LowbrowFebruary 14, 2013 at 6:09 am

The Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

6:59 a.m.

You wake up and your alarm hasn’t gone off yet. The snooze button isn’t working! Oh my God! This is the worst! You go to unplug your alarm and you get a little bit electrocuted, but you’re okay! Just that little buzz that reminds you to be careful!

7:00 a.m.

You step out of bed and you step right onto a skateboard and lose your balance and fall. Now you’re back in bed! You slowly drift back off to sleep.

11:39 a.m.

Oh shit! You’re late! You fell back asleep and your alarm was unplugged. Who unplugs their alarm?!

11:40 a.m.

Well, fuck this, you should just go back to bed.

12:06 p.m.

Okay, time to wake up.

12:07 p.m.

You can do this, put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed.

12:08 p.m.

BONK! Your shelf came loose and it hit you on head. You see stars. Then you pass out.


10 missed calls from your mom. You have a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” text from no one.


Does it even make sense to try and get up at this point? It’s dark. Maybe you should just try again tomorrow…

5:30 p.m.

You fell asleep again. You know when you sleep so much that you’re too tired to not be asleep? That’s what happened to you.

5:35 p.m.

Valentine’s Day is pretty much over—forget about asking that cute girl/boy in your ECON 101 recitation out for a date. You are a total schmuck/schmuckess.Now it’s time to dust off that VHS of “When Harry Met Sally” and go to town on that tub of chunky monkey.

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