LowbrowFebruary 14, 2013 at 5:22 am

Learn to Say I Love You—In Ten Steps or Less

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU:

1. Try to get it sent in a Penn alert.

2. Carve it into a tree (NOT A BONSAI TREE).

3. Softly with Marvin Gaye/Barry White mashup playing in the background.

4. Te amo.

5. T’estimo.

6. J’taime.

7. 我爱炸鸡

8. Or literally any other languages that your partner SPEAKS.

HOW NOT TO SAY I LOVE YOU:

1. Do not say “I do not love everyone but you.”

2. Do not put it on a cookie, a cake, a hamburger or a pizza. Or the Jumbotron.

3. Do not put it in this font: ♠ ¤↑©≡ »↑◊.

4. Do not whisper it on a windy day.

5. Do not make it the end of an elaborate scavenger hunt.

6. Do not have it tattooed on your lover’s body while they’re sleeping.

7. Do not read it from your hand.

8. Do not send it in a reply all to a listserv.

9. Do not write it in blood. Any kind of blood.

10. Make sure you do not say “I love you” in the same breath as any word that starts with “c–” and ends in “unt.”

 

HOW TO REACT TO SOMEONE SAYING HE/SHE LOVES YOU:

1. Say: “I love you too”…duh.

 

HOW NOT TO REACT TO SOMEONE SAYING HE/SHE LOVES YOU

1. “Hold on, what did you say? I was reading 34th Street Magazine.”

2. “Say that again? Sorry, I was distracted by that really attractive person walking by.”

3. “I’m asexual.”

4. “I’m polyamorous.”

5. “I’m in love with a stripper.”

6. “I know you’re a stripper, but I’m in love with that other stripper.”

7. “Get in line.”

8. “Who?”

9. “Me too.”

10. “Wait… what was your name again?”

 
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