2. While this episode had its fair share of plot advances and surprises, there was nothing like the hilarious, yet awkwardly uncomfortable conversation that ensued over Don and Megan’s dinner with Megan’s boss, Mel (Ted McGinley), and his wife, star of the soap opera, Arlene (Joanna Going). Simply, they beseeched Don and Megan to “become better acquainted” over some grass and a “then we’ll see what happens” after their lavish meal. Essentially, a you-know-what. Or something of those sorts. Arlene even offered to make Don her signature black coffee in the morning. The Drapers refused, yet this scene did more than resound on the uneasiness plaguing Don (from his affair and his memories of living in the whorehouse), but it also took a stab at Megan. Remember that miscarriage? Well, now Mel’s offered her soap opera character a love scene and she’s tense about Don’s (or James Garner, if Arlene’s speaking’s) reaction. It’s difficult for Megan to step out from Don’s shadow without a kink in their marriage, since she doesn’t want to displease Don. But, she wants to be a renowned actress even if Don or her parents discredit the occupation. In the fifth season finale, Marie Calvet called what Megan’s dream to be a successful actress a “phantom.” That accusation served as a metaphor for many other elements of the finale, but now, the title of Megan’s soap opera, “To Have and to Hold,” also has two-fold meaning. First, it’s a 1900 novel (bestseller of the year, actually) chronicling a English soldier turned explorer in the Jamestown colony who finds a wife, yet through a turn of events must thwart plots to kidnap her and deliver her back to England where they can live in peace. Additionally, it’s another metaphor for what “Mad Men’s” all about: perception. Megan believes she has a firm command of her career, but it’s clear at the end of the episode that Don’s resentment may become an issue if this storyline continues. As we know, Megan’s unaware of Don’s current infidelity. Yet, she knows his true name, Dick Whitman. What she doesn’t know is the ACTUAL truth behind Arlene’s intuition when attempting to flatter Don. She predicates, “I’m sure he’s a man who plays many roles.” Yes, there’s a lot of states to the morally complex Don (Dick) Draper (Whitman). And, there’s things (or people) Don senses he controls, yet he doesn’t at all. What one has and what one believes to have are two completely different arrangements, as this episode further implores. Keep that in mind…

3. Back to Joan. When her old friend Kate interviews for Avon, they spend the night out in the city. Filled with an elegant performance (maybe not as good as the ones in”Christmas Waltz” or “The Other Woman”) by Christina Hendricks, the agency’s newest partner has quite the night. Commencing in a burger joint that Joan describes as a “soda fountain” with the vibe of “high school right down to the clientele,” all she wants is a drink and a livelier atmosphere. By the end of the night, Joan’s relaxed, sitting at the end of a couch in a club while Kate and her man for the night steal a few bases. She doesn’t care that she’s alone. Or so it seems. A few sips here, another glance there and the kaleidoscopic scene of the club (coupled with the French song “Bonnie and Clyde” by Serge Gainsbourg) sinks Joan right in. Soon, she’s making out with Kate’s man’s friend. The next time we encounter Joan and Kate, Gail Holloway is waking the hungover duo, mid-morning. As they lay in bed, Kate makes a confession, remarking, “The whole reason I talked to Avon is because I wanted what you have.” Joan confronts the claim with a sweet, “It’s not what you think. I’ve been working there for fifteen years and they still treat me like a secretary.” Indeed, Joan’s inability to fire Scarlett, her effort over maintaining the time cards, and questioned status from Harry Crane makes her job look meager. Maybe it’s because how she got the partnership. However, it could just be since she’s a woman. Either way, Joan has a chip on her shoulder from her “achievement” and needs to do what she does best (buckle down and fight it out) in order to succeed.

4. Onward to Heinz. Project K is in the bag for the agency, right? Stan, Pete and Don are on a mission to secure the Heinz Ketchup account. They already have the beans, vinegar and sauces under their helm. After a secret meeting with Timmy (Kip Pardue) in Pete’s apartment, Project K is underway with Stan working from a closet that has windows are covered with tin foil. Stan works diligently (while smoking a little grass for the “cobwebs”). Soon, Project K is ready. Don gives the pitch with the tagline “Pass the Heinz” in an upscale hotel to Timmy and a sidekick. The absence of the ketchup bottle doesn’t please Timmy, thus Pete promises they’ll make one with the classic bottle as well. As the “Project K” crew meanders out of the room, they’re greeted with a few familiar, yet unexpected faces outside of the room. It’s Peggy. It’s Ted Chaough. And it’s some other guy from the rival agency. Softly, Peggy mutters a “hello.”  Next, Timmy’s partner ushers them into the room as Ted teases, “I hope you left us something.” Agitated, Pete and Stan head to the elevator, but Don stays to listen. What he hears is Peggy’s firm command of the pitch without any of Don’s support or guidance. Several months ago, Don ran into Peggy at a movie theater in “The Phantom” and he reminisced on their journey, “This is what happens when you help someone. They succeed and move on.” Indeed, Peggy’s her own person and she’s both struggled and flourished in a world where female copywriters are a rarity, so this moment is just another stepping stone for her. That moment in the theater was nostalgic, and it resonates with Peggy’s pitch, as Don puts his ear to the door to hear some well-known jargon. As Peggy commences, she testifies, “I always say, if you don’t like what they’re saying, change the conversation,” with the eventual tagline of “Heinz. The Only Ketchup.” Yes, catsup isn’t ketchup. It’s clever, Peggy. Timmy sure liked it. Don silently applauded her in the hallway. But, Timmy liked another agency more. And that’s when we see the first (and hopefully not last) aftermath of Peggy vs. Don at a bar close to the hotel. Stan’s pissed, since it’s his fault Peggy and Ted knew about the Heinz account in the first place. So, he casually flips off his “friend,” as the passive Ted orders himself a drink. Ken Cosgrove, who like Harry is somewhat displeased with his spot at SCDP, storms in to scold Pete, but they’ve already lost their portion of the Heinz account. Truly, what SCDP “held” in beans, vinegar, and sauces is no more.

Next week: More of Megan’s up-dos, Roger and Don wear tuxedos and drink (shocker), and Henry Francis (shucks!).

“Bombshell” has finally opened on Broadway and it is a glorious accomplishment for all parties involved – cast, writers, producers and faithful viewers. GIVE US SEASON THREE, at least so Katharine McPhee can play the part far more suited to her than Marilyn ever was: Daisy Buchanan in Julia’s upcoming stage adaptation of “The Great Gatsby.”

1. CAMEOS GALORE. The actual songwriters of all of the original music on “Smash,” Marc Shaiman and Scott Whitman (“Hairspray”), guest star as themselves at the premiere of “Bombshell,” prompting Anjelica Huston to double kiss them each as viewers cry “META!”

Additionally, Rosie O’Donnell is in the audience, because why not? She spills the beans to Debra Messing that Tom is in talks to direct a revival of “City of Angels,” which crushes Julia, because she and Tom just acquired rights for a musical of “The Great Gatsby.” And they bonded over Fitzgerald when they first met. And maybe Leo DiCaprio will reprise his titular role from the upcoming film that “Smash” ignored for legal reasons and make his Broadway debut! A recapper can dream.

But wait – there’s another Leo in town, and this one is not Jack from “Titanic.” No, Julia’s idea for “Gatsby” came from her son, Leo, who we all thought had been exiled from primetime television. Since season one, he’s grown a few inches taller and got a haircut, and he still can’t act. BEGONE LEO.

Last but not least, the one and only Bernadette Peters is back, playing Ivy’s mother Leigh Conroy playing Marilyn’s mother, and she’s there to give Ivy a classic non-pep talk, reminding her she has come so far, so “go show them” – eschewing any complimenting of her panicking daughter whose soul has been crushed by message boards calling her a chorus girl for life.

2. IVY LYNN STEALS THE SHOW. Luckily, Bernadette’s Mama Roseing does not get in the way of Ivy positively killing it and commanding the stage as Marilyn on opening night. Megan Hilty is luminous and, while we fast-forward through almost all the magnificent tunes, she knocks closing anthem “Don’t Forget Me” out of the park.

She might as well have been singing to the Emmy voters, because Meg has been a consistent triple threat, even when this show was prone to hate-watchers. (Any hate-watcher over the last few episodes should be crestfallen – because “Smash” has finally found its stride as an at-times-intentionally-comedic ode to the magic of musical theatre. Take that.)

3. A DUELING DUET. And in a crowd-pleasing turn of events, Karen and Ivy’s awkward bathroom run-in turns into a heart-to-heart about their mutual jealousy, and Kat McPhee puts aside her “Why wasn’t I Marilyn” whininess to DUET with Megan Hilty in a fabulous cover of Sinatra’s “That’s Life,” accompanied by Marc Shaiman! Megan’s voice is on a different level, but this rare duet actually highlighted them both as forces to be reckoned with. Yes, it’s a spontaneous performance at the “Bombshell” after-party, perfectly memorized and harmonized, but at one point, Ivy changes the lyrics to “Eileen Rand” on the fly, so all is forgiven.

In the bathroom, Ivy jokingly makes Karen promise not to do Broadway this season, but assures her that her time will come soon. Sooner than you think, Marilyn! Derek and Scott want to fast-track “Hit List” to Broadway, fulfilling the prophecy of a season finale at the Tony Awards: “Bombshell” vs. “Hit List.” Tom vs. Derek. And of course, Ivy vs. Karen. Who wants TEAM BOMBSHELL shirts? It’s the new Aniston/Jolie.

4. LADIES, LEAVE YOUR MEN AT HOME. Breakup city! Ivy and Derek have been sleeping around (ugh), but homegirl is slick enough to reject his proposal of public dating and brush him off when he requests a post-premiere booty call, since she’s figured out she was his backup after Karen went for Jimmy the Awful. Ever the sleazebag, Derek runs into that dancer who is suing him for sexual harassment and takes her home. You’re a star, Ivy. You go girl!

A hesitant “you go girl” to Karen Cartwright, who is off-again with effing Jimmy. We’ll see if it lasts (doubtful), but if you’ve actually cut ties, feminist snaps for you. Jimmy’s “sordid past” is now exposed – that creepy guy now dating Ahna is his brother, who got him hooked on drugs after his father abused him and ruined his life before Kyle the Angel said “Today 4 U, Tomorrow 4 Me” and saved him. Collective eye-roll to this cliché sob story. If you started afresh and aren’t a bad guy anymore, why are you always a moody jerk? When you were happy at the beginning of this episode, we didn’t like you any more. Karen calls it quits when he punches his brother against her pleas. Go brood in Brooklyn and get off my “Smash,” Jimmy the Awful.

And Eileen is so done with Richard Francis, against the wishes of PR queen Agnes, played original “Rent” Mimi, Daphne Rubin-Vega. Guess Kyle really is the aforementioned Angel…Dumott Schunard.

The only one who didn’t just come to say “Goodbye, Love” is Julia, who sucked face with Scott (original Tom Collins, okay that’s enough) in the back of a limo after he said she could write a “Gatsby” play without Tom’s songs, if he does “Angels” or just dumps her, because they’re like totally growing apart. Also Tom went home with Kyle, who was subtly confirmed as gay (kudos for the casual factor in his primetime “coming out”), but is still the creepiest bed partner Tom could ever have (save ELLIS, who did just that in a dream sequence last week). AHH GROSS TOM LEVITT SEX LIFE.

5. “WE’RE GONNA SWEEP THE TONYS. GET READY AGNES, WE’VE GOT A CAMPAIGN TO LAUNCH.” So says the incomparable Eileen Rand to Daphne Rubin-Vega. Ben Brantley of the New York Times gave “Bombshell” a rave like everyone else – except he called Tom’s direction “overblown” and diagnosed a disconnect between the formerly flawless twosome of Houston & Levitt. “It’s not true!” Julia and Tom cry. But it totally is – they’ve been having drama, and we don’t want no drama (no no drama). Okay, we do want drama, but the wedge between Julia and Tom is growing with his newfound love of directing. Agnes is wary of a big ad campaign in the face of this Brantley criticism, but as Julia says, he only loves you if you’re in the pages of Us Weekly (foreal, BB loves celebs on Broadway).

So, with her fierce can-do attitude, Eileen commands Agnes to double the funding and then bellows the above quote. It was a magical enough moment to cancel out the fact that Agnes told her to tell critic Richard she wasn’t wearing underwear earlier in the episode (just no).

When Anjelica Huston nonchalantly poured a bucket of ice onto Jimmy and brother during their battle of fisticuffs, they must have been cold. But it couldn’t compare to the chills this recapper got when Eileen proclaimed a “Bombshell” Tony triumph.

STANDING OVATION. 

1. Glue along the 6-inch side edges of the 6 x 7 inch rectangle of felt.

2. Fold down the top 7-inch edge about 1.5 inches. Press it down and smooth out the glued sides.

3. Fold up the bottom 7-inch edge about 2 inches, over lapping the other fold. Press it down and smooth out the glued sides.

4. Cut out a design from your different felt pieces, making the design pieces no larger than 2.5 x 2.5 inches. Try a simple flower design.

5. Glue your design together, and then glue it to the flat side of the pack.

6. Place your tissues inside the pack. Now, while blowing your nose like an elephant in class, you can show off your trendy tissue accessory.

Designed by: Tilden Bissell

Edgar Allan Poe

Greatly affected by the untimely deaths of both his mother and his wife, Edgar Allan Poe lived a remarkable yet strikingly dark life. Known as an exemplar of Victorian Gothic horror, his poem “The Raven” is ubiquitous in high school lit anthologies—you’re sure to have encountered its haunting rhymes before. Though there’s been a dispute as to whether Poe belongs to Philly or to Baltimore, we like to claim Poe as our own. To get inside Poe’s mind, visit the Edgar Allan Poe National Historic Site (532 N. 7th St.), where he lived during the six most productive years of his life, working as an editor of two monthly magazines and publishing over thirty works.

Ezra Pound

This Penn alumnus and former Quad resident led an eccentric and controversial life. A figure at the forefront of 1920s literary modernism, Pound headed to Europe several years after receiving his masters degree from Penn. He got involved with the fascist movement and was later accused of treason by the U.S. government. Some of his most renowned works include “The Cantos” and “Hugh Selwyn Mauberley.”

William Carlos Williams

This noteworthy Penn alumnus is the author of more than 40 volumes of poetry, short stories, novels and plays—all on the side of his day job as a doctor. During his time at Penn, he was a member of Mask and Wig, an arts editor for his medical school yearbook and a varsity fencer. Listed as “most versatile” in his yearbook, he was also known for shaping modern poetry through his use of imagery and his innovation in form. His poems “The Red Wheelbarrow” and “This is just to say” are well–known exemplars of the Imagist literary movement. Stop by the Kelly Writers House (3805 Locust Walk) to see a sampling of his poetry carved in the sidewalk.

Marianne Moore

This midcentury modernist was noted for her irony and wit. While attending Bryn Mawr College, Moore served as editor of the literary and cultural journal The Dial. She went on to publish various collections of poetry and criticism. Center City’s Rosenbach Museum and Library (2008 Delancey St.) holds the Marianne Moore Collection, featuring the complete intact contents of her former Greenwich village living room.

Sonia Sanchez

Philadelphia’s current and first poet laureate, an activist and an educator, Sanchez has authored over a dozen books of poetry in addition to plays and children’s books. Serving an influential role in the Black Arts Movement, Sanchez writes plays and books about the struggles and lives of black America. She is also known for her melding of musical forms like the blues with traditional poetic forms, like haiku and taka. In 2012, Philly’s Mural Arts Program collaborated with Sanchez to create a mural (1425 Christian St.) commemorating her public art project “Peace is a Haiku Song.”

To an AXO: I can say no.

To Tyga: The University of Pennsylvania might not be your biggest fan, but somewhere a school called Penn University loves you.

To the beautiful SDT sophomore I met at  Shabbat dinner: Shut up. You had me at Hillel.

To the house of girls that takes pregnancy tests together: If one of you tests positive are you going to keep it as a house pet?

To the ZBT boy that pooped while hooking up: Shit happens, right?

To people who hashtag real life: #go #fuck #yourself

To the girl who insists on calling us “humans” all the time, in any situation: Can you fuckin’ learn to speak like a human?

To the Royal Tennenbaum: The only sex position you know is the one where she’s having sex with someone else instead.

To the Wizard of Farts (wof): We missed your noxious mist while you were abroad. You may not be the wizard we need, but you’re the wizard we deserve.

To the admissions staff at Penn: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ACCEPTING ME I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

To the barista in Williams: Wanna roast my nuts?…Wow. That… that sounded a lot smoother in my head. Now that I wrote it, it’s obviously seriously disrespectful. My apologies. You’re beautiful.

To Chipotle:  Sorry my Ultra family stole your “start your career rolling” sign.  It was our first meal after three days in Miami.

To the Managers of Houston: It took you guys WAY too long to start serving chicken fingers.

To the guy who made a “your mama” joke on Facebook: Are you aware that there are people in this world that have a severe medical condition which causes them to be that way? My mother for instance is one of those people. She is a truck driver that has bad knees and a bad back from driving the truck, but you probably do not care about that case either. Oh well, I am not one of those people. I am 6’4”, 245lbs and I exercise every day. I would love to see you say something like that to my mother in front of me. Probably never happen though you are probably just an internet tough guy. I doubt very seriously you would say that to someone’s face. Just my thought. What do you think? Oh I am sorry you probably do not have a brain. I on the other hand I will be happy to buy you a plane ticket to come here and see if you have the nerve to say that to someone I know. (EDITOR’S NOTE: uhhhhhhhhh….)

To the cook at Houston Grill: Don’t judge me for eating chicken fingers twice in one day.

To the Chicken Fingers in Houston: I can’t quit you.

To the alcohol monitor that was drunk: No punchline.

To anyone I’ve made out with 2–5 times: WHY DO I RUN INTO YOU EVERYWHERE?

To my subletter: When you and your London boyfriend break up, I will gladly bring your Big Ben from six to midnight.

To the Asian girl with the half shaved head: Stop trying so hard, we get it you’re alternative.

To everyone on campus: No, I didn’t drink or do drugs during Fling. Yes, I still had more fun than you. (EDITOR’S NOTE: …nah. You didn’t.)

To the Freshman living in lower Quad who requested a walking escort to Houston: So you can stumble home drunk, alone and shoeless at 3 a.m., but you don’t feel safe walking to buy a bagel at 5 p.m.?

To the Ultimate Frisbee player I hooked up with during Fling: It was great talking about Jesus in between hickeys with you.

To my flask full of captains: You were worth more than the concert I had to throw you out at. R.I.P.

To the Elmo girls: None of the things that you are wearing are shirts.

To the transfer from New Orleans: Do you want to explore my French Quarter?

Yo Penn Cru: Nice try, but you guys are still homophobic.

To the Polish guy: No one cares if you are important in Poland. No one cares about Poland.

To Girl Talk: I’d rather listen to girls talk.

To Simply Chaos: At your last show someone literally did an airplane food joke. The 1990s called, they want their punch lines back.

To the girl who thought I was her only straight friend: Turns out you have no straight friends. Sorry about that.

To the AXO who peed off the fire escape at A’s: You brought a whole new meaning to the word “April showers.”

To the senior rower: Your coach should be proud of how well you’ve mastered the art of the quick finish.

To Sammy: Your house is a mess, call Consuela.

To my parents: I’m sorry for drunk calling you on Saturday crying about my lost sunglasses… on your anniversary.

To the girl with her head in the McDonald’s trash can Fling Saturday: Did it smell as desperate as it felt?

To the freshman trying to crowd surf in the quad despite the fact that there was no crowd: You taught me that I don’t need other people to have fun.

Dear HamCo: Why are you still such a dump when there are so many construction workers roaming your dismal courtyard?

To Diet Pepsi: How does it feel to be Diet Coke’s bitch?

To all my students: I was born in England, raised in Israel and my parents are from South Africa. Now you can stop trying to figure out my accent and start studying for the final. Cheers! Dr. Stein

To the junior in Pikapp who texted me in Spanish: Nosotros somos finitos.

To the girl who was eating a Greek Lady gyro on the dance floor of a Beta fling party: You’re my gyro.

To the weight–conscious women: You’re beautiful the way you are. Love, The Nice Jewish Boys.

To Carriage: Every senior society on campus is already gays and their allies. What are you bringing to the table?

To my Jimmy John’s crush: It takes less time for you to deliver my sandwich than to make a move.

To the one they call “needledick”: They call me “pinhole vagina”

To senior design: Thank you for assuring me that finance was the right career choice.

To Bursar: I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

To a certain Theta: Third nose job is the charm?

To Amy Gutmann: Thank you for shaming SPEC by bringing a better performer than they ever could. Looking forward to getting rowdy with John Legend. You rock, A–Gut.

Founded in 2006, the Philly Youth Poetry Movement provides Philadelphia teenagers mentorship  and education in spoken word poetry. PYPM hosts regular workshops and open mic nights, and the program has produced a number of renowned poets: many PYPM alumni have competed in Brave New Voices, a national slam poetry competition televised by HBO. Penn’s own Joshua Bennett, a College ’10 graduate and former member of the Excelano Project, worked with the organization and now performs his poetry around the U.S.

Get Involved: Attend an open mic night or slam competition—find event listings at pypm215.org.

— Ben Behrend

AMERICAN POETRY REVIEW

The American Poetry Review is a literary magazine dedicated to presenting a diverse array of the best contemporary poetry and literary prose from around the country. Based and founded in Philadelphia in 1972, APR is one of the most widely circulated poetry magazines in the U.S. APR has published over 1,500 writers, including 9 Nobel Prize laureates and 33 Pulitzer Prize winners.

Get Involved: Pick up a copy of the magazine at any local bookstore.

— Ben Behrend

APIARY MAGAZINE

This up–and–coming lit mag released its first issue in September 2010. Focused on promoting the literary arts in Philly, the all–volunteer organization accepts submissions from anyone capable of forming sentences—Apiary has published  prominent Philadelphia poets and six–year–olds. Apiary’s issues are available for free at cafes, bookstores and arts organizations around the city.

Get Involved: Submit your creative writing or visual art at apiarymagazine.com.

— Madeleine Wattenbarger

2. Hopping on the bus/train/plane home to cuddle with your dog until you forget that exams exist. Your mom’s cooking may be sweet, but your report card over the summer will be pretty bitter.

3. Finally deciding to watch “Game of Thrones.” Tackle the first two seasons in a caffeine-induced daze. Spoiler alert: you’ll sleep through Orgo and oops, there goes pre-med.

4. Trying all those drugs your friend can’t stop raving about post-Fling.

5. Breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. Save your tears for late-night cramming.

6. In a moment of defiance, leainge Van Pelt to finally explore what Philadelphia has to offer beyond 41st Street. Two a.m. on a Tuesday is not the time for a newfound sense of “adventure.”

7. Dirty rushing Penn ’17-ers. Just take writing seminar with ‘em if you really want to get to know them later.

8. Drunk dialing your TA. He/She probably won’t give you an A if you beg for the answers the night before. If it’s a booty call though…

9. Finally starting to read the book. It’s too late, kiddo—try the internet instead. If there aren’t SparkNotes, paying for the “BookRag” might be worth it?

10.   Deciding, in a panic, to wing it. Unless that class has an elusive .4 or lower difficulty rating on Penn Course Review, it. won’t. work.

EDITORS’ CHOICE
BIG MAC EATEN OFF GIRL’S TITTIES
The story of the year. We wish we could provide you with some context, but we have no idea why/how this happened.

BEST REPEAT OFFENDER
THE SOIREE URINATOR
This shameless sorority girl neglected a proper toilet at Theos Soiree two years in a row. Third time’s the charm? 

BEST SPRING BREAK STORY
NIPPLES LEAVE BEHIND ONE OF THEIR OWN
The freshman hall that spring breaks together stays together… that is, until one of them is detained in a foreign country. SB’13 forever!

BEST OFF–CAMPUS DRAMA
APES BUYS 4K PINE
The mansion at 4000 Pine has belonged to the Owls Society for over two decades. Then APES was like, “fuck it.”

BEST HALLOWEEN STORY
RODIN ELEVATOR GHOST
Remember when a disembodied voice was haunting one Rodin elevator? Either maintenance was playing a huge joke or Ms. Rodin herself has returned.

BEST HURRICANE SANDY STORY
THE SEANCE FOR HEATH LEDGER
WE MISS YOU HEATH.

MOST EMBARRASSING BRO MOMENT
THE ZBT POOPER
Poor kid. He was just trying to get it in. But then he let it all out… all over the floor. Shit happens.

BIGGEST FUCK–UP
SPEC RUINS FLING CONCERT
Is there no Justice in the world? Enough said. We’ll never get over this.

HONORABLE MENTION
BEST OVERHEARD
Starbucks Employee: I’ve got a grande ice water for Mary!

To the Tier Four Fraternities: Must be nice up there.  Love, Castle.

To the bouncer at Rumor: Yeah, like anyone is over 21 here.

To the kid in my negotiations class who offered to trade me a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese for my yarmulke: Use your noodle.

To Chi O: More like Jai Ho!

To everyone with an equals sign as their profile picture: Stop mixing math and social activism.

To the SDT girls going vegan to lose weight: Please stop: your leggings will fall down.

To all Pottruckers: Am I the only one deeply disturbed by the naked old ladies that roam the women’s lockers?

To that guy that tried to finger me during NSO: Not surprised you were cut from A’s.

To those pre–frosh who constantly posted on the Facebook groups: Are you embarrassed now?

To My Virginity: So long, and thanks for all the stress and masturbation.

To those protesting Tyga: It’s good to know that, in a world full of injustices, it was a rapper’s lyrics about tits that put you over the edge.

To the gingers on campus: Why do you ALL wear orange?

To the TEP boy who plays basketball: I think you joined the wrong frat.

To the Pikapp pledge who hooked up with my 14–year–old sister: Prom 2016?

To the rich co–eds who paint their faces and pretend to be bohemian: Your privilege is showing.

To everyone who thinks they’re a DJ: You’re not.

To everyone covered in powder two weeks ago: You don’t fucking get me. –Holi

To Cashmere Sweater Comedy: I’ll Venmo you both a dollar if you put this in shoutouts. (EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re cheap.)

To the kid who kept me from climbing that forklift during fling: Thank you.

To all the girls standing in line at Sweetgreen on fling Sunday: That salad won’t undo the double order of fried Oreos and 20 shots you took this weekend.

To Simply Chaos: We don’t get it.

To the vegan girl who ruins all of our events trying to force everyone else to be healthy like you and love the earth: Just try bacon… just try it once, just to see how it feels…

To the sig–delt S.W.U.G.S: So When U Gettin Some??

To the Jew in Onda Latina: You’re an orthoFOX

To Hampton the chow chow: You are the only cute boy on this campus.

To Penn Admirers, Penn Compliments, Penn Secrets, Penn Hearts, Penn Stories, Penn Guy, Penn Socialize, Penn Crushes, etc.: This isn’t penntertaining anymore.

To the Oztitutes: I hope your Oz beaus have the money to buy you some self–respect.

To the guy next door who apologized for any noises we hear coming from his bedroom: We’ve heard nothing. Ever.

To my friend who woke up in an RV last Fling with a turkey baster in his hand: Did you artificially inseminate anyone with it?

To the hot blonde in my Linguistics recitation: Will you help me turn my alveolar ‘d’ into a bilabial ejective?

To the girl who complimented me on “opening up my stride” as I sprinted down Walnut at 2 a.m.: Thanks coach, let’s hit the showers?

CHECK BACK AT 2:00 FOR THE FINAL ROUND OF SHOUTOUTS 

Grade: A
Sounds best when: You’re about to go apehit a lá Jack Nicholson in The Shining and you need a soundtrack for your murder spree.
99-Cent Download: “Butterfly, How Long it Takes to Die”

To the manager of Williams Cafe: I like you just like my coffee—tall, steaming hot and full of cream.

To the freshman boy who tried to get with me this Fling: You had a booger in your nose, so you can blow yourself.

To the Theos boy who probably wrote most of these cruel Shoutouts: Do you realize how much time you’re wasting writing this? You could be out right now making yourself socially relevant!

To myself: You’re hot (sorry I needed an ego boost).

To the King of Fisherman: You no longer have me hooked. You of all people should have known that catch and release doesn’t yield the greatest net gain. Don’t bother throwing out another line. You’ll never reel me back in ‘cause that boat has sailed… (EDITOR’S NOTE: This Shoutout seems a little fishy).

To Greek Lady tzatziki sauce: Are you sour cream? Be honest.

To Debbie at Magic Carpet: Sometimes I think I love you more than my own mother.

To my poor aching lady parts: Maybe I shouldn’t have fit four years worth of college experiences into my last semester.

To the Adam Levine look–alike bartender at Smoke’s: This love is taking its toll on me.

To the APES sophomores: When I see you talking to girls in my sorority, I just want to laugh thinking about how you all were skinny virgins in high school.

To the Perelmans: Surely there must be a couple ‘mil in there somewhere to tackle the scourge of early–onset baldness that’s been plaguing Penn men, right?

To my ex–bf: Dishing out for Valentine’s Day dinner doesn’t make you any less Jewish.

To my creepy roommate: I know where you sleep.

To the blackout idiot who took a leak on my radiator and then climbed back into bed with me: You really know how to piss me off.

To the sushi station Houston workers: Nothing excites me quite like the way you yell “spicy bowl.”

To my senior boyfriend who I always freak out by talking about babies and marriage: Marry me?

To the senior girl who told a cop during fling, “Unless there is a law against being 21 in a dinosaur costume while in ZBT’s bushes you better leave me alone”: You are dino–mite.

To all the gays in Elmo: Look, I know you make out with girls. Just tell me where to sign up.

To my housemate: Okay, fine, don’t break up with him—but TELL HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM OUR CHOBANI.

To The Latina Friar: Please disconnect your Foursquare from your Twitter. We already know you’re at Smokes.

To everyone who went abroad second semester: You’ll miss seeing this shoutout, just like you’ve missed everything else.

To Greek Lady tzatziki sauce: Are you just sour cream? Be honest.

To APES: Your off–campus status will last about as long as you do in bed.

To the girl who left her shit–stained underwear in my room: Stop asking me why I won’t text you back.

To Kweder: I hope your documentary is as good as my Tuesday nights.

To Girl Talk, Tyga and Janelle Monae: I went to the concert and still have no idea who you are.

To my roommate who jerks off when he thinks I’m asleep: It’s hard to sleep to the noise of UFC reruns.

To Allegro’s: This isn’t Student Health. You can’t just set your own hours.

To the girl wearing an all–denim ensemble to Penn Previews: You’re not going to fit in. But it’s going to be okay.

To the football player who pours beer on girls that deny him: It doesn’t take a Guinness to know that your Yuengling is a stout.

To the Smoke’s bouncer who bends my New York ID & rubs his fingers across the chalky interior every single fucking time: We get it. You learned a new card trick. Can I get in already?

To everyone who got arrested at Theos: Sucks to be so scene–y, huh?

To front–row girl in Human Rights: Sending the professor extra homework for the class violates OUR human rights!

To the gorgeous EIC of 34th Street: I’d totally edit all your sections… Backpage included.

To senior thesis writers: Too bad senior year only happens once.

To the DP: Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.

To the Walk: I don’t hate you because you’re fat—you’re fat because I hate you.

To the impotent guy from Friday: Eat pumpkin seeds.

To the creepy contemporary poet who accidentally came in my ear and tried to clean it out for me: Dunno what’s more rancid—your disrespect for women or the crusty cum in my cochlea.

To the lovely, innocent, perfect, green balloon that my boyfriend pried out of my arms at the Fling concert: I miss you. I’m sorry.

To Disney A Capella: You do know that you sound like you are meowing right?

To the Vagina Monologues: Let’s not put all the black girls in one monologue…

To the Tier One Fraternities: Must be nice up there.  Love, Castle.

To the Tier Two Fraternities: Must be nice up there.  Love, Castle.

CHECK BACK AT NOON FOR THE NEXT BATCH OF SHOUTOUTS!

Grade: A–
Sounds best when: Lying down on the rooftop in the hot sun.
99-Cent Download: “These Paths”

In the middle of the field, two teams of white, toddler-sized humanoid robots are playing a game. This is Penn’s robot soccer team – the UPennalizers – versus the Australian team rUNSWift at the RoboCup International Quarterfinals in Mexico City.

With a minute left on the clock, rUNSWift is leading 8-0. At this point the Penn guys are pushing to make at least a single goal.

Junior Dickens He, one of the human members of the UPennalizers, has been on the edge of his seat since half time. For Dickens and his colleagues—ten Penn grads and undergrads who have spent hundreds of hours programming the two–foot–tall bots, teaching them to see, to walk, to kick—this is it. This is the moment.

“Go! Go! Go!” Dickens is shouting. Pockets, one of the Penn bots, manages to steal the ball and kicks it toward his teammate, Tink. The pass fails, but the ball makes it into the rUNSWift goal box. “AHHH!” Dickens tugs at his hair.

The rUNSWift defenders jump into action, but they get a bit confused. One of them ends up kicking the ball closer to his own goal post, but the ball teeters on the goal alone. “Ohhh!” Dickens shouts. So. Close.

There’s just a few seconds left on the clock and the rUNSWift goalie, who is standing right next to the ball, can’t see it because his shoulder pad is blocking his camera. Pockets ambles over, but then he loses track of the ball because the goalie is blocking his view.

“Five. Four. Three. Two.” At this point everyone is laughing. “ONE!”

That game was last July.

The UPennalizers have been training ever since. With the US Open coming up this Saturday, they’re looking leaner and meaner than ever before.

***

RoboCup is an international competition with one lofty goal: to develop a humanoid robot soccer team that can compete in the World Cup against real, human players by 2050. The robot players are completely autonomous. There’s no one standing in the sidelines with a remote control. Once the robots are on the field, they have to fend for themselves.

The human members of the Penn’s RoboCup team are undergraduate and graduate researchers at the GRASP robotics lab. Penn competes in two robosoccer leagues. The UPennalizers (mostly undergrads) participate in the Standard Platform league. Every team in this league uses the same hardware: little white NAO robots developed by the French company Aldebaran. On the other hand, Team DARwin (mostly grad students) participates in the Kid–Sized Humanoid league. They have to develop their own hardware, meaning they have to build their robots from scratch. DARwin is the name of the robot they use—it stands for Dynamic Anthropomorphic Robot with Intelligence, and it was developed in collaboration with Virginia Tech, Purdue University and the Korean robot manufacturer ROBOTIS. (And while the UPennalizers didn’t have their best run, Team DARwin actually won first place in Mexico City.)

But hardware is only one part of the equation. Without the right software, these robots are just empty shells, inanimate bodies. The students, with the help of Electrical and Systems Engineering Professor Dan Lee, have developed a set of algorithms that tell the robots how to behave: how to see, walk, kick and play soccer. They load these algorithms onto the robots’ Central Processing Units (their brains), and bring them alive.

The problem is, it’s not that easy getting a robot to play soccer. Actually, it’s really, really difficult.

“We don’t understand the brain,” says Dan Lee. Our optic nerves transmit thousands of electrical signals to our cranium, and “from this somehow we are reasoning about other people and other objects in our environment.” Roboticists who work on artificial intelligence are trying to recreate parts of that process in machines.

Even really good AI can easily fail. Before the international competition last year, the UPennalizers had come up with some tricky new ways to beat the competition. But their robots depended on WiFi to communicate with each other and figure out where they were. And as it happened, the WiFi signal at the Mexico City stadium wasn’t very good.

Ironically, Lee says, “Robots are good at doing the things that humans have to go to school for.” Way back in 1997, IBM’s Deep Blue famously beat world champion Garry Kasparov at chess. And a couple years ago, the same company’s robot Watson won a game of Jeopardy against expert human players.

“The tasks they’re not good at are the things we take for granted,” Lee says. “Just being able to run and kick a ball—that’s really hard for a robot.”

***

    Back at Penn’s General Robotics, Automation, Sensing and Perception (GRASP) Lab, it’s the Thursday of Spring Fling, but the RoboCup team is busy prepping for the US Open. Freshmen Sarah Deen and Alan Aquino are trying to smooth out a kink in Pockets’ walk algorithm. It looks like a hardware problem. “The connection between the head and the body is not tight enough,” Dickens says. Pockets shakes and spasms. “Yeah, I’m going to kill Pockets,” Alan says. He lifts Pockets up and pushes the power button on the robot’s chest with his thumbs. “Man, it really is like suffocating someone. It’s so creepy!”

    Meanwhile, Tatenda Mushonga, a mechanical engineering junior who joined the team last semester, has his laptop hooked up to one of the NAO’s brains via Ethernet cable. The problem is, they’re having a bit of trouble connecting. Masters student Yida Zhang is trying to help. “I have no idea what is going on with your system right now,” he says. “I don’t know man—when the robot rejects you…”

    Dickens comes over. “What’s wrong?”

    “Robots don’t like him!” Yida says. Tatenda starts cracking up.

    One of the reasons that roboticists are investing in humanoid robots is that, according to Aditya Sreekumar, the Robotics masters student who’s leading the DARwin team this year, “People find it easier to interact with robots that have human features. A lot of our teammates have robots that they like more,” he says. “Steve really likes Betty. My favorite is Linus.”

    All the robots, including  the NAOs and the DARwins, have names. Additionally, they’re all pretty damn cute. The NAOs kind of look like monochrome, baby versions of Megaman. The dark gray DARwins are decidedly dopier. They’re shorter than the NAOs, with tinier heads and huge circular eyes. When they walk they look like they’re slouching over.

    But there’s a bigger, more important reason that humanoids are important: our world is built for humans, and if we want to incorporate robots into our daily lives, humanoids are the way to go. “You can’t expect a wheeled robot to climb up a ladder, or climb up stairs,” Aditya says.

After switching out Pocket for another bot named Rufio, Sarah and Alan are having success. Rufio stands up, and his eyes light up green. He immediately spots the little red ball lying near him, then starts walking toward it. “Attack,” he says in a tiny, mechanical voice (this behavior, team members note, is not as cute when it’s late at night).

“Rufio is always the best, right?” Dickens says. “Good old Rufio!” Alan agrees.

    “Alright guys!” Dickens addresses the team. They plan for their next practice. “How about Sunday?” he says. “I don’t know how much you guys do Spring Fling,” he says. Everyone starts laughing.  “But I don’t want to have anyone here on Saturday. I don’t want to be the asshole.”

***

A week before the US Open, Robotics PhD Steve McGill, a many-time RoboCup veteran, is passing his torch down to the DARwin newbies. He’s not as involved with RoboCup anymore, but he still offers the team a lot of help and advice. “Each team member has got to have a role,” Steve coaches them. “You need one guy at the laptop, one guy has to be the handler.” Steve turns to Aditya Sreekumar, who’ll be leading Team DARwin this year, and grabs him by the shoulders. “You. You just try to relax and have fun.”

    Now it’s Aditya’s turn to address everyone, “One thing is—during the match, don’t get tensed for any reason. Batteries die. Things go wrong. It’ll be ok.” Everyone’s got to stay focused.

But the US Open isn’t as high pressure as the international competition. And more than anything, both competitions serve as a learning experience. At Penn, says Lee, “one of our objectives is to use this as a platform for teaching.” RoboCup is a way to introduce the big, core problems in robotics to undergrads. Before Lee joined the Penn faculty in 2001, there was a small RoboCup team, but it was limited to graduate students. Lee wanted to get younger students involved.

To get the team started, Lee wrote some of the core code for the robots, but he left it up to the students to perfect and innovate. “To have a freshman come in and do this from scratch is kind of impossible,” Lee says.

Mushonga sees RoboCup as a way to get a taste for the field of robotics. “It’s something I’ve been considering going into,” he says. “So far I seem to like it.”

Even Aditya, who now leads the team, says, “RoboCup was my first introduction to Linux programming.” Now Aditya is working on a bunch of other, bigger robotics projects at the GRASP lab.

    Even before they learn to change and improve the robots’ software, students can learn a lot from reading and understanding the existing codebase. “Everyday I learn something new about how the code works,” says Samarth Brahmbhatt, a robotics masters student who happens to do this kind of stuff regularly for class. “Personally, I feel like I know just the tip of the iceberg.” It takes a ton of code to get a robot acting and thinking like a soccer star.

    Really, RoboCup was started as a challenge for the research community. During a game, soccer–bots have to face three basic challenges: locomotion, object–recognition and localization. In other words, they have to be able to walk and kick straight, they have to be able see stuff, and they have to figure out where on the field they are. “When you look at robotics in general,” Aditya says, “These are the three biggest challenges.”

Now that they are well established, the UPennalizers have even made their code open source. Any engineering department that wants to start its own RoboCup team can find Penn’s code base online and use it as a starting point. Especially considering that many of their competitor teams consist exclusively of robotics PhD students, Penn’s done really well at the competitions. But the emphasis is always on learning.

    Will they get good enough to play against human pros by 2050? “2050 is a really long time from now,” Steve says, smiling. “So sure. Shoot for the moon.”

    Aditya’s more optimistic: “Yeah, probably.”

There are a lot of limitations to overcome first. There needs to be a battery powerful enough to last through a game (the batteries on the DARwins rarely last more than 10 minutes), and there needs to be a CPU powerful enough to process very sophisticated algorithms, but small enough to fit inside the bot. If it happens, Lee says, it’ll be transformative. Not that we’ll go around replacing human soccer players with robots. But any bot that’s good at playing soccer could probably be good at doing other, more badass stuff as well.

    Lee’s students in the GRASP lab are currently working on a US Navy–funded project to build autonomous robots that can fight fires on ships. “Robots are a very good replacement for activities that are dangerous for humans,” Aditya says.

***

    It’s NAOs versus DARwins in Levine Hall’s room 502. Rufio versus Linus.

Rufio starts off bewilderedly looking around the field—but then. “Oh! He sees the ball! He sees it,” Dickens says. Rufio starts charging. On the DARwin side, Linus is on it as well.

    “Kick it, kick it!” Aditya cheers Linus on. Too late. Rufio kicks it toward the goal, and Linus, who is half a foot shorter and looks like Rufio’s baby brother, falls over backward. Then, he gets a bit confused and starts kicking toward his own goal. “No, no no!”

    Aditya sets the ball center field, and the bots square off again. Rufio walks over to his goal post. “He’s trying to find a star position on the court,” Dickens says. “Look at that—what good localization!”

    Rufio spots the ball, he charges, aaaaaaaaand he kicks!

From last year’s US OPen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l3bnOg4Twg

From the Mexico 2012 Tournament:

 

At the GRASP Lab:

Penn’s video:

Grade: A–
Sounds best when:  Driving around aimlessly blasting the stereo.
99-Cent Download: “Save Rock and Roll”

Hometown: Chapel Hill, NC

Major: Theatre Arts

Website: http://saraouting.carbonmade.com, http://cardboardcollector.tumblr.com

STREET: You have such a wide range of talents and interests. Tell us about them.

Sara Outing: My plans are hopelessly scattered, but I’m always working towards becoming a scenic designer for the theatre. I work on play sets at Penn from time to time, with a couple off–campus gigs here and there. I do a lot of play reading, drawing, designing, meeting with directors, building and installing scenery—all steps to help imagine and realize the physical setting for a play. My next biggest obsession is puppetry. It’s just for fun, but my end goal is to take some puppets out busking on 2nd Street and earn a bit of pocket change. I also dabble aimlessly in social dance, graphic design, digital illustration and music, and I make frequent attempts at things like woodworking and sewing. It is a lot to juggle, and each interest tends to be a distraction from the all others.

STREET: How did you first get involved in all of this? 

SO: I grew up in the arts: shuttling back and forth between dance classes and music lessons, drawing chapter-book characters in my sketchbook, littering my room with cut–up paper and constantly peeling Elmers glue off my arms. Theatre didn’t come into the picture until high school, when I decided that acting classes would cure my social anxieties and ended up playing ‘Secretary #3’ type parts in a lot of plays and musicals. I was reading a lot of plays, seeing a lot of shows, and slowly becoming fascinated with some of the famous scripts and characters of American drama. Moving into college, I found myself trying to choose between the Fine Arts and Theatre Arts degrees, and realized that pursuing theatre technology would land me right in the middle of the things I love: craft, which was part of my life since childhood, and theory, which felt meaningful, important and smart.

STREET: So how did you get into puppetry?

SO: The puppetry thing kind of popped up out of the blue. Sophomore year I needed a work–study job and came across Spiral Q Puppet Theatre, which has got to be one of the greatest things in Philly. Ever. Period. The next summer I worked at Paperhand Puppet Intervention back home—and again last summer, and I’ll be there again after graduation. I fell in love with the community as much as with the craft; it’s full of down–to–earth people who truly believe in art as a mechanism of social change. Also, puppeteers across the board have GREAT taste in music, and usually have a kind of wacky sense of humor.

STREET: How do you conceptualize a theater set?  Walk us through your process.

SO: Most realistic scripts are full of clues about what should be in the set. The very best production designs, though, are really picky about what the audience and actors need on the stage to turn words on a page into a breathing, believable story. Sometimes the director will come in knowing exactly what the ground plan should look like, because sometimes the action of the play depends on how the space is laid out; whereas, in other scripts, there might not be much stuff on the stage at all. That can be a chance to do detective work (we’re in ‘a living room,’ but whose, and when?) or a chance to depart from realism and worry more about color, form, and symbolism.

STREET: So does planning and drafting play a crucial role in your creations? 

SO: Yes! That’s the most important part of the job. And the hardest, and the most time–consuming, and the most fun. A set of rough sketches might be enough to go off of for some shows, but sometimes they aren’t, and then there are five million ways of visualization to choose from. I’ve been trying to get myself working more from abstract painting, because otherwise, I tend to get bogged down in detail. Miniature scale models are wonderfully self–indulgent, for the same reason.

STREET: What different types of materials do you use in stage constructions?

SO: All–wooden–everything—with some fabric thrown in to make things lighter. In the real–life industry, there’s apparently a good deal of metal, but college theatre isn’t so big on welding.

STREET: How about in your puppets?

SO: The rule is to be as un–fancy as possible. I’ve found that cardboard, papier-mâché and hot glue will come through no matter what, but found–objects and dumpster scraps can sometimes be the icing on the cake. For example, I’ve heard that the swivel part in a Swiffer mop makes an amazing neck joint (this is what puppeteers chat about over coffee!). There’s also a high-art, European version of puppetry that I admire, but I mostly enjoy seeing cheap, useless, everyday objects take on a new life as recycled elements in a design.

STREET: If you were to design a set for your life, what would it look like?

SO: Actually, my bedroom would make a pretty spot–on representation of me. It’s a clutter of found objects with layers of colorful flyers acting as wallpaper, and there’s a lot of paint-splattered worktable nonsense lying around.

STREET: So does theater serve as the perfect outlet to combine all your interests?

SO: It’s an ideal mash–up of my interests and it makes a perfect challenge for my growth as a craftsperson. Scenic design work keeps me drawing, planning, painting, building, and constantly seeing amazing theatre in Philly.

STREET: Where do you see your talents taking you in the future?

SO: There’s a lot left for me to learn in set design, and many more other crafts I want to try in the meantime. I’d like to keep growing and improving as a craftsperson for as long as I can. That means keeping up my hobbies—all of them—by freelancing whenever I can, and following the theatre job market wherever it wants me to go. There are some short–term plans for work after graduation, but as long as I can find a woodshop and an audience somewhere nearby, I don’t much mind where the next few years go.

Our Grade: B+

Rating and Runtime: PG-13, 128 min.

Metacritic: 63%

See if you liked: “Moneyball”

Despite its having been marketed as a small–time crime drama, the film is actually a sprawling, slow–burning essay on fatherhood. The bank robberies and high–speed getaways take backseat to truly beautiful, surprisingly chaste interactions between Gosling and his female counterpart, Eva Mendes. At over two hours, “The Place Beyond the Pines” is a bit of a long, slow haul, but one that ultimately pays off.

Our Grade: A

Rating and Runtime: R, 140 min.

Metacritic: 66%

See if you liked: “The Wrestler”

When was the last time you saw an unpredictable film in theaters? A movie that wasn’t a sequel, or shoot–em–up action thriller, or an adaptation of a comic book? Actually, when was the last time you even went to the movie theater? If it’s been awhile, you don’t need to be a cinephile to know why: the films coming from the studios lately have been pretty appalling.

Thus far in 2013 the box office’s number one is “Oz the Great and Powerful”—a movie that got panned by critics and earned a mere 44 out of 100 on Metacritic. Number two from this past weekend’s box office is “Scary Movie 5,” which earned a dismal 5% score from Rotten Tomatoes.

In the next eight months you can expect to see over 30 sequels and reboots coming from Hollywood. That includes Fast and Furious 6 and Paranormal Activity 5. Hardly inspiring stuff. So what gives?

The Problem

In Hollywood today, there’s almost no room for failure. The movies that are made have astronomical budgets, so they need to have a high  likelihood of box office success, too. The studios have come up with what cinema studies professor Timothy Corrigan calls a “dull, repetitive formula” for these commercial winners. That means blockbusters and sequels with big name stars and huge special effects to tap into an established audience. And after the theater run, don’t forget about the franchise of video games, action figures, clothing and junk food endorsements.

“It’s all about limiting risk,” says Heather Steinman, co–president of Undergraduate Media and Entertainment Club, “[Hollywood wants] to get a four-quadrant audience—that’s male, female, old and young. It’s the only way you’re going to get a film made today.”

Break The Mold

Even if this year’s Hollywood blockbusters have disappointed, quality cinema is still at your fingertips—SPEC Film Society provides preview screenings of new releases on a monthly basis. Meg Schneider, co–director of Film Society, says that they select movies to show based on what campus will like the most, and comedies have proven most popular.

For those with more art–house tastes, the International House is constantly screening foreign films. And if that’s not enough, the nearby Ritz theaters offer art cinema alternatives to the mainstream blockbusters at the Rave.

For buzzy new premieres, nothing can replace a festival experience—check out the fall Philadelphia Film Festival or the Tribeca Film Festival, only a train ride away. Plus, Penn is the only university with a program that brings students to the famed Cannes Film Festival.

Maybe the most compelling films won’t be coming out in theaters anymore, but if you work a little harder you can still find them— they’re just a click away on Netflix or down the red carpet at Cannes.

Tim Corrigan – cinema studies professor

Best movies of the year: “Life of Pi,” “Anna Karenina”

Looks so bad I’d never see it: “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”

Movie that I’m looking forward to: “To The Wonder” (directed by Terrence Malick)

Throwback I wish would comeback: Screwball comedies of Katherine Hepburn and films with sassy, smart fast-talking women.

My recommendation: Take a Cinema Studies course!

Meta Mazaj – cinema studies professor

Best movies of the year: “Holy Motors,” “Amour,” “Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Looks so bad I’d never see it: “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”

Movie that I’m looking forward to: There’s lots, but it’s not coming out of Hollywood, it’s not in the mainstream. I’ve kind of given up hope.

Throwback I wish would comeback: For art cinema to be in the mainstream the way it was in the ‘60s and ‘70s.

My recommendation: Use Netflix and web streaming

Heather Steinman – president, undergraduate media & entertainment club

Best movie of the year: “Celeste & Jesse Forever”

Looks so bad I’d never see it: “Battleship”

Movie that I’m looking forward to: “Monsters University”

Throwback I wish would comeback: Romantic comedies

My recommendation: Find a film that you like, look at that director, then look at everything else that s/he’s done.

Meg Schneider– Co–director, SPEC film society

Best movie of the year: “Pitch Perfect”

Looks so bad I’d never see it: “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters”

Movie that I’m looking forward to: “Star Trek Into Darkness”

Throwback I wish would comeback: Psychological thrillers

My recommendation: Watch documentaries

“We had been hanging out and she went to a different school, so we stayed up all night talking to each other and I didn’t make a move and she asked me if I was going to make a move. And—”

“You didn’t even kiss?” I interrupt.

“No,” he replies. “And then I said I was a virgin and she got weird about it and said she didn’t want to do anything then… But she was wanting to do something before I said it so it was like, clearly a weird thing.” Rob* later lost his virginity during the first semester of his junior year. He was 20 and felt as if no one was interested in him.

“If you’re a virgin at a certain age it’s almost embarrassing, and then you develop anxiety about performance issues, and,” Rob hesitates, “and it’s that desire to be honest with someone. I wouldn’t want to pretend to be not a virgin, then have sex with someone and then reveal it.”

Rob is right in feeling like an outlier. The Kinsey Institute places the national average for males to lose their virginities at around sixteen years of age (about seventeen for females). By nineteen, 69% of males claim to have had sexual intercourse. In our co–ed college culture of raves and Round–Ups, where are the virgins?

When Blair* revealed to a random guy she took home from Blarney that she was a virgin, he abruptly left, telling her it was better they not “hook up.” A friend advised her, “‘You’re not supposed to tell people that [you’re a virgin]. It’s embarrassing and you are supposed to feel embarrassed.’”

Both Blair and Rob expressed anxiety surrounding their virginities. The tension between a desire to be honest and another to hide was confusing, Blair explained. She confided in me that prior to her friend’s advice, “I wasn’t a victim as a virgin, but I very much felt that way.” Later she elaborated, “It felt like this identity that everyone was giving to me so I felt okay sharing that with people in a way.” Her friend’s comment changed her desire to share her sexual status, but under the imposition of abstinence, she experienced conflict between no longer wanting to be a virgin and wanting to cherish her “purity.”

She couldn’t just lose it to anyone, could she?

As a male, Rob’s anxieties took on the same tone and similar language, but there was another component at play. Rob noted, “When you’re not dating someone, and I wasn’t hooking up with people, people would assume that, like, my friends and I were… gay… for someone to imply your sexuality based on an absence of sexuality is problematic.”

The easiest place to find virgins at Penn is in religious groups. There, the anxieties of virginity meet religious conviction. Identity, entangled in questions of faith and practice, serves as a source of individual inquiry and guides these students’ sexualities. Alongside peers, assumptions about those who choose abstinence fall away and real college students navigating the same confusing curricula come alive. Unfortunately, the sample of students who responded to interview requests was limited both in number and in diversity. Everyone expressed fears about speaking for his or her community as a whole, insisting that each experience is unique.

My inquiry into religious abstinence began with Rabbi Josh Bolton at Hillel. He explained the Jewish principle, shomer negiah, which isn’t as much about abstaining from sex — it literally translates to “guarding the touch.” This “elevation of holiness of ‘the touch’” manifests itself primarily in the Orthodox Community at Penn (OCP) by males and females not having sex, kissing, hugging or even high–fiving or shaking hands.

Rivka* describes her practice of shomer negiah as a struggle where she “everyday must reaffirm her decisions.” She is “shomer negiah everyday, all of the time” and says, “by now my close non–Jewish guy friends know better than to try to high–five me.” Her convictions guide her. Rivka describes herself as “disconnected,” and “not interested in being a part of Penn’s mainstream culture, whatever that is.” For Rivka, shomer negiah is one of the ways she defines herself as a good Jew. “God wants me to be shomer negiah. It’s freeing because it doesn’t confuse relationships,” she says.

Among Christian practitioners of abstinence, similar sentiments of conviction resonate. Matt Pershe, a junior urban studies major, practices abstinence. He speaks eloquently about Christian principles of adultery and loving one another as one loves oneself and Christ. These ideas guide him in his relations with women and give space for respect and friendship in the same way Rivka’s practice of shomer negiah does. He rationalizes his abstinence by saying, “I would feel bad sleeping with a woman who would not end up marrying me. That’s not showing her a lot of love, because that’s giving her as much as I can possibly give her without any kind of commitment…”

But Matt struggles, too. Lust dogs him as it does any guy in college. His ideas on lust sounded unfamiliar, yet not irrational. “It’s not like I don’t look at girls and lust after them… If it’s not the number one thing that Christian guys on this campus screw up with, I don’t know what is.” To combat lust, there are what Matt calls “accountability partners.” These are informal pairings in which both Christian men and women in Penn Cru (the Penn chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ) and other organizations take part to help each other avoid sinning.  “I’ve got an accountability partner, he even tracks my web browser if I’m looking in the right places,” he says, referring to pornography.

Matt speaks about the implications of pornography in daily interactions with women. “The way you view women and the way you think about women will shape your interactions with them, it will shape the way you feel about them,” he explains. “You can become disrespectful towards women just because of what you’re allowing your thoughts about women to look like.”

Matt and Rivka’s convictions provide them with a sense of assuredness. In college, that can be hard to find. With morals and guides to abide by, their religions seems to furnish them with spirituality and principles that might be helpful in navigating Penn. Their communities and the shared beliefs among students in those communities give them comfort of the home away from home. Matt in particular talks about coming to college and the pressure not only to transition into new social and academic worlds, but to find himself religiously away from his parents, too. The Christian community at Penn welcomed him right away.

However, the intersection of religion and sexuality does not always translate immediately to conviction and self–assuredness. For two other girls, Sarah* and Maggie,* sexuality acts as a point of transformation in their religious identities. Not only has their time at Penn served as a point for individual growth and discovery, but it has also become grounds for religious questioning and development. Sarah (who is also in the OCP) and Maggie found that their boyfriends challenged their religious ideals. Neither of them say that their boyfriends pressured them into sex or any unwanted interaction; rather, despite the difference in the Jewish principle of shomer negiah and traditional Christian practices of abstinence, both girls found that their relationships prompted them to examine the role of physicality in relationships. Both believe that dating should be directed: they seek an orientation towards marriage that Penn’s “mainstream” lacks.

Sarah prefers to talk about OCP in general. She revealed that, rather than a “hook–up culture,” the catch–all that has come to signify the sexual landscape in college, OCP maintains a dating culture. “[Students] tailor dating practices around it [shomer negiah]. If you’re dating someone for a really long time and are trying to practice shomer negiah, it’s really hard. So some people will then stop being shomer negiah. Then, other protective buffers kind of set in,” Sarah says. Another orthodox rule, ‘yichud,’ mandates  that an unmarried man and woman are not allowed to be alone and in an isolated place. On the subject of her own religious development, she explains, “As you… discover things that matter to you [like being Jewish], the priorities, or the way that they manifest themselves in college, sort of shift around or get redefined.”

In talking to Sarah, it became evident that college can pose a challenge to religious identity. Students must take ownership of their own practices as they learn to live on their own. For Sarah, the struggle of shomer negiah appears as she mulls over the place of “the touch” in relationships.  “[The] element of friendship or touch that isn’t just sexual comes up a lot. That, you know, that touch is a mode of communicating caring. You might want to hug your guy friend or your girl friend, that pops up also, and I think sometimes people’s convictions to be observing Jewish law strictly seems to waver.”

When Maggie entered Penn abstinent, her relationship with her boyfriend inspired her to reconsider her mores and her place in the Penn Christian community. She describes herself as having gone through a transition before her junior year where she decided to take more control over her religious identity. “I made the decision to stop letting other people tell me what to believe,” she says. Previously, she was involved in a Christian group that she felt regulated her conversations and public beliefs. She realized she could depend on herself and her own “very liberal interpretations of the Bible.” Despite her move away from abstinence, Maggie says, “if it got to that point where I was 100% sure I would not marry him, I wouldn’t be in the relationship anymore.” While she now has a group of Christian girl friends she can talk about sex toys and crushes with openly, she still fears being judged among other Christians. She has reconsidered the way sex functions in her personal life, but she seems to have found herself in a space where sex is heavily regulated and the lack of sex is socially normalized.

Both Blair and Rob have now lost their virginities and both are happy with their decisions. Rob says he is in a healthy monogamous relationship, which he describes as “A+.” For Blair, the anxiety around her sexual identity has compelled an opposite vein of thinking to Sarah and Maggie’s questioning of the need for the physical in the emotional relationship. Blair sought to remove the emotional from the physical and describes the ability to do so as “empowering.”

But not all stories of virginity follow religion’s lines: take Emma’s*, for example. Emma’s family’s immigrant status drives her decision to abstain. Her parents are from Lebanon, and Emma claims virginity out of a desire to please them and respect her culture and tradition. Though she continually uses the word “struggle” to describe this choice, she admits that it’s in jest. For her, virginity is not difficult. In response to her roommate’s drunken stories and sexcapades she says, “I’m so glad I’m not you. I couldn’t handle that emotional stress.”

Although virginity on campus inhabits many forms and communities, the thread that connects them seems to be intention. Individuals who chose to abstain grapple constantly with the significance of physicality, virginity and of upholding one’s own definitions of what is right. For many Penn students, the decision to abstain serves as a point of change and transformation in attempting to understand what and who defines them. For these individuals, virginity was and is a choice, a choice that can be empowering.

-Alexa Nicolas is a senior from New York, NY, majoring in molecular biology. She is a former columnist at the Daily Pennsylvanian and former Backpage editor of 34th Street Magazine. 

Street: How did you lovebirds meet?

Street: Elizabeth, what was the highlight of your Street career?
EH: As Film editor, I was flown out to L.A. and put up in the Four Seasons for a press conference with Christian Bale for “The Fighter.” Oh, and also my lovely staff and all the friends I made! They made me love Penn.

Street: What was the hardest part about being on the editorial board?
EH: It was weird to deal with complaints and realize how much people take what you say into account.
IB: Oh yeah, commenters are just the worst.

Street: Did you get a lot of backlash for exposing stuff on campus?
IB: Sometimes. I would get looks. My vest–wearing professor called me out when I wrote he was teaching a class on the history of vests for Joke Day! But it had its perks. Amy Gutmann knows who I am…Chasing Amy works.

Street: What’s changed the most since you came to Penn?
EH: The most monumental seismic shift for me was the closing of Won Chinese; that really shattered my world. And the loss of the FroGro wine kiosk. What was it called?
IB: THE PRONTO.
EH: Yeah, the only changes on my radar have been food–related.
IB: Also, Amy got a couple billion for Penn.
EH: Penn got a little richer. I got a little poorer.
IB: Facebook changed.

Street: What’s your greatest accomplishment at Penn?
IB: I founded Penn’s cat video listserv. It’s called Kitten Cutletz, we’ve got 70, 72 subscribers now. We had Fling tanks this year. People loved them.
EH: My best moment was designing those Fling tanks, then.
IB: Oh, I submitted gossip about that thing that happened during Fling to the Round Up this week!
EH: You submit every week. About yourself.
IB: That’s not true. I did it once.

Street: What will you miss most?
IB: Koja.
EH: Beijing.
IB: See, that’s where we’re different.
EH: Also the world–class academics and fine facilities!
IB: Oh yeah, I’ll miss the Jaffe art history building.
EH: Also the first few warm days of spring, which are unrecognized national holidays. The smell of cherry blossoms and manure…

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…
IB: Those who got it and those who ain’t.
EH: Those who twerk and those who work.

Street: Cast who would play the other in a biopic and what each film would be called.
IB: She’d be played by Tilda Swinton. It’s called “Jesus Take the Wheel.”
EH: All of mine will be really esoteric. I was a film ed after all.
IB: I don’t care, as long as they got them cheekbones.
EH: Okay, Morrissey in a Bobby Fischer-esque musical tale about his viola playing.
IB: I play in a quartet in the Penn Chamber Music Society. Would it be called “Precious”?
EH: I want a “RuPaul’s Drag Race” reference… it’s called “Shantay You Stay.”
IB: “Shontay you PLAY.”

Street: On a related note, who’s your alter ego?
EH: People have told me I’m Helga Pataki–ish. And Catherine from “Wuthering Heights.” As in the one who screams a lot and then dies.
IB: Well, I am known as Spooky Bussard.
EH: Ian read me this tweet that said, “I bet when Helena Bonham Carter makes pancakes she makes spooky pancakes.” We just started saying “spooky” all the time.
IB: So I changed my Facebook name to Spooky. When the sunglasses are on, Spooky’s out.
EH: I say Spooky’s always out. Also, this will come across as the biggest compliment ever, and I don’t want to inflate your ego, but you’re a little Bowie–esque. In the asexual alien way with really nice hair.
IB: Oh good, I’ll take that. I thought you were going to say Hillary Clinton.

Street: Who were you in your past life?
EH: Ian was an elderly Upper West Side socialite who lives in a mint green apartment and only wears Chanel suits. The money just keeps coming from a long–dead husband.
IB: Yours is a bit less glamorous, but… Emily Dickinson? A posthumously famous poet, who’s maybe a recluse.
EH: DON’T CALL ME EMILY DICKINSON IN PRINT!

Street: Describe yourself in five words or less.
EH: Don’t care. Love it.
IB: Unst Unst Unst Unst Unst.

Street: What would you tell your freshman self?
IB: Once you leave your dorm in the morning, don’t go back until you’re going to bed.
EH: I would tell myself to chill. No matter who you are, Penn people will love you. Because there really is a niche for everyone. Me and Penn, we’re cool.

Start off your studying on a positive note with Delicate Steve. “Positive Force” will leave you feeling optimistic about the hours of work to come, setting the tone for a study session that won’t drive you nuts. Let the good vibes and upbeat strumming determine your finals season mindset.

2. The Album Leaf—“Another Day”

As you start getting into the zone, groove to the calming electronic sound of “The Album Leaf” paired with the influx of information. Nothing gets done when you’re stressed and overwhelmed and this album will get you into a focused, calm space.

3. Diamond Messages—”Liquid Summer”

When your studying starts to lull or you get writer’s block, play Diamond Messages’ “Liquid Summer” and open your mind. The luscious electronic sound will flow from your brain to your fingertips as you type your final paper, or at least give you the motivation to push through.

4. Bonobo—”Kong”

The end is near; it’s almost time to call it quits and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. By this point, your motivation is fading and you are tempted to just go to sleep. But once “Kong” comes on, that will all change. Bonobo gives you a mental boost when you need it most.

5. Holy Fuck—”SHT MTN”

When it’s time for the home stretch, turn on Holy Fuck’s “SHT MTN” and get the adrenaline rush you need to finish what you started. The hard, lo–fi electronic beats and sonic energy feel of “SHT MTN” will feel like a shot of espresso when you have one page left of your ten–page final paper.

Let’s start off with our drunken GF in AXO who just could not hold it in at St. A’s Fling bash. Highbrow hears that the girl climbed to the very top of the firescape to relieve herself. Cuz you know that’s the place to do it. But alas, the girl did not realize the platform was grated, and the partygoers below were treated to a golden shower for a lengthy two minutes. Nothing like a drunk girl to rain on your parade, amiright Babs?

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board was on the prowl this past weekend and Theos was its first kill. On the Thursday night of their annual Fling downtown, the cops allegedly shut down the on–campus pregame and refused to let attendees exit without showing a 21+ ID. Since most of them were not of age, the situation got a little tricky. Sources say a total of 31 students were cited and given court dates, some just for being at the pregame. Sucks to suck, Theos. At least your parents can pay someone off to make this all go away.

Fling isn’t just for Penn students; sometimes, your friendly neighborhood coke dealer sneaks in to join the fun. Highbrow hears a West Philly blow dealer lost 10 grams of cocaine while flinging with her favorite customers over the weekend. But don’t cry yet! Allegedly, she later located her product nestled safely in her vag. Which we guess makes sense? It just seems like a lot of coke to stick up your hooch without noticing. But maybe we’re just inexperienced. But then again, 10 GRAMS. You know what’s the same size as 10 grams of cocaine? A mouse.

Jealous of your friends who headed over to Nova for Alesso on Friday night? Don’t be. Sources say one Penn student was thrown in Alesso Jail after a display of public intoxication and failing to produce ANY form of identification. Alesso Jail consisted of a group of unruly drunken concert–goers, roped off by security and denied human rights. But with the peacekeeping of a true Quaker, the girl became Alesso Jail’s most well–behaved prisoner, earning her early release. A parade is set for later this week.

Dates: June 13–16 Price: $269.50

Going down south this summer? Don’t miss this four–day concert experience (that’s what previous Bonnaroovians would call it) in good old Manchester, Tennessee. With artists like Paul McCartney, Billy Idol, Matt & Kim, Earl Sweatshirt, Passion Pit and the Lumineers headlining, Bonnaroo offers the most even distribution of up–and–comer, super–popular–right–now, and forever relevant musical acts (and there’s comedy, too!) A camping area is provided for you in your general admission ticket and you’ll be stationed with a bunch fellow barefoot, music–loving hippies. Don’t fret though, there are bathrooms and showers for you to use as well.  Not to mention, a “Broo’ers Festival” tent featuring over 20 different breweries, and more food trucks (including vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free options) than you’ll know what to do with.

Writer’s Musical Pick: Pretty Lights

Writer’s Comedy Pick: David Cross

Editor’s Must-See: Don’t miss Local Natives down in Tennessee. Their young acoustic sound matures in their most recent album release, “Hummingbird.” Apart from their emotive lyrics and rich acoustics, Local Natives have come up with a unique sound characterized by an upbeat tempo umatched by other indie rock bands. Make sure to know the lyrics to “Breakers.”

Firefly

Dates: June 21–23 Price: $258

Red Hot Chili Peppers, Vampire Weekend, MGMT and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs will be headlining this concert festival in nearby Dover, Delaware. Kicking off its second year, Firefly plays out like a sort of lightweight, light–drug version of Coachella, only not in California.  Campgrounds are all sold out, but alternate lodging options are available—plus, if you’re in Philadelphia for the summer, getting over the border each day shouldn’t be too troublesome.  Plus, with only four stages, it’ll be easier for you to catch every single act you wanna catch once you’re there. Dogfish Head has brewed a special Firefly Ale just for the occasion, which is a reason to go on its own.  If you’re looking for baby steps into the concert fest scene, Firefly is the place for you.

Writer’s Pick: The Lumineers

Editor’s Must-See: St. Lucia’s distinctive pop sound will definitely be worth checking out. Jean–Philip Grobler’s (a.k.a. St. Lucia) raspy vocals and melodic instrumentals create euphoric energy that’s sure to speak to a chilled–out crowd. Grobler’s eponymous debut album, “St. Lucia,” got buzz from dance–floor DJs such as Alex Metric and The Knocks last year. Be sure to know “Before the Dive” before you dive into this fly concert.

Governor’s Ball

Dates: June 7–9 Price: 3 day passes are sold out, but $95/day

Did you nab an NYC internship? Good Quaker, give yourself a break and go see the likes of Pretty Lights, Local Natives, Japandroids, and Yeasayer (don’t forget to holla at Penn alum and lead guitarist, Anand Wilder) in Randall’s Island Park. Heavyweights like Kanye West and Kings of Leon will be at Governor’s, too, but never fear the force of the mainstream: this festival also offers non–concert activities like the Silent Disco and fun lawn games.  How can a disco be silent? By way of live DJing channeled into personal headsets. Then dance your ass off with a bunch of other people doing the same thing. Music + bad dancing = great time, at least in our opinion.

Writer’s Pick: Of Monsters and Men

Editor’s Must-See: Trekking from Australia, indie electronic group Cut Copy is a must. Their latest album, “Zonoscope” provides a varied mix of upbeat pop and soft techno. Their 80’s pop-infused sound allows for a unique experience that attracts all sorts of crowds. The synth ballads with disco beats will get everyone dancing. Furthermore, “Lights & Music” is sure to have a psychedelic light show.

Street: At what point did you decide to open a second store? Why this location?
Jeff Ziga: We wanted to do another thing because it was going well at our World Headquarters in Fishtown/East Kensington. [Cedar Park] is similar to where our other store is: people around here own houses and that’s the demographic where we opened before and found a lot of support from people who lived a block away and loved it. We wanted to be near people who were going to support us long term.

Street: And you’re next to Dock Street Brewery so, pizza?
JZ: That’s a third reason: We like the neighborhood, it’s close to a park, we happened to find a building we liked and it’s close to pizza. We’re next to Pizza Brain in [our] East Kensington [location] so being next to pizza is a good thing.

Street: You had a cart in the Quad during Fling. How did your partnership with Penn start?
JZ: We’ve been doing events since we started in 2011 with tricycles. Events and festivals were one of the first things we did and I think we were at Penn in 2011.

Street: You work with Bon Appetit Dining too…
JZ: Yeah, they reached out to us. I think they wanted to feature nice local artisan–type people producing food. It’s good. The hope is that by next fall we can do single serving cups for a more grab–and–go product.

Street: How’d you choose the name?
JZ: It just kind of sounded right. You look at an ice cream cone and you go “Awww.” It has the right vibe. I didn’t think about this then but I explain it now:  you look at ice cream and you feel like a kid. It’s like reverting to an infantile state of pure id.

Street: What flavors have been your biggest hits?
JZ: There are some that I call no–brainers like Bourbon Bourbon Vanilla. It’s the thing we’re doing to be there instead of just vanilla. It’s not alcoholic but people always ask if kids can have it. We have to explain a lot of things, like “What’s pizza flavor?” Yeah, it tastes like pizza.

Street: Are you making any new flavors right now?
JZ: The idea is constantly to evolve. It really always has been: we source a lot of produce as locally and seasonally as possible. We have emerging relationships with local and urban farms. Sometimes they come to us with something interesting that we have not made an ice cream flavor with before and we will do that. Our first event was May of 2011 and we’ve made 40 ice creams at this point. Some of them have been “let’s not do that again.”

Street: If you were ordering off your menu, what would you get?
JZ: I would probably get a scoop of ice cream on a cone.

Street:Uh–huh…well which flavor?
JZ: [hesitates]

Street: Are you sick of it?
JZ: By no means, but I haven’t had a scoop of ice cream since the fall of last year. I just taste things, like the rest of a milkshake. Last Friday, though, we made a flavor with Arctic Splash, a subpremium type of iced tea popular in random places, like Fishtown. I had to scoop one to post a picture online and no one wanted it. So, I had a scoop of ice cream on a cone outside and the weather was nice and I was like, “this is nice. I see why our customers like it.”

Street: With flavors like Earl Gray Sriracha, how do you differentiate between what’s weird and is going to work out well and what’s just weird?
JZ: It’s a combination of methods of discovery. We’re getting better at knowing what’s going to work. It starts out with trial and error then it becomes more trial less error. If it sucks then you don’t give it to people.

Street: Is there a flavor you really pushed to have on the menu?
JZ: I was really particular about the coffee ice cream (Coffee Toffee). I really believe we make the best coffee ice cream that exists. It’s so fucking good. We use Blue Bottle coffee beans. Another one is Speculoos flavor, which everyone knows because now Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods make cookie butter. Speculoos is a Belgian cookie for the St. Nicholas festival and you can get them everywhere in Europe. A year and half ago it wasn’t a flavor people in America were into. I brought a bunch home from Europe in my suitcase and right after we made it and Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods started marketing their cookie butter. Before they started selling it here, I had to smuggle Speculoos back to the U.S. That might be a federal crime. Guilty.

Street: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve tried to make ice cream out of?
JZ: We made a spicy mustard ice cream that some people loved and some people hated. We made a honey miso chai ice cream that most people hated. My friend Liam, who likes everything we’ve ever made, wrote, “I think that with honey miso chai flavor, Lil Baby’s has finally flown too close to the sun.” I told him, “If not us, then who?”

Store Hours:
M – Th: 3-10

F: 3–11

Sat : 12–11

Sun: 12–10

Boy: Cause I’m a FLOSSY BITCH!

Drunk bitch: I saw this guy I thought might be Ben Affleck the other day, so I followed him down an alley. It was a nice alley but it turns out it wasn’t him.

DP douche: A good first date food is fish eggs. Because if she’s not gonna eat those, she’s probably not gonna suck your dick either.

Donuts, dosas and froyo will share a home on 40th and Sansom. For the eclectic at heart, this new food court will feature Dunkin Donuts, Whirled Peace Frozen Yogurt and Philadelphia Chutney Co., which serves healthy Indian fusion food.

Why Does Drexel Get All the Good Things?: 3200 Chestnut

While it may not be enough to inspire a transfer, the new food court at 32nd and Chestnut might bring out your inner Drexel Dragon for an hour. With options including Yogorino, Shake Shack and Zavino, a Center City pizzeria, we have a feeling we’ll visiting our neighboring campus more often.

Stay tuned…for what’s coming in to replace the old Gia Pronto (3736 Spruce) and defunct Mexicali (110 S.40th Street).

Designed by: Zoe Goldberg

Mix 4 oz. of lime juice, 4 tablespoons of tequila and 6 tablespoons of triple sec in a bowl. Add 5 oz. of powdered sugar and stir until dissolved. Add 20 oz. of heavy cream and whisk until the mixture is thick and smooth. Pour into an airtight container and freeze overnight. Scoop and salt your South–of–the–Border sundae.

I arrived at Penn as a bright–eyed freshman, armed with a Gustav Klimt wall poster, a New York Jets teddy bear and all six seasons of “LOST” on DVD. As I met new people during NSO, whether at the Penn Summer Reading Project (doubtful) or in frat house bathrooms (more realistic), that age–old question always arose: “What are you studying?”

I confessed that I had no idea. The thought of already knowing what I wanted to major in before classes had even begun was absurd to me. Penn is a liberal arts school and I intended to take advantage of it. After all, I didn’t have to declare my major until the end of sophomore year. What was the rush? I had time.

But here I am, nearly two years later, with my Penn InTouch still reading “Undecided.” I’m on registration hold. I’m technically not allowed to go abroad. My inbox is flooded with unanswered emails from my pre–major advisor, most of them along the lines of “Advanced registration is OVER! What are you doing?!? PLEASE MEET WITH ME!!!!”

Time is officially up.

I almost wish I was one of my pre–med friends, who complain about biology almost as much as they Instagram baby pictures of themselves wearing stethoscopes (#destiny). I even envy the Wharton kids, who dominate our Forensics lecture instead of just going on Facebook like everyone else. All of them came to Penn equipped with an idea, a vision of themselves in ten years. Picking a major (or a concentration) was just a formality for them. But it’s not for someone like me, who still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. To me, the idea of a major seems suffocating. Confining.  A meaningless label on a four–year education that stretches far beyond the realms of one undergraduate department.

Because this is COLLEGE. We’re young and stupid and drunk 50% of the time. And for eight semesters, we have a world of knowledge at our fingertips. Seriously! There’s never going to be another time in our lives where we have this freedom to just run around and try to figure it all out. All of the intriguing courses and amazing professors that Penn has to offer are ours for the taking. I can make as many Penn InTouch mock schedules titled “ryan gosling do me” as I want. That “Psychology of Food” class sounds yummy (lol), and I really want to take that Filreis class on the Holocaust. And why shouldn’t I be able to? The real world looms beyond the other side of graduation. And once we cross over, we won’t have so much wiggle room.

I guess I take it back: declaring a major really will be a formality. But not because I’ve found the key to my future. It’s just a pesty stepping–stone to get me abroad next fall, to take me off registration hold, to calm down my frantic pre–major advisor who probably thinks I’m dead. I’ll just pick something, anything, and hope that I still have time to find out who I am going to be. After all, I still have two years left.

On Campus: Little Baby’s Ice Cream
2311 Frankford Ave.; 4903 Catherine St. (coming soon)
Get a rare taste of real Philly–style (it’s a thing) ice cream in all sorts of wacky flavors.  They even have non–dairy coconut–based flavors for vegans!
Don’t miss: Earl Grey Sriracha ice cream, rolled in Rice Krispies ($4 for a small)

Off Campus: Franklin Fountain

You get a bonnet with your scoop at Franklin Fountain

116 Market St.
Check out this increasingly popular Philly landmark for some handmade, old fashioned scoops made from Lancaster country milk.
Don’t miss: Pistachio ice cream ($4.60 for small cup or cone)

FROYO
On Campus: Kiwi
3606 Chestnut St.
With 13 seasonally–changing flavors and apparently endless toppings, it’s the perfect place to get creative.
Don’t miss: Coconut froyo with pretzel bits (49 cents per ounce)

You too can be this happy

Off Campus: Yogorino
233 S. 20th St.
Simplicity reigns supreme at this Center City favorite: deliciously creamy probiotic froyo that’s just the right amount of tart.
Don’t miss: Froyo with semi–sweet Ciocco Sauce and strawberries ($5 for a medium)

MILKSHAKES (BOOZY)

Heart–healthy cuisine at Bobby’s

On Campus: Bobby’s Burger Palace
3925 Walnut St.
Quite possibly better than the burgers, these shakes are thick, rich and have enough kick to get you tipsy.
Don’t miss: Vanilla Caramel Bourbon Shake ($7.50)

Off Campus: PYT
1050 N. Hancock St.
The “Adult Shakes” are a taste of childhood (with tons of booze) and they’re great for sharing.
Don’t miss: Bananas John Foster shake ($10)

MILKSHAKES (NON–BOOZY)

On campus: Lee’s Hoagie House
4034 Walnut St.
Sure, you can be skeptical about getting a milkshake at a hoagie place, but one sip of this super–thick shake and you’ll be a convert.
Don’t miss: Chocolate Three Scoop Milk Shake ($5.35)

Off campus: Sketch Burger
413 E. Girard Ave.
The burgers aren’t the only thing that stand out in this Fishtown dice. Sketch whips up one mean shake.
Don’t miss: Vegan Vanilla Milkshake ($7)

SMOOTHIES

Every single fruit at Manakeesh

On Campus: Manakeesh
4420 Walnut St.
Three words: Two. Dollar. Tuesdays. Pick four fruits and add yogurt or orange juice for an extra 50 cents. Practically perfection.
Don’t miss: Strawberry, mango, banana and blueberry smoothie with yogurt base ($2.50).

Off Campus: Yellow Juice Bar
2046 Sansom St.
For a super healthy snack on the go while wandering in Center City, pick up one of Yellow Juice Bar’s many fruit (and/or veggie) juices and smoothies.
Don’t miss: Ginger, carrot, lemon and grapefruit juice blend ($4)

FROZEN MARGARITAS

On Campus: Mad Mex
3401 Walnut St.
Big Azz (22 oz!) margaritas for small prices make this a happy hour haven. Plus, they don’t charge extra for flavors (we’re glaring at you, Copa).
Don’t miss: Big Azz frozen raspberry margarita ($7 during happy hour, 4:30–6:30 p.m. Monday–Friday)

Off Campus: El Vez
121 S. 13th St.
One of Philly’s top upscale Mexican restaurants, El Vez has made a name for themselves with their margarita menu.
Don’t miss: Frozen Blood Orange Margarita ($9 per glass, $36 per pitcher)

2. Don’s not the only person troubled by the past, as the profane Herb Renet from Jaguar makes a visit to the agency, landing right in the woman who prostituted herself for the account’s office. Upon complementing Joan’s outfit, he asserts, “I know there’s part of you that’s glad to see me.” Luckily, after receiving a rebuttal joke regarding his corpulent figure, Herb retires to Pete Campbell’s office for their meeting. Next, Joan arrives in Don’s office to summon him, but grabs a glass of alcohol and proceeds to stare out of the window, in deep thought. Don doesn’t question her, but pauses after comprehending her distress. Even though there’s no further dialogue, we all know Herb’s arrival marks the reminder of the partners’ omission of Don’s opinion and Joan’s monumental decision in “The Other Woman.” Indeed, rash past decisions do haunt our Madison Avenue’s everyday thoughts.

3. For Megan, her recent miscarriage burdens her, as she struggles to even communicate the misfortune to Don. She’s disgusted, since not feeling the time was right for a child nor understanding Don’s attitude about the matter, she originally wanted an abortion. Once Don learns of Megan’s heartache, he consoles her, stating, “You have to know I want what you want.” Does anyone ever know what Don wants? That’s the true question. The sum of all his experiences isn’t enough. As he affirmed during his plea to Dow Chemical in season 5, “What is happiness? it’s a moment before you need more happiness.” He’s sympathetic towards Megan, but his comfort guilts him. He’s just returned from another sexual escapade with Sylvia, just to hear the worrisome news.

4. Essentially, the affairs of both Don and Pete in the episode don’t trouble the viewer. We’re used to it after sixty-six episodes. Pete’s adopted Don’s attitude of the past, while Don’s spiraling more than ever. After Megan is too sick (with guilt) to attend dinner and Doctor Rosen leaves to tend to a patient, Sylvia gives Don the cold shoulder before ordering their entrees. Yet, the persuasive, charming Draper we all know resurfaces, as he mutters, “Is this what’s bothering you? that everything worked out so perfectly?” Immediately, their conversation is juxtaposed with images of Don ripping off her dress and pleasuring Sylvia again. Every so often, “Mad Men’s” characters spiral out of control. This time, it’s difficult to tell if this conversation is foreshadowing anything for Don; we’ll just have to wait and see.

5. After Trudy discovers Pete’s affair with Brenda, she demands a divorce. Pete decides to spend the evening in the office, and as Bob Benson (James Wolk) sweet talks Pete about his love for advertising, Pete states, “It’s all about what it looks like isn’t it?” Indeed, this perceived notion of content has been prevalent across the series. As we leave the characters until next week (with another promo that shows us literally nothing), no one is happy, but instead, deep in doubt.

1. The Blackfish. 

2. Tyrion. This week’s writer and director David Benioff really seems to like his long, long silences. Even when he’s silent, Tyrion manages to say quite a bit. Tonight, his father Tywin gathers him, his sister, and various other holders of high office for a brief conference. Waxing dramatic, Tywin says nothing, staring them all down with his pitiless eyes. Tyrion decides to readjust himself. Standing up, he slowly drags his chair to the head of the table opposite his father. That awful sound chairs make against floors ensues with Tyrion never breaking eye contact with his father.

3. Theon. This week we’re also treated to a horse chase sequence, without any dialogue. It’s not exactly silent, but it’s a well-executed bit of action that plays with our expectations of tone. One moment it’s almost light-hearted adventuring, with Theon and his pursuers dodging tree limbs battling on horseback, but by the end, it dips into creepy “Deliverance” territory.

4. Arya/Hotpie. Learning how to use the power of death hasn’t done much for Arya in the way of making friends. So when it comes time to tell Hotpie goodbye, she doesn’t really know what to say. Granted, she met Hotpie at the end of season 1 (right after her father was beheaded) where Hotpie thought she was a boy and threatened to kick her in the balls until dead. But through their shared misery in Harrenhall last season, Hotpie’s also become one of Arya’s two friends in all the world. But when it becomes clear their roads are forking off from one another, neither really has the right words. As a parting gift, he gives her some bread he baked into the shape of a wolf, similar to the Stark’s sigil. She takes it, and walks off after a stunted “goodbye.” He watches her go for another long, awkward, wordless moment. It’s really sad. Finally, Arya turns back around and yells “It’s really good!” ending their contact on the up and up.

5. Jaime. Jaime’s big moment is nonverbal, in the sense that there aren’t any coherent words spoken, just screaming. A few brief seconds of physical and existential terror manifested in sound, escaping from his throat in the shocking last image of the episode. Jaime’s captors get fed up with his trying to smooth-talk his way out of things, so they cut off his right hand. Jaime, whose only real value as a person is being the greatest swordsman alive, is now a cripple. It only takes a second, but we can see that realization read out on his face, right before the credits roll to a Flogging Molly-esque Celtic rock cover of one of the “Game of Thrones” folk ballads entitled “The Bear and the Maiden Fair.” It’s a fantastic ending for the episode. 

The second installation of Suzanne Collins’ Hunger Games series will be released November 22nd. Catching Fire features a new director, Francis Lawrence, who will be taking the reins from Gary Ross and easing the audience through Katniss Everdeen’s transformation from an apprehensive young girl to a symbol of defiance across the dystopian Districts of Panem. Spoilers ahead!

What We Love: The blood-curdling conversation between President Snow, played by Donald Sutherland, and new “gamemaker” Plutarch Heavensbee, the acclaimed Phillip Seymour Hoffman. “I agree that she should die,” Hoffman slowly, carefully, decides. “But in the right way. At the right time.” Josh Hutcherson and Oscar winning Jennifer Lawrence have both visibly matured and gotten…significantly more attractive. Gale, aka Liam Hemsworth, never fails to disappoint. The new film, filled with riots and things…well, catching fire, looks considerably darker. It’s bound to be more ominous, violent, and politically charged. We can’t wait.

What We Don’t: As any steadfast Hunger Games fan should know (and as the trailer hints at briefly), the second part of Collins’ story focuses enormously on a new “hunger game:” the infamous Quarter Quell. No scenes from this arena are shown, nor do we meet any of the central new characters, former Hunger Game victors. Am I the only one who’s been eagerly awaiting Finnick Odair?! (Ed.’s note: Not at all)

Ice cream makes memories. Think back to your first taste of a Neapolitan sandwich out of your neighborhood truck, or to the most recent time you pigged out on a pint or two of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food to get over an unexpected rejection. That’s why ice cream—particularly over frozen yogurt—remains the quintessential means to satisfy our cravings for frozen sweetness: there’s no better way to accompany high-points or down-days than with a scoop of churned whole milk and cream.

First of all, while I understand the whole health-food argument, ice cream isn’t necessarily any more gluttonous than its cleverly marketed sibling. Most self-serve froyo shops provide oversized cups to squeeze as much cash out of you as possible. With your own hand pushing down the metal handle and the in–your–face banner calling it “healthy,” it’s hard to know when to stop. When you’re scooping ice cream, however, its richness reminds you that a little will go a long way.

Ice cream is sumptuous without added toppings, save the occasional drizzle of warm chocolate fudge or dollop of whipped-cream. Yet the topping bar is a key froyo joint destination. Because the actual yogurt is so plain, it needs to be accessorized. With dispensers of crushed oreos and M&Ms, clusters of cookie dough, brownie bits and bottles of every imaginable sauce laid out in front of us, we rarely stop at the chopped pineapple. Our cups end up holding mountains of layered garnishes whose carb–counts exceed a few scoops of the real stuff.

Furthermore, there’s a straightforward explanation for why the satisfying feeling of scraping out those last few bits of brownie or cookie swirl on the surface of an ice cream tub will never die: mix–ins are what make the taste of ice cream so intoxicating. Contrastingly solid–colored froyo flavors, on the other hand, merely mimic the essence of their ice cream counterparts. Take Häagan–Dazs’ Midnight Cookies and Cream: nothing compares to a spoonful of its crunchy cookie bits, complemented by a chewy fudge swirl and set into a dense chocolate–cream base. I have yet to find a yogurt replica that measures up to its textural balance. The closest varieties of “cookies and cream” at froyo powerhouses like Red Mango or Pinkberry simply inject basic bases with grayish brown food coloring and artificial-tasting additives. The more decadent treat has been around for hundreds of years for a reason: stay on the ice cream bandwagon.

— Solomon Bass

Counterpoint: Froyo

This is not your grandmother’s old fashioned ice cream.

Once upon a time—in 2005—Pinkberry opened its doors in West Hollywood, CA. Within a few short years, the chain and numerous wannabes spanned the country. The popularity of the tart yogurt with scant toppings has subsided, replaced with a country-wide obsession with frozen yogurt, a perfect dessert that combines DIY with AYCE—all you can eat.

Froyo, as it’s fondly called, is beloved because it’s self serve: It puts you in the driver’s seat to decide on which flavor, which toppings and what combination thereof. Whether you’re feeling classic vanilla topped with granola and gummy bears or a melange of chocolate, peanut butter and mint with six different types of candy, your friendly neighborhood froyo establishment lets you do you.

The frozen treat takes the perks of ice cream and makes them even better. Sample different flavors in bite–size cups—no paltry spoons or taste limits. You don’t have to worry about an employee giving you a too–small scoop, either. Instead you can stuff your cup to the brim and then load up on toppings. There are no limits, only guidelines: froyo is pay per ounce. Looking for a light snack? You’ll only be set back a few dollars. Or if you’re in the mood to splurge, $6 will get you the equivalent of a fourth meal…or so I’ve heard.

With froyo, it’s all about variety. The many flavors taste eerily identical to their food counterparts, from Pumpkin Pie to Sea Salt Caramel and often change with the season. Traditional toppings range from heath bar for a sweet tooth, to kiwi for a fruit lover, to pretzels, Cap’n Crunch and granola for everyone in between.

Bonus points come in the form of a college student’s best friend: the punch card. Many frozen yogurt shops provide some variation of “buy 10, get 1 free,” so don’t worry about being overwhelmed. Try a little each time to find your personal holy grail. It’s refreshing on hot days and rebellious on cold days, but no two cups need ever be the same.

Tempted yet? I’ll meet you at the toppings bar.

— Nicole Malick

Talking Points: Does including arch–villain The Mandarin (Ben Kingsly) make this movie kinda racist? Like the last movie, will this just be a thinly veiled lead–up to “The Avengers 2″?

2. “The Great Gatsby”

Talking Points: Does director Baz Luhrman’s penchant for the fantastical do justice to this literary classic? How many high school students will use this movie as an alternative to Sparknotes?

3. “Pacific Rim”

Talking Points: Can auteur Guillermo Del Toro help elevate this movie to visionary sci–fi masterpiece? Or is it really just a glorified “Transformers”?

4. “Star Trek Into Darkness”

Talking Points: From the poster to teaser trailers, is J.J. Abrams taking a little too much influence from the Nolan Batman series? Who exactly is first–billed actor Benedict Cumberbatch playing? Finally, how much lens flare is too much lens flare?

5. “Elysium”

Talking Points: Director Neill Blomkamp’s last film, “District 9″, was an allegory about the Apartheid. Is this one about the Occupy Wall Street movement?

6. “The Hangover Part III”

Talking Points: Without the “formula” of the first two movies, will Part III still be funny? Will PETA find a way to get upset over this installment, too?

7.”Monsters University”

Talking Points: Will Monsters U end Pixar’s recent streak of subpar movies? Also how excited is everyone for “Finding Dory”??? (answer: so excited)

8. “Man of Steel”

Talking Points: Is Superman just too boring of a character to sustain his own movie franchise nowadays? Can Henry Cavill live up to former star Brandon Routh’s infamously super package?

9. “The Lone Ranger”

Talking Points: Will “The Lone Ranger” be able to earn back its ridiculously high budget? Is Johnny Depp in love with white face paint or something (see: “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory”, “Alice in Wonderland”, “Sweeney Todd”)?

10. “After Earth”

Talking Points: Can Jaden Smith live up to the freshness of his father? What terrible twist will M. Night Shymalan cram into this one?

I think this is really a framing issue. Exploration is okay. It is natural even, and happens a lot in college. There are even several theories that everyone is a little bisexual. This being said, your problem seems to be a little bit bigger. If you are 100% sure you are straight, you don’t have to experiment. You have to remember that the people that you are experimenting with have feelings and attractions. You shouldn’t pretend that you are queer when you are not. It could hurt people’s feelings.

Also no one likes to be tokenized; it could be a little insulting to be on someone’s bucket list just because of your sexuality. If you really want to do this, just make sure you communicate with our partner, and if they are still okay after knowing that you are straight, then go for it, but it could make a lot of queer people uncomfortable.

Does bad pelvic pain mean I’ve contracted an STD?

Quite possibly. If you haven’t hurt yourself playing sports or passing out at fling, the pain may be coming from inside the body. There are several diseases that cause pelvic pain. The most common is gonorrhea. If you have inflammation, painful urination or weird or abnormal discharge, gonorrhea is probable.

Chlamydia is often also associated with lower abdominal pain (right above the pelvis, but the pain can radiate). These two diseases have a lot of symptoms in common, but they also have similar treatments. They are fairly easily cured, so while it’s embarrassing, it is not the end of the world if you get treatment fast. You should probably get in touch with recent partners and ask if they have been having similar symptoms, especially if it turns out to be chlamydia. Many people do not experience symptoms and they can easily spread it further or get sick later down the road.

Have a question for Miss Cassandra? Email it to highbrow@34st.com.

1. The mystery girl talking to Rob.

2. The shooting. Even for a “very special episode,” this was pretty serious. “Glee” up and decided to play a card from the “Degrassi” deck and created an episode about a high school shooting. The shooting itself was tastefully and masterfully rendered. I’ll admit, I was nervous the whole time. Unlike “Degrassi,” “Glee” showed the students performing actions from the familiar lockdown drill we’ve all done in high school a billion times before. Still, it was kind of crazy to see it come to life.

3. It was Coach Sue! Turns out, the shooting wasn’t really a shooting at all. I knew “Glee” wouldn’t really take it there. Also, I was wondering why they didn’t mention anything about anybody getting hurt or killed during the shooting. Apparently, Sue keeps a gun in her office to protect herself and when checking it, it went off by accident and in shock she dropped it, and then it went off again. Although I had my doubts about “Glee” taking on this type of situation, I was still surprised by the turn of events. Additionally, I was shocked at how casually Sue approached the whole situation, especially her low-key reactions. In-character? Realistic? Nope.

4. Wait, no, it was Becky! Turns out, it wasn’t Sue, but Becky! I’m still not one hundred percent sold on the reason Becky had for bringing the gun to school, but apparently Becky felt that the world was a scary place so she started carrying a gun around for protection. The gun went off by accident when she was handing the gun over to Coach Sue and then it dropped on the floor and went off again. Sue was totally taking the wrap for Becky. Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about Jane Lynch’s character, because she does so many bad things to take down the Glee Club and hurt its members, but she’s also had more than a handful of truly touching and humane moments. Still, I don’t know what is going to happen to her if she doesn’t come clean. Is this the end of Coach Sue’s reign at Lima High School?

Bananas

Peel bananas and pop them right in the freezer. Even better, slice bananas and spread with peanut butter, then freeze. You can add them directly to smoothies, dip in melted chocolate, thaw them for banana bread, or toss them in the banana in the blender for a froyo–like vegan dessert.

Eggs

If you have leftover eggs and don’t want them to go bad, crack them, mix the yolks and whites together and pour the mixture into an ice cube tray. Two cubes are the equivalent of one egg.

Grapes

Put some grapes into a plastic bag, and store them in the freezer. You can snack on them (beware, they’re addictive!), or use them to chill your favorite wine.

Herbs

Finely chop herbs, then place them in an ice cube tray along with a bit of water. When you’re ready to cook with them, just remove a cube and add it to your pot. Always fresher than frogro!

Yogurt

Put your favorite yogurt into a plastic bag, cut a hole at the bottom, and pipe small dots onto cookie sheet. Pop it in the freezer, and in about an hour you’ll have a refreshing and healthy frozen snack. You can even freeze strawberries dipped in yogurt for a sweet treat!

Nuts
Keeping nuts in the freezer keeps them from getting rancid, and the high fat content means they defrost in no time. Bulk almonds make a fantastic snacks, maybe paired with a frozen banana.

If you’re totally wasted on the other hand, go see Bloomers at 12:30 in the Lower Quad covering everything from the Killers to Carly Rae Jepsen.  For more info, check out http://bloomerscomedy.com.

12:50-1:00: Definitely check out the Penn Glee Club Band in the Lower Quad.  Toting a repertoire of “standard hits and [their] own unique fusion of rock, ska, and swing,” PCGB is sure to keep you entertained.  More info:https://www.facebook.com/pgc.band?fref=ts  …Sorry Yalla.

1:10-1:25: Check out Kapacity in the Lower Quad for a taste of Korean culture—do I feel a Gangnam Style cover coming on? For more info, you can friend them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/upenn.kapacity

1:30-1:50: Head over to the Upper Quad to check out an interactive performance with the rhythms of Penn Samba (https://www.facebook.com/groups/192412760106/?fref=ts) and so you can get a good spot for…

1:55-2:40: AUTRE NE VEUT (http://www.jazzandgrooves.com/post/46987409899/fling-artist-spotlight-autre-ne-veut-autre-ne) in the Upper Quad.  We don’t mean to discount (former/current) student bands The Marigolds ( https://www.facebook.com/marigoldsmusic?fref=ts) and Fat Panther (https://www.facebook.com/fatpanther?fref=ts) are a good choice if you’re looking for a more rock-type deal, but Autre Ne Veut’s unique R&B sound makes him a can’t miss this Saturday.

2:40-2:50: Run to the Lower Quad to get a good spot for…

2:50-3:35: GIGAMESH (http://www.jazzandgrooves.com/post/47148796748/fling-artist-spotlight-gigamesh-if-youre-not) is definitely the most dance–worthy pro act that J&G has secured to play on Saturday and you won’t wanna miss them.  If you haven’t seen Strictly Funk (https://www.facebook.com/strictlyfunk?fref=ts) at this point, you don’t go to enough Penn events, I have no solace to offer about JBOY but I do recommend reading his Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/J-Boy/264006346968586?sk=info) for a giggle, and Greg Oliveras is in M&W so you can catch him later! Just go to Gigamesh right now.

3:40-4:40: Sit tight in the lower quad for the final pro act Delorean
(http://www.jazzandgrooves.com/post/47241639513/upenn-spring-fling-2013-delorean) This Spanish alt dance band has some seriously neat beats to throw down as the day rounds out and J&G is reporting that they are “INSANE” live, so you won’t wanna miss this. Plus, Dischord (http://upenndischord.com) and Dhamaka (http://www.penndhamaka.com) performances in the Upper Quad fall under the same category as Strictly Funk—get out more, guys.

4:40-5:00: Either dash back to the Upper Quad to catch a capella group Off the Beat (http://www.offthebeat.net) or stick around the Lower Quad for…

5:00-6:00: Mask & Wig in the Lower Quad. Why did J&G put no one else in this time slot? Because at this point, everybody knows that Mask & Wig is a show worth seeing.  Or if you’ve had enough M&W at this point in the more, go drink more in the emptying Upper Quad.

Have fun, kiddies! And dance like crazy.

Sounds Best When: Lying on your back in that existential place before shot #6

99–cent Download:”All My Life”
Matthew Masurka, better known as Gigamesh, is the man behind Mike Posner’s multi–platinum single “Cooler Than Me” and just about every super–popular remix of Top 40 music out there. Although most recognize his characteristically chill remixes of bands like Grouplove and Foster the People, his original music is even better. His 2012 EP “All My Life” is dreamy and pretty disco heavy—perfect for an afternoon in the Quad.

Delorean

Sounds Best When: Pretending it’s 4:20 on 4/20 when it’s actually 4/13

99–cent Download: Deli

Trippy, lots of cricket noises in the background, heavy synth, weird but inexplicably catchy—all of this pretty much sums up this Spanish alternative dance band. Their sound alternates between fast–paced dance beats like “Push It” and more psychedelic anthems like “Stay Close.”

Autre Ne Veut

Sounds Best When: DFMO–ing

99–cent Download:”Your Clothes”

The French moniker aside, Autre Ne Veut is actually an R&B singer from Brooklyn.  A serious up–and–comer in the R&B world, ANV touts a Prince–esque falsetto and the energy to bring the house down with sultriness.  He’s been called a “bedroom phenom,” and his most recent album is a perfect example of an artist growing into their potential. Other than crafting excellent dancing beats, ANV has a tortured quality that makes his music especially interesting.  But seriously, EXCELLENT dancing beats. Plus the songs on his new album cost $1.29, so he’s gotta be a big deal right?

Grade: A–

Rating and runtime: R, 115 min.

See if you liked: “Crash”

Name and Year: Dylan Hansen–Fliedner & Jason Jadick, C’14

Majors: English/Creative Writing & Cinema Studies

Website: www.lunarcircleproductions.com

STREET: How did you each get into filmmaking? What caused you to start making films together?

Dylan Hansen–Fleidner: I worked on a friend’s set one day and decided to drop out of engineering school. I switched to SAS after my freshman year to pursue cinema studies. That was like the big “sea change.” Jason and I became friends the summer before school because we (and our roommate Seth) said that we liked Animal Collective on the Class of 2014 Facebook Group.

Jason Jadick: It really all began with fooling around with a video camera in middle school with friends. It always seemed like a hobby, but freshman year I was trying to figure out what I could do and my mom said, “You could be a movie director.” Shortly after that I saw Sofia Coppola’s “Somewhere” here in Philly and walked out deciding I wanted to try pursuing film. Dylan had a similar awakening and we were friends, so it made sense.

STREET: You have a very particular, hyperstylized aesthetic––how did you come to that? What do you strive to achieve aesthetically in each work?

DH: Each project has different aesthetic demands, which we often establish at the beginning. These are open to change as we move into shooting and then editing. Often, it’s inspired by a mood we want to evoke. The “hyperstyle” you are referring to is more of a desire to be consistent. For something like “GRAVEBANGERS BALL,” we wanted to evoke horror movies we grew up with on VHS, art horror of the 70’s and MTV. Everything from typeface of titles to color correction to the music we had composed contributes to that. We re–recorded the dialog so it sounds like a bad Italian dubbing, which contributes to the camp of the whole thing. A film like “real life-like” was designed with a generational character set in mind. That necessitated a pastiche of different outsiders—rebels, artists, geeks. We wanted a more natural, “realistic” feeling so we shot in our apartment and outdoors. Sometimes we obsess over details but most of the time, and more so lately, we end up liking the incidental details we didn’t plan the best. We just finished an experimental documentary called “travel slides,” that has some influences in Structuralist filmmaking as well as people like Stan Brakhage, but it’s also just an attempt to condense the experience of a road trip. Like we’re making you sit through “travel slides” as we attempt the impossible, to explain how it felt.

STREET: What are some of your influences—film and otherwise?

DH: Friends, film theory, conceptual art, social media, my high school job in a mall video store, Gus Van Sant, Andre Bazin, David Lynch, Harmony Korine, Jim Jarmusch, Kenneth Goldsmith, Jean–Luc Godard, Todd Haynes, Richard Prince, John Cage, Terrence Malick, Andy Warhol, Paul Thomas Anderson, Selena Gomez… I could keep going. Really everything we’ve ever seen or heard is an influence. There’s definitely a continuum of artists we’re working in relation to, but it’s a complete mix of all that and our surroundings. Plus, every movie we make changes how we view our own work/style/process. I also would just like to mention Walter Benjamin.

JJ: You always have to mention Benjamin. That’s a great list but I would add Sonic Youth. They have influenced a lot of our aesthetic.

STREET: What’s your filmmaking process, from initial conception to the final product?

DH: Think. Outline. Wrangle friends. Shoot. Edit.

JJ: Reach insanity.

STREET: What have been some of your favorite projects together? Least favorite? What are you working on now?

DH: They get more fun as we figure out what we need to be doing, so it’s less like we–should–prepare–every–fucking–thing–down–to–the–last–detail and more like “ready?” We stayed up for 60 hours straight to edit “GRAVEBANGERS BALL.” So that was insanely stressful and almost a breaking point, but it was also really fun to stay up stabbing chickens and looping audio at sunrise as birds were chirping in the background. We’re really bogged down by school right now, but we’re hoping to put together a longer film over the summer. We also have footage from a Mac Demarco concert at Pi Lam we need to edit. Bookmark lunarcircleproductions.com

JJ: Yeah, we’re going to update the site soon with new films. We just finished shooting a film we’re making as a sort of prequel to Gus Van Sant’s “Last Days.” That will be done soon. We had the privilege of working with Dane Mainella, Sam Horn, Emily Rea and Ben Davis on this recent project. School is not conducive to our goals right now, so we’re just trying to jump through the right hoops and make it somewhere. We want to work on a longer piece with the rest of the Lunar Circle this summer.

• a paintbrush and assorted face paints

For a pretty picture:

Our inspiration: the Art Nouveau style of art, characterized by organic swirls and floral or plant designs.

1. Take your brush and draw a line extending outward from your outer lash line. Curve upward and outward into a swirl.

2. Draw a second line from your inner lash line. Again, curve upward and outward into a swirl above the previous one.

3. Draw a third line from the inner corner of the eye, going upward and outward into a swirl above the other ones. Add additional swirls, if desired.

4. Draw a fourth line from below the middle of the eye, curving inward along the cheekbone.

5. Add additional smaller swirls below and along the side of the face. Feeling extra creative? Incorporate leaves and flowers.

For a fierce front:

Our inspiration: traditional African masks, characterized by bold lines, colors and geometric shapes.

1. Draw a thick line from the center of the forehead to the tip of the nose.

2. Continue drawing the line from the bottom of the lips to the chin.

3. Add large dots of color horizontally across the cheekbone.

4. Continue adding dots across the other cheekbone for symmetry. Snarl and yell like a true warrior.

1. Rumor, 1500 Sansom St. 
You started Fling early with a Thursday night downtown, got yourself a VIP wristband and you’ve gotten several compliments on your new dress.

2. Chancellor St. Day Party 
A mosh pit of frat tanks, cheap alcohol and endless picture–taking to prove we’re still the “Social Ivy.” You’ve been spilled on three times, and one of your friends cracked his iPhone.

3. The Quad
You attempted to sneak into Ware to visit your old room, were denied access and watched the Mask & Wig performance since you were already there.

4. Franklin Field
With a lineup like Janelle Monae, Tyga and Girl Talk, it’s hard to imagine being ANYWHERE else Saturday night (except Villanova). You have to admit, after all the hoopla, the concert was awesome! And you’re still drunk!

5. Villanova
Poll of Penn’s campus (read: guesstimate based on recent Facebook statuses) revealed Alesso > Girl Talk. You’ve enjoyed leaving the Penn Bubble but have no idea where you are. Which was your bus again?

WHERE YOU SHOULD BE (TO EAT)

1. Little Pete’s Diner, 17th and Walnut Streets
24 hours
You may be exhausted after tearing up the dance floor, but the short walk will be worth it for chicken fingers ($8), a BLT ($6) or a Cheeseburger Deluxe ($7)—each for the price of one more drink, with table service at no additional cost.

2. Allegro Pizza, 40th and Spruce Streets
11 a.m.–3 a.m.
Skip the mediocre pizza you get every weekend anyway and spring for a stromboli ($10–14) or mozzarella sticks ($6) to reenergize… and maybe help you black–in for the long day/night/weekend ahead. It’s nearby, on campus and dangerously close to Copa margaritas…

3. The Quad
Since you’re locked out of the buildings, eat your feelings and reconnect with the freshman 15. Booths will be dispersed throughout selling fried Oreos ($5), funnel cake ($5) and chili cheese fries ($5) to satisfy any mid–day cravings. Sorry upperclassmen, freshman meal swipes won’t help you here.

4. Wawa, 38th and Spruce Streets
24 hours
Savor the memories of finally seeing Girl Talk after all these years over a meatball hoagie ($) or mac and cheese ($). The Spruce favorite is a great spot to rendezvous and the snacks are crucial to help you rally for the late–nights that await in Rack Frat City.

5. Campus Corner, 829 Lancaster Ave.
11 a.m.–2 a.m.
Best to refuel before heading back—or to ensure you find your way back at all! Right on the edge of campus, Campus Corner has thick crust pizza ($12), onion rings ($4), wings ($8) and everything in between. Try to keep post–departure–FOMO to a minimum.

Lupe Fiasco: Ice Cream Sundae Bar

Tiesto: Main Audio Feed from the Stage (before the concert)