Like every male student at Penn, I have spent many depressing hours trying on my dad's condoms in public bathrooms, attempting to enlarge my penis with a paper towel roll and a vacuum cleaner, performing different yoga postures in attempts to give myself head and masturbating to alligator week on Animal Planet. And if the girls on campus are anything like my sisters, they have been caught on security cameras misusing their tampons, drawing pornographic stick figures on their to-do lists, and masturbating to alligator week on Animal Planet.
We are obviously obsessed with sex. So why can't we all just go out and get laid? The answer is much too obvious. Only one thing denies pitiful college students glorious and meaningful lives of sexual indulgence: money. Nevertheless, with my advice, even the stingiest of students will soon get play.
How to Get Laid on a College Budget...
1) Lower your standards. Male and female teens are entirely too concerned about the persons (and objects) with whom they have sex. Frankly, the people deemed attractive, normal and "not the type likely to have large colonies of pea-sized dwarves living in their pubic hair" tend to be difficult to bed. Such people have been around the sexual block and may demand the aforementioned courting, foreplay and money. These individuals are selfish and must be harpooned. Remember, awkward, unattractive people usually have sex organs too. That is, my studies have found that an M&T female is just as likely to have a vagina as is an attractive Tri-Delt girl. Smart people know, however, that the M&T student is the better catch. Such a person will not demand the frivolous "luxuries" demanded by the "cool" sister. The kicker is that both types can be fucked. Look for desperate people. They are no-nonsense and inexpensive to bed.
2) Be creative. Universally accepted methods of birth control such as condoms and diaphragms are too expensive for college students; one must be creative. Instead of a condom, try using a sandwich bag lined with Crisco. For a diaphragm, perhaps a well-lodged orange peel will do the trick. Worried about birth control? Test the placebo effect. Be creative and think un(re)productive thoughts.
3) Refuse to pay. Being cheap can sometimes involve the art of prevarication and skullduggery. Let's say, for example, that you look up a Korean Spa in the back of Citypaper and decide to indulge in a `full body shampoo.' You head on down and get a total lube and wax-job. Then you remember that you're a cheap bastard and didn't even bring your wallet with you. It's time to bust out with the Philadelphia City Health Code Statutes and point to all the possible infractions that could have them shut down. (The initials INS might also get them nervous.) Then, casually saunter out through the front entrance. Then book it.
The moral of the story is that absolutely everyone can have cheap sex. Good luck, and keep screwing up.
Thomas MaMairdon is a Wharton junior concentrating in finance. When his nine-year subscription to Boobs & Booty expired five weeks ago, MaMairdon began growing potatoes in his basement in order to start the nation's first erotic potato chip company. His e-mail address is tmama@wharton.upenn.edu. His cat's name is Portnoy.
