My first kiss was at a Jewish summer camp. My second was at the Maccabi games. Do you see a pattern here? I love me some good Hebrew National salami. Let me spell it out for you: I’m addicted to Jewish boys. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t blow a goyim’s shofar, but I prefer my hotdogs without a bun. My appetite for members of the tribe was satiated at Penn as Jewish boys abound (#blessed). You can’t swing a grogger on this campus without knocking off a metaphorical yarmulke. (To the shiksas out there: it's a thing you shake during Purim.)
Face it: we all want to marry a nice guy who loves his family, is funny and has a lucrative career in the future on lock. Yes, he may be only 5’5”, but he played point–guard for his high school basketball team and that counts for something, right?
Jewish boys know the importance of family. A close extended family is ingrained in Jewish culture. Cousins act as role models and support systems and without them, who’s going to hoist you up in the chair at your Bar Mitzvah? Also, a closer extended family means more bar mitzvah checks, and Jews are always thinking about ways to make a buck, which your JBae will later spend on you!
The first time I woke up in a guys bed at Penn, I was pleased to discover his impressive home decor. My exact thought process went something like "It looks like a PB Teen calogoue threw up in here. This must be the work of a Jewish mother.” Speaking of moms, being a mama’s boy is basically a prerequisite for any true Jewish guy. We'll count that as a pro, but there’s definitely a line. Mom sending him new clothes from the Barney’s holiday sale: good. Mom buying his condoms: bad.
Another great thing about Jewish guys? Jewish humor. I like it a latke. Think about some of most successful comedians and you’re sure to find some Israelites. Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart—is anyone else aroused? Mask and Wig and Simply Chaos are packing some serious heat, so if your JDate doesn’t work out, give them a challah.
At Penn, we’re lucky. Judaism extends far beyond those Scarsdale boys in off–campus frats who went to Greylock. During NSO, a steamy Latin hunk charmed me with his accent. We later reconnected on a Birthright trip after my sophomore year. Penn has a hidden trove of spicy South American Jews just waiting to be discovered. Many reign from Colombia and often have beach houses in Miami—both of which aren’t bad options for a Yom Kippur getaway. These international gems can be found in Huntsman, as they usually study finance.
With any luck, in a couple of years, my man will have amassed enough money to buy that perfect brownstone on the Upper West Side. It's there that we'll host Shabbat dinners, have children, send them to Horace Mann, grow old together and then die.
