seen way too many asses hanging out of pants these days. Quite frankly, it's inescapable. Everywhere I go, they confront me as if there is some sort of conspiracy of mooning at work. While paying for my sandwich at CosΠthe other day, the barista turned around and bent over - flashing her leopard skin thonged ass at me. During a concert at the Rotunda, a friend displayed her own thonged cheeks for public viewing. And one of my editors is constantly showing off his own hairy crack. From hairy frat boy ass to tanned sorority girl butt, I have seen them all. And I am none the wiser. In London, this whole ass issue was not a problem, as I did not see one British buttock the entire trip. While others may attribute this phenomenon to the British obsession with properness. I doubt there is anything specifically British about wearing a belt. Even the French understand the inappropriateness of flashing your two cheeks. And to all the citizens of this country who insist on eating Patriot fries and flushing Dom Perignon down the toilet, I have two French words for you: tight pants. I doubt that French fashion will ever catch on this side of the Atlantic, but at least such pants spare us from these constant displays of plumber's butt. The next time you slip on your favorite pair of jeans, how about grabbing something to cinch them a little tighter to your waist, at least for yours truly's sake. And remember, you can shake what your mamma gave ya, but next time please wear a belt.

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