OCR: Oh crap! Right? Don’t worry! Getting a job is easy! Did you know some monkeys have jobs? Lowbrow knows a lot about how to get a job. We have had several jobs in our lives and we, combined, have made over $1,000. Therefore, you ought to trust our judgment. The number–one best way to get a job is to stand out from other applicants.
Wear something a little bit different: be professional, but memorable.
Wonka hat: $20. Moustache sunglasses: $10. Body paint: priceless.
Print your resume on matzah:
Reading resumes is tiring work—allow your recruiter the opportunity for a snack.
Print your cover letter on the margins of a $100 bill:
It will a) show that you have a lot of disposable income, which means you’ve had business success in the past; b) show that you’re a fucking baller; c) make you look clever because it’s Ben Franklin, which is perfect because you go to Penn, so hilarious and clever; d) function as a bribe.
Utilize your network:
Go online and find a Penn alum that works in your desired field. Now all that’s left to do is impress the alum. There’s one easy way to do this. Two words: Edible. Arrangement. Why say “hire me” with words when you could say it with fruit? Yeah, we know. Genius.
THE SUBLIMINAL WORD USE
1. Use words you want associated with you:
Weak: “For the above reasons I’m a great candidate.”
Strong: “I am great. There are things in this world that are great, and I, [insert name] am great. Great.”
2. Give commands:
Weak: “I’d appreciate it if you’d direct your attention to this part of my résumé…”
Strong: “You must look here.” (Point to the part of the resume you want them to see.)
3. Use alliteration.
Weak: “Hire me.”
Strong: “Hi. Hopefully happy that you will have hired me by hamburger hour [lunch].”
THE LAST RESORT
Buy a billboard in Times Square: If you want a job in NYC, then use the greatest marketing tool that exists on the planet: billboards. This is super logical and we can’t believe this doesn’t happen more. Think about it: an executive who works in the business/financial sector is going out to a Broadway show and a fancy night on the town. He or she looks up and thinks “Oh my gosh! There’s a candidate that has all the skills I like in a new hire.” Why go to them when you could have them coming to you?
Utilize the power of psychology: As we all know from studying psychology, our brains are susceptible to subliminal messages. So send some! While you’re in your interview, constantly tap your finger in the following pattern:
Your interviewer will be overcome with a sudden and inexplicable urge to hire you. If you’re too nervous about tapping, you can always blink in this pattern.
Now, as good as Lowbrow is at getting jobs, we’ve made some mistakes in the past.
TIPS FOR WHAT TO AVOID
Do NOT show up at your employer’s house dressed in all black just because you happened to be in the neighborhood and you wanted to come by and drop off an Edible Arrangement and when you noticed the lights were off you thought it would be more polite to just climb in through a window and leave the arrangement in the living room.
Do NOT make racist jokes.
Do NOT make sexist jokes.
Just DON’T make jokes.
Do NOT point at anyone and laugh. Keep your fingers in your pockets at all times.
Do NOT assume your interviewer knows Nepalese.