1. Run away from zombies: It'll make your adrenaline spike so much that you won’t even realize you just got a killer workout. Goodbye brain eating undead creatures, hello toned calves.
2. Steal from the elderly: They’re usually deficient in at least two senses anyway, so they won’t even notice if you take a TV or a nice antique end table. Better yet, steal the elderly. Added challenge: swap people from different nursing homes. If you get caught, run. Free cardio.
3. Get drunk and fuck shit up: A lot of people go to the gym to take kickboxing classes, but you can get the same workout for free by getting belligerently drunk and then picking fights with people.
4. Do your kegels: Lowbrow is working out right now.
5. Beef up your diet: Try to only consume heavy food (whole watermelons, fully grown cows, etc.) so that even when you’re eating you’re building muscle.
6. Try weird sex things: Cosmo says that sex burns 75 calories an hour, but you can burn way more calories by doing the kinky shit. Have your partner tie you up and sing tribal chants backward as you try to break free. Make sure to engage your core.
