You know everything that will happen in this movie: There will be hackneyed and racist portrayals of the Chicago slums; there will be a white ne'er-do-well who is forced to coach the Bad News Bears; he will inspire them; they will inspire him; some kid will die; the team will win the championship; and Keanu Reeves will seem about as dense as a cinderblock. Thankfully, the kids are endearingly menacing--enough to summon an occasional guffaw--but this heartfelt ball of triteness fails in every way besides. Finally, you will ask yourself again and again, why is it that I can't enjoy a story about goodness and lasting triumph? But, I promise, you will wince from all its unremarkable badness. And hell, you might cry when that cute little boy gets shot, because it's really sad.

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