Aries:
Keep the eyes of love open, for Saturn’s moons will open the doors of the heart on the 15th. Not around the 15th -- on the 15th. At 5 p.m. at that weird arcade your friends dragged you to. His name will be Jim. He is in some frat, I forget which one, but he seems really nice. He also plays the trumpet, which is quirky and different. You will date for a little over 3 months. You feel bad breaking up with him because you really like his mom, Annie. But the heart wants what it wants.
Taurus:
Business opportunities will come with the waxing moon. But not for you. For that guy Robert in accounting. Yeah, he is always stealing your hummus out of the fridge, but your boss doesn’t know that. Plus he managed the Henderson account, but we all know you were really the backbone of that restructuring.
Gemini:
As the twins, duality is always in your stars, unfortunately, in this case, you're headed for a really weird threesome.
Cancer:
You’re going to feel sort of headachey and tired on the morning of the 23rd, and it’s probably nothing, but it might be the start of a flu, so you’ll call in sick just in case. You will make several ebola jokes. None will be funny.
Leo:
You will soon be travelling across the sea.. Oh did I say sea? I meant body of water. It’s a lake. You are going to Minnesota.
Virgo:
As you are in the house of the rising sun, get that banjo out. It’s open mic night.
Libra:
Try a new hobby for the upcoming month. The hobby is going to be hot yoga. You are gonna hate it. You will slowly realize that women who are into hot yoga are also the worst and your knees do not actually bend that way. You will give up that hobby and just order Grubhub and watch John Oliver.
Scorpio:
Run. Run now. They’re already coming. Drop the magazine or computer, and run as fast and as far as you can.
Sagittarius:
Be careful, Jupiter is rising and that means family trouble. We all know Uncle Sammy likes to have a little too much to drink, and at Thanksgiving he’s going to make a bunch of off-color jokes and share his opinion of “the blacks” while everybody cringes and hopes he’ll just shut up. And then Lindsey is going to have to get in a fight with him, because Lindsey just can’t let anything go. Wow, good for you Lindsey, we’re all really proud that you took a sociology class.
Capricorn:
You will meet a mysterious stranger when he stops to ask you for directions. You will not give him accurate directions. He will wind up in the wrong food court, and be very disappointed that there is no Panda Express.
Aquarius:
Mercury is falling in your sign, so watch out, because your deadbeat ex-boyfriend is going to hit you up for a “short-term loan” to “invest” in his nouveau Indonesian food truck that only cooks with sustainable, locally grown artichokes. He’s from Connecticut and knows nothing about Indonesian food. Like, what the fuck is he thinking? He really needs to get his life together.
Pisces:
In the upcoming weeks you will be invited to submit a shoutout. You will. #synergy
