For some Penn students, junior year means one thing: the institutionalized torture that is on–campus recruiting. For other Penn students, it just doesn't. So Street decided to send three people—Drunk, High and Sober—to check it out. Here are our observations.
High:
4:28 p.m. – I have just conducted the classiest drug pick–up of my college career. The edible I’ve picked up from a friend of a friend isn’t the brownie I expected—instead, it’s a lemon cake the size of my hand that looks like it came out of a Whole Foods box.
5:04 p.m. – My head is exactly the same kind of fuzzy as the outside of a peach.
5:06 p.m. – The Goldman logo is ugly. Also ironic. Why is it a gold man? Are we all just trying to become gold men? Or does the gold take our humanity?
5:09 p.m. – Guy who is in my poetry class and unmatched me on Tinder is in front of me. Why you gotta be so cruel?
5:23 p.m. – So many fucking pinstripes I could dance in them.
5:43 p.m. – OH MY GOD THERE ARE COOKIES.
5:51 p.m. – Now my hands are oily AF. Does Goldman invest in oil??
5:55 p.m. – Are we all just pawns of a corporate machine? We make our way out.
6:00 p.m. – Everything is trying to tame us.
Sober:
5:05 p.m. – I’m late. But, since I’m not actually using this as a networking opportunity, I don’t have to run in a blazer. Yay.
5:06 p.m. – Suits. So many fucking suits.
5:10 p.m. – The music on this informational video sounds like a health class video about our changing bodies.
5:11 p.m. – This is way less interesting than a health class video about our changing bodies.
5:12 p.m. – Wow Goldman Sachs workers are really diverse!
5:12 p.m. – Not in terms of financial situation but in terms of accents.
5:28 p.m. – How diverse can Goldman employees really be if everybody comes from Penn?
5:31 p.m. – Yes Q&A time.
5:33 p.m. – Indian kids never get the scholarships :(
5:37 p.m. – Networking time. What do we do now?
5:42 p.m. – I just saw a guy with animals on his tie.
5:42 p.m. – He’s hip.
5:45 p.m. – Drunk and High are embarrassing me.
5:46 p.m. – This Indian guy approached me probably thinking, “Hey, there’s another severely underdressed brown boy!”
Drunk:
4:28 p.m. – Very sober, drinking alone in room.
5:04 p.m. – Excited to be in the fourth row, a spot sober me would never have taken, probably encouraged by alcohol consumption and the fact that the seat was in between two young men dressed up in suits.
5:05 p.m. – Not happy everyone is talking about the food. Feeling nauseous and overwhelmed, aware that this is not the place to be drunk.
5:06 p.m. – I just overheard the guy next to me say, “Wow, that guy isn’t even wearing a tie.” I guess that’s a big no no at a Goldman info sesh.
5:07 p.m. – I forgot to write my name on my name tag. “Hello my name is...” then nothing.
5:11 p.m. – I seem to be getting quite aggressive!
5:12 p.m. – “Job is defined, but impact is not.” Whoever thought of this line for that video got a pay raise #deep.
5:14 p.m. – I took a fuzzy off my shirt and put it on the pants of the guy next to me.
5:15 p.m. – Despite his qualifications, Vivek is a short man.
5:18 p.m. – Vivek said Goldman Sachs is interesting and fun. I disagree. Vivek is a lying bastard.
5:28 p.m. – How is Vivek still talking?
5:31 p.m. – Even though I have no idea what’s going on I think I should apply for a job.
5:47 p.m. – After stealing three water bottles, a coke and an avocado from the display, I have made myself a coffee and some abstract art with creamer and coffee stirrer.
5:56 p.m. – The opportunity cost of me taking the avocado vs. the opportunity cost of me not taking the avocado. Same thoughts on eating a second brownie. In both cases the opportunity cost of taking another one was lower therefore I did it. I will mention this in my Goldman interview.
6:01 p.m. – The avocado I stole is overripe. I will ask my GA for toast and use it tonight. Great cheese selection at this event. The food is better than most dining halls. Just put some cheese on my phone. It’s a cheese charcuterie plate.
6:03 p.m. – I still have a blank name tag on.
