It’s an age old question. After giving another blowjob to the guy I was seeing (but not dating) and having it end in an unpalatable load of jizz in my mouth, I found myself thinking of this question a lot. And I wasn’t the only one. “Why does yours taste so much better than mine?” Patrick (not his real name) had asked. I mentioned I eat a lot of pineapple, and so we formulated an experiment to test if that had anything to do with it. As a perfectionist engineer, I didn’t fuck around when it came to making this a highly scientific, month–long endeavor. I’m talking spreadsheets, measurements, data collection, the whole nine yards (or seven inches in our case). Here’s how it—and we—went down:
Day 1: First day of Operation Pineapple Jizz! We each ate ½ cup of pineapple chunks in the morning, but by the evening, no noticeable change in taste. I guess since blowjobs are my vice, patience really is a virtue.
Day 3: I could so get used to this blowjobs–every–day kinda thing. Still not much of a taste change though.
Day 4: This day will go down in history as the first time I got a text saying, “Yo, I need to suck your dick.” I answered, “Haha same.” I considered adding an emoji, but we’re not dating, so I didn’t.
Day 6: We upped our pineapple intake to one cup. Our plan is to increase by ½ cup every five days. This means three cups/day by the end of the month.
Day 8: Seriously considering applying for a NIH or NSF grant for this experiment because this is expensive! I’m sure my grant proposal would be unique.
Day 9: Finally noticing a significant difference in taste! The past few days have been kinda wishy–washy as to whether the pineapple made a difference or if it was just the placebo effect. I used the pineapple emoji in a text to Patrick today because it’s platonic and relevant.
Day 11: I’m literally waiting in line at the grocery store with ten pineapples in my cart trying to look as normal as possible. I feel like a math word problem. “If I buy ten pineapples and give half of them to the guy I’m blowing on the reg, how many do I have left?”
Day 13: Patrick suggested adding pineapple juice to our regimen, and I eventually obliged after explaining to this non–engineer the concept of experimental variability. He laughed and kissed me. Oh gosh, why did he do that? We’re not dating. Just blowing on the reg, right?
Day 14: I have an exam tomorrow, but instead of studying, I’m eating pineapple and giving/receiving blowjobs. Needless to say, my parents’ tuition dollars are HARD at work. Finally noticed a change in taste, though! Sweeter and less salty.
Day 16: First day of two cups. That’s a lot. I made the rookie mistake of eating it all in one sitting, and now my tongue feels tingly/numb. According to Google, this is due to a plant protease enzyme called bromelain that’s found in pineapple.
Day 17: Starting to get real sick and tired of pineapple. I mean, I already proved my hypothesis that pineapple does positively affect semen flavor, but like I’ll keep going for the BJs.
Day 20: Taste has been pretty consistent for the past few days now. Could there be a threshold over which eating more pineapple has no effect on my jizz?
Day 25: Both of us have been consistently ejaculating jizz that not only tastes better but straight up tastes like pineapple for the past week now.
Day 27: Wow. Second day of three cups aka a whole pineapple, and holy fuck, my stomach hurts. Patrick and I are both so well acquainted with each other’s penises by now that we are very efficient in our data collection.
Day 29: While looking at our nearly–complete spreadsheet, I tell Patrick it’s time for me to go to bed, and he says “Me too!” and hops into my bed. He’s never stayed over before because we’re not dating. Why am I so excited? Why is my heart beating so fast? Why is he holding my hand? Are we still not dating? Is he asking himself any of these questions?
Day 30: The last day of the experiment. Safe to say that pineapple does indeed make jizz taste better after about a week or so of consistent consumption. While texting Patrick that evening, he says, “That was fun haha but I need a break.” A break from what? Pineapple? Blowjobs? (As if!) Me? So like all good scientific experiments, this one left me with more questions than answers.
