Oh, you’re “really into Chobani”? That’s cool. Now shut the fuck up while we talk about ‘90s yogurt. The yogurt of today is lacking, and we're angry. Your probiotic–yakult fuckery can’t even touch my Gogurt. Even the name oozes genius. It’s yogurt that you can eat on the go. Get it? Of course you don’t, it’s over your head. There's no more pleasant sensation in the world than sucking sweet, strawberry–flavored, liquified yogurt from a tube.
Gogurt was the best part of your lunch, don’t even front. Question: What’s the best part of your lunch now? Answer: No one fucking cares because it’s not Gogurt.
Dannon Sprinklins was also yogo dope. No one is on the sprinkle game now. Show me someone who doesn’t think yogurt is better with sprinkles on it and I’ll show you a fucking idiot. Sprinkles makes everything better, son.
Trix yogurt is also a thing that changed lives. The mastermind rabbits who concocted Trix yogurt inexplicably managed to turn a mediocre cereal into a trill–ass yogurt. And it was swirled, so you really got the best of both worlds. Respect.
One word, made of two words: Danimals. It had pictures of animals. That’s a goddamn tragedy and we at Lowbrow won’t stand for it. You know what Danimals always had on its packaging? Pictures of animals. #Animalyogurtsmatter.
Are you still sucking down pints of Greek yogurt because you think it’ll cure your yeast infection? Because it won't.Grow the fuck up and throw that shit away. ‘90s yogurt or no yogurt. Suck my Gogurt.
