It’s going to be the best time of your life: We were freshmen when your father said he could spend the rest of his life with me until death or incarceration do us part. Beneath those Locust lights, I knew he was the one.
So will go the bedtime stories of the future wearers of “I met my spouse at Penn!” buttons. While setting holographic alarm clocks and tucking 1000 thread–count sheets below the chins of their privately educated children, Proud Penn Spouses will tell their tales of Walnut Street wooing and courting by the compass. And the fantasy will persist for another generation.
What they’ll leave out is the ugly side of the fairy tale. The wild and heartbreaking stories of Baptist church sex and V–cards accidentally swiped. The 95% of seniors resigned to graduating alone. The relationships with expiration dates, the bitter single WASPs and 4 a.m. handjobs in the bushes outside McNeil. The suffocating invisibility of being alone, the first dates at Chili’s and the raging DFMO addicts don’t make for such a happy ending.
What they do make for is the college experience, in all of its twisted glory. Street asked you to tell us about your love lives and tell you did. We hope you achieved some level of catharsis between writing us soul–crushing, hundred–word mini-essays about that one guy that ruined your life and that story of the time a girl abroad made you bleed (sorry). We compiled your answers and close to 300 of you responded. You had some really interesting (read: bizarre, poignant, tragic) things to say.
Future spouse–button–wearers, shield your virgin eyes.
*Ed note: all components in this introduction are based off of data collected in the following survey.
“Yes.. He was the first guy I’ve ever kissed. When he broke up with me I couldn’t move or breathe for months. I guess that’s what love feels like.” Male, Junior
“No, most girls at Penn are like day-old coffee: stale and not hot.” Male, Sophomore
“No, who the hell are you going to love here?” Female, Junior
“Yeah, my TA wouldn’t have an affair with me “Female, Junior
“This girl in SDT found out that I wasn’t Jewish and stopped hooking up with me.” Male, Sophomore
“I’ve found guys enjoy trying to maximize profits across the board rather than watching just one
“Currently on a break with carbs.” Male, Freshman
“STALKING.” MALE, SENIOR
“You know that phrase “living pay-check to pay-check”…? That’s my relationship status (and of course I mean that as a metaphor for getting some, not that I’m a prostitute).” Female, Freshman
“Single. I’m thinking of buying two cats: lonesome and solitude.” Female, Sophomore
If taken, how long do you think it will last?
“All I could say is: Honestly, I could spend an eternity with this girl, and she would continue to surprise me in every way.” Male, Freshman
“Until death or incarceration do us part. I am NOT a ride or die chick.” Female, Senior
“For 8 more days. Then I will end my relationship with my girlfriend to start a new one with the lady whom I fell in love with instantly.” Male, Freshman
Describe Penn’s dating culture in one sentence.
“Sloppy, grimy fluid exchange.” Female, Junior
“Difficult for WASPs.” Female, Senior
“Too many gays. Not enough time.” Male, Junior
“DFMO (PRONOUNCED DIF-MO)” Female, Sophomore
“Everyone is scared.” Female, Sophomore
“You’re either in a serious relationship and everyone hates you, or you’re not and you hate yourself.” Female, Sophomore
“Kind of hard with OCR.” Male, Junior
“Brief interviews with hideous men.” Female, Junior
“Are you Jewish?” Female, Freshman
“No, I need a strong man solid in his relationship with Jesus who is ready to commit himself to loving the Lord and me.” Female, Senior
“I don’t think my parents will let me graduate until I come home with my own pair of matzo balls.” Female, Freshman
“DEFINITELY. IF I’M PAYING 50K A YEAR TO ATTEND PENN, I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A WHARTON MRS. DEGREE.” FEMALE, FRESHMAN
“No. It’s hard out here for a pimp. (More specifically, Penn’s dating culture fosters a belief that you will always be alone until you aren’t.)” Male, Sophomore
“No. I just don’t think girls here are picking up what I’m putting down. I’m also a guy and decidedly not from Miami, Manhattan or Southern California.” Male, Junior
Weirdest place you ever hooked up?
“Movie theater during ‘The Spongebob Movie.’” Female, Junior
“Let’s just say the Ben Franklin bench isn’t as bad as it sounds.” Male, Freshman
“OUTSIDE OF MCNEIL—A HANDJOB IN THE BUSHES @ 4AM ON A SPRING NIGHT FRESHMAN YEAR.” FEMALE, SENIOR
“I had one of the best orgasms of my life in the bathroom in Harnwell’s rooftop lounge.” Female, Senior
“M&T office. Free printing AND a blowjob?” Male, Senior
“On the back porch of a Baptist Church in the back woods of a hick town in the farmlands surrounding Scranton, Pennsylvania.” Male, Junior
“STAIRWELL OF THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S REPUBLICAN CLUB IN NYC.” MALE, SENIOR
“Full on intercourse in Rittenhouse Square. TOP THAT.” Male, Junior
“In a field on a hunting reserve. There was periodic gunfire around us the whole time.” Female, Sophomore
Do you have a romance-related message for anyone at Penn?
“NOTICE ME.” Female, Sophomore
“TO MY GIRLFRIEND: I WANT YOU TO BE THE WOMAN I WANT TO MARRY, BUT YOU AREN’T… NOT YET.” MALE, SOPHOMORE
“To the guy who used carrot sticks as bait to bring me back to his room during NSO Freshman year: I giggle inside every time I see you.” Female, Junior
“Dear girl, we were never friends, but we know each other. Your boyfriend has been cheating on you with me and probably other girls. I was enjoying the sex when I thought you weren’t seriously dating, but now that I know, I’m on your team. We are both better than him.” Female, Junior
“To the only guy who could look sexy while driving old ladies in a golf cart, happy 6 months and here’s to many more.” Female, Senior
SEE THE REST HERE!
“Probably not. I’m ambitious and self-centered like most Penn kids. I’d like to but I’m not going to cry my eyes out over it.” Female, Junior
“I am totally getting married and having all of the Babies. I want to be married and Pregnant by 2015.” Female, Junior
“Yes, but not until I’m like 34, and hopefully not to someone over 24.” Male, Senior
“YEAAAAAAAAAH. But only if I get to wear a suit too.” Female, Junior
“Yes. Oh yes. It suits my political ambitions.” Male, Sophomore
“Yes. I’m Indian. I don’t really have any other option.” Female, Freshman
“HA. YOU CAN’T EAT AT THE BUFFET IF YOU’RE HANDCUFFED TO YOUR OWN DINNER TABLE.” FEMALE, FRESHMAN
“Yes. To a gold-digging whore who only marries me for my money.” Male, Sophomore
“Yes because I want to take my kids to little league.” Male, Freshman
Weirdest first date?
“Grindr.” Male, Senior
”I THOUGHT WE WERE NETWORKING…” FEMALE, FRESHMAN
“GSR 343.” Male Senior
“A guy tried to take me on a first date to the food court next to CVS. Derp derp derp.” Female, Senior
“Chaperoned bowling.” Female, Freshman
“Commons slop” Male, Freshman
Define love in one sentence.
“Sharing the last bite of Chicken Tikka Masala.” Female, Sophomore
“Love is losing logic.” Female, Sophomore
“Love is sober shower sex.” Female, Senior
“Buying my girlfriend fiber pills for Valentine’s day.” Male, Senior
“YOU DON’T FEEL DISGUSTING AFTER YOU CUM.” MALE, SENIOR
”A blowie in the back of the cab if he pays for dinner.” Male, Junior
“I think you accidentally typed a question mark at the end of a declarative statement.” Female, Sophomore
Worst hook-up at Penn?
“He tried to substitute lube with conditioner. Shit burns and tastes awful” Female, Senior
“I only hook up with hot and talented people.” Male, Junior
“I have had so many boys come in 30 seconds I cannot even begin to tell you. It’s happened maybe 40% of the time with new boys.” Female, Senior
“Atlantis stripper and the free cheesesteak. More like greatest shakedown.” Male, Senior
“Hooked penis” Female, Sophomore
“‘Calm down if I was going to rape you I would have done it already’ …I hope that speaks for itself.” Female, Senior
“I don’t remember the majority.” Female, Junior
“This was abroad, but she had really sharp nails and was ‘down there.’ There was blood involved…” Female, Junior
Biggest romantic regret at Penn?
“I took a boy’s v-card without realizing it. He really regretted it afterwards and I still feel a bit guilty about it.” Female, Junior
“Not having sex with a girl (yet).” Female
“Hooking up with my crush and then accidentally texting him instead of my best friend that his penis is average.” Female, Sophomore
“I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE AN ORGY IN HUNTSMAN WHILE WEARING A POWER TIE AND A FREDDY KREUGER MASK. THE FUN KIND OF ORGY, NOT THE WEIRD KIND.” MALE, JUNIOR.
“That one time freshman year when I accidentally slept with a suspected Nazi.” Female, Junior
“Being too ‘busy’ to give it a shot” Female, Sophomore
Most romantic gesture at Penn?
“Asked my girl out under the lights on the walk, on a knee.” Male, Freshman
“He wanted to hook up again in the morning, sober.” Female, Freshman
“My boyfriend brought me flowers when I had to go to the hospital because I got a leaf in my eye.” Female, Sophomore