To the Tier Three Fraternities: Must be nice up there. Love, Castle.
To the Tier Four Fraternities: Must be nice up there. Love, Castle.
To the bouncer at Rumor: Yeah, like anyone is over 21 here.
To the kid in my negotiations class who offered to trade me a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese for my yarmulke: Use your noodle.
To Chi O: More like Jai Ho!
To everyone with an equals sign as their profile picture: Stop mixing math and social activism.
To the SDT girls going vegan to lose weight: Please stop: your leggings will fall down.
To all Pottruckers: Am I the only one deeply disturbed by the naked old ladies that roam the women’s lockers?
To that guy that tried to finger me during NSO: Not surprised you were cut from A’s.
To those pre–frosh who constantly posted on the Facebook groups: Are you embarrassed now?
To My Virginity: So long, and thanks for all the stress and masturbation.
To those protesting Tyga: It’s good to know that, in a world full of injustices, it was a rapper’s lyrics about tits that put you over the edge.
To the gingers on campus: Why do you ALL wear orange?
To the TEP boy who plays basketball: I think you joined the wrong frat.
To the Pikapp pledge who hooked up with my 14–year–old sister: Prom 2016?
To the rich co–eds who paint their faces and pretend to be bohemian: Your privilege is showing.
To everyone who thinks they're a DJ: You’re not.
To everyone covered in powder two weeks ago: You don’t fucking get me. –Holi
To Cashmere Sweater Comedy: I’ll Venmo you both a dollar if you put this in shoutouts. (EDITOR’S NOTE: We're cheap.)
To the kid who kept me from climbing that forklift during fling: Thank you.
To all the girls standing in line at Sweetgreen on fling Sunday: That salad won’t undo the double order of fried Oreos and 20 shots you took this weekend.
To Simply Chaos: We don’t get it.
To the vegan girl who ruins all of our events trying to force everyone else to be healthy like you and love the earth: Just try bacon… just try it once, just to see how it feels…
To the sig–delt S.W.U.G.S: So When U Gettin Some??
To the Jew in Onda Latina: You’re an orthoFOX
To Hampton the chow chow: You are the only cute boy on this campus.
To Penn Admirers, Penn Compliments, Penn Secrets, Penn Hearts, Penn Stories, Penn Guy, Penn Socialize, Penn Crushes, etc.: This isn’t penntertaining anymore.
To the Oztitutes: I hope your Oz beaus have the money to buy you some self–respect.
To the guy next door who apologized for any noises we hear coming from his bedroom: We’ve heard nothing. Ever.
To my friend who woke up in an RV last Fling with a turkey baster in his hand: Did you artificially inseminate anyone with it?
To the hot blonde in my Linguistics recitation: Will you help me turn my alveolar ‘d’ into a bilabial ejective?
To the girl who complimented me on “opening up my stride” as I sprinted down Walnut at 2 a.m.: Thanks coach, let’s hit the showers?
CHECK BACK AT 2:00 FOR THE FINAL ROUND OF SHOUTOUTS
