FeatureFebruary 14, 2013 at 5:00 am


Printed exactly as received. The full list.

Do you have a romance-related message for anyone at Penn?






I’m sorry I never told you the truth, and part of me still loves you.


Amanda Shulman- you are the creme to my brûlée




Do you.


I have crushes on too many guys to single any one out.






To Colette Bloom:  I try to be more indie and alternative everyday to catch your eye but nothing seems to work.


To my ex– Don’t fuck girls in my sorority when you aren’t over me.


when you feel like shit, check the drunk/rolling texts he/she sent you. also fatbooth pictures of him/her.


Glad to have found you as far from the world as agreeing with it.


I miss our drunken sleepovers and sober awkwardness. Can we go back to that?


I love you so much belly!!!!!!!!!!


Dump the girl friend, let’s date. We are way to good together.


“I saw this on a fake Valentine’s day card recently:

I wanted to wish you a happy Valentine’s Day, but if this card isn’t going to get you naked, I really don’t see the point.

My applicable version:

I would acknowledge you on Valentine’s Day, but if you still aren’t going to sleep with me, I really don’t see the point. ”


I love you, Chloe


I’m in love with like 27 of you and I don’t know if I have the heart to tell 24 of you about it. I think I already told 3 of you about it when I was drunk, but I can’t be sure.








To the guy who used carrot sticks as bait to bring me back to his room during NSO Freshman year: I giggle inside every time I see you walking around with your girlfriend.


suck my blood, sarah richter


I’ll ask you out. One day.




Ali Kokot you are magnificent.




“To the past – small part of me will always love you, I always thought you were amazing even when you weren’t, and I wish you the best of happiness.

To the future – I’m looking forwards to meeting you”




You make me believe in love again.


im ready for a relationship!


LMS if ur DTF 2nite.


You were the first boy I ever had a crush on at Penn. You were cute with a beard and some southern charm. You were also smart, funny and environmentally conscious. We were always friendly and flirty drunk and even made out one time, so I mustered up the courage and asked you if you wanted to get lunch. As a girl, this is the only time I’ve ever asked a guy out. You agreed enthusiastically… but then stood me up. The next time we saw each other out, you rescheduled the plans but when the time came bailed at the last minute again. The mixed signals you gave me were confusing and hurtful. Then, within a few months, you had come out publicly as gay even though I never heard it from you. This was a while ago, we have a lot mutual friends and you and I are on good terms, but I wish you had apologized to me at the time for leading me on or told me after you came out. It takes guts to ask someone out and you are the biggest crush I’ve had at Penn.


To the boy in saint a’s that wears glasses and is a beautiful blonde…get to know me? Or this boy in zete… hopefully I meet you.


I liked you and I think you know who you are.


To the guys of ZBT, don’t take advice from each other about girls- you’re all clueless!


“Dear Drew Crockett,

My only wish is that one day you’ll invite me into the truck. ”






you smell like a flower…….


I hope I don’t hold onto the the idea of you as possible. I know that “you and I” are never going to happen. I don’t even know that I would want it to, now that we’ve reached a new normal (even though, if you think about it, it’s definitely NOT normal). Sometimes I catch myself wondering why you make the occasional nice gesture, and I end up feeling worse about myself for even thinking about you. I don’t want you to hold me back. But I still can’t seem to play out a scenario that ends without you in my life. Part of me wishes that one of us was ballsy enough to bring it up, but the bigger part of me is afraid that there’s nothing to be said about it. The closest I can get to being the “ballsy” one is to appeal to anyone who may be reading this and wondering whether it was written about you: talk to her about it.

To the ogre in APES – locking a girl in your room isn’t romantic.


you broke my heart and now you have a girlfriend. so why do you still text me in the middle of the night all the time? it’s not cute.




Helloooo Sunshine!


Boys @ Penn:

Not every girl wants to marry you.  Some of us just want to get laid too. Listen to us.




Penn is not conducive to dating.


people give up too easily sometimes but usually it ends up working out


“1. Fuck you, fuck your tendencies, fuck your false pretense of innocence because you know exactly what you’re doing.

2. I don’t know what’s going to happen but this time I’m not giving myself the chance to screw it up. I’m holding back. Until it feels right.”




Nope. My boyfriend is the one and only!


Stop playing games with my heart (dick).




Hillel, get your shit together


guy have cooties


If you complained to my friend about seeing me with someone else, then why did you stop talking to me?


I think you’re fucking hot! And I had a really great time. Round two? ;)


Thanks for being you.


I used to love her.




nah fuck you dicks.




I’d have slept with you ages ago if you’d just tweeze your damn eyebrows.


To the 2 separate guys I slept with who later told me I’d taken their virginity… Um, it would have been polite for you to tell me beforehand.


Canadian Idol, so not cool to give me your number, then not respond.  That cartilage piercing had me hooked.


Just give up


Seriously just grow a set!


Vagina is pronounced “wagina” in latin and means “sword sheathe.”  Now, to all the boys at Penn: learn where a clitoris is and insert your sword (but calling it a sword is really gracious, it’s more like a butter knife)


Shout out to the Sammy guy who I’ve had a crush on since last year. You real cute.

Gross frat boys: stop dancing up on me at parties while I’m just trying to have a nice time with my gay guy friend


Not really.


Get over your high school girlfriends.


There is this guy who knows who I am. He says hi to me every time I see, he doesn’t know I am super into him.


If you weren’t in a relationship, I’d date you so hard.


Wish you would follow your heart more and less to what your friends say; sometimes what is right for your friends is not what is right for you. Don’t let someone who can make you happy get away.


Your dick is big but your heart is small




When are we going to ouvrir cette bouteille?


I hope you’re thesis gives head as well I as I did.


Yes- I’m really frustrated at a guy i was formerly hooking up with. he’s being really touchy about it since i ended it.


To my ex-roommate, you’re actually the worst, and the sex wasn’t even that good.


You are so bad in bed, it’s unbelievable. Let’s be honest you had no idea what you were doing. My clitoris isn’t a start button so stop smashing it in the hopes it’ll turn me on, because it doesnt.


hi, please notice me at the DP. I think you’re super funny and love talking to you!


To the senior in Human Evolution last semester with the desert boots and the cute smile: just love me.


Stop being ambiguous!


to my PQ leader: LET’S FUCKING GO. and i don’t mean hiking.




To the senior in Human Evolution last semester with the desert boots and the cute smile: just love me.


That football player who kind of looks like a bear? Call me.






PFM I love you.




To the Phi Delt who made my best friend cry: you are a sucky person, and I hope your penis gets chopped off with a weed-whacker.




seth has glasses


Sex has actually meaning. Fuck you


To the hot Penn Alumni MD at my OCR finals dinner: you could leverage my capital structure any day.




Please tell Phi Delta Theta’s dog that I like it ruff!


There’s an unbelievable amount of girls in the senior class that I’ve found amazing that I would do anything to take on a date. The things stopping me are the fact that we are in different social scenes at Penn and because I don’t want to lead you on into thinking we’ll date, I just want to get to know you better and make out on your doorstep after the date.


I don’t


You would get laid a lot more often if you valued a girl for who she was. You don’t need to be in a relationship with her because there are plenty of girls who are looking for a guy to consistently hook up with.


To the kid who had Green/Teal hair last year: me likes you ;)


no… they’ve already received them through my drunk texts


I’m sorry for my alcohol fueled aggression.


Guys, chivalry did not die. Step it up.


You weren’t patient enough with me! I didn’t know what I was doing, and you were the one person I trusted here. I was so hurt when you stopped talking to me.


I still really like that guy that turned me down last semester.




I need more hot guys in my life! Guys at the gym– this one’s for you.


Golden boy, you are perfect. Whenever I receive a hug from you, it takes all my strength not to melt. I know you are focused on your studies, and that’s great, but if you ever need a study break, I got you, babe. Don’t ever change, and please don’t be alarmed as I stare into those beautiful green eyes.


Your penis was as dysfunctional as your idea of a relationship is.


I need a girl to fuck.


I’m sorry Isaac.


I have a lot of crushes on people who don’t know who I am.


I love you _____


Don’t be naive and before expressing your feeling make sure they’re mutual!




To the kid who declared his love for me by saying, “Should I stop by the quad on my way home to fuck you?”– not smooth


Even though I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend, I know you still think of me like I think of you. I know you haven’t forgotten what happened between us a few months ago. Sometimes I think we should just dump our significant others and get together for real.


Go to Smokes if you’re horny. Go downtown if you want to be asked on a date.




I wish I didn’t have to end us.  I wish we could have been happy together.  I wish you had written that song sooner.  I wish you truly knew how much I still love you.  I wish my love for you wasn’t changing.


Penn athletes– share the love! I am looking at you, Catholic boys.


To the only guy who could look sexy while driving old ladies in a golf cart, happy 6 months and here’s to many more.


You can’t tell me you need space after we haven’t seen each other for a month. And yes, those are the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. But that doesn’t make the words untrue. Also, your chin strap facial hair is unattractive and now I see that.


I’m totally worth the wait until the commitment.


I love Greenbutt


To the face-eater: Stop. Just stop. Chin hickeys are completely unacceptable.


at least i’m prettier than her.


To any guys who might be interested: I’m a really kind, funny, smart, passionate, romantic guy who will take you out on dates and make you cards and drawings and remind you every day how amazing you make me feel. But my self-confidence is slowly slipping away every day. Come and save me.




You would be so happy with me if you got over the fact that I wasn’t blonde…


Dear girl, we were never friends, but we know each other. Your boyfriend has been cheating on you with me and probably other girls. I never cared about him, but neither should you. When I hear our mutual friends talk about how much you are into him, I wish I could help you out. I know he should tell you, but I don’t know if he ever will. I was enjoying the sex when I thought you weren’t seriously dating, but now that I know, I’m on your team. We are both better than him.


To my best friend at Penn: You are the most amazing, deep person who I know truly cares about me more than anyone else here. I love that there is no sexual tension between us, but honestly your personality is the exact one I want in the person I marry one day. I don’t want to change the status of our friendship, but knowing guys like you exist make my life all the more bright and make me super hopeful for the future.


Why do you all suck so much


You’re abrasive


Looks like we have Penn Admirers for that now, don’t we?


I want every boy in Phi Psi to be my valentine


I love everyone in the Riepe House Mentors!


Sure but that won’t be revealed here.


Yes, I like this very cute presidential guy from the UA.


stop being a pussy, grow some balls, and ask me out.


We’re both studying literature. We both like movies. You studied abroad with a friend from high school. Why does he always get the girl?


Be straight up with what you want. It’s better to say “This is just about sex,” than pretend it’s something meaningful and run away the second the other party shows emotion.




I studied abroad last semester and my girlfriend and I exchange love-letters multiple times per week.


To Ethan-I find you super attractive, you are super hot, smart, and very funny. I am glad you bumped into my friend that one night at smokes.


I know this sounds cliche, but never compromise yourself, your personality, and everything else just to make someone like you more. If he doesn’t like you for yourself, he never liked you in the first place.


Nah bro


I love Greg Stulpin



You’re more favorite to me than most people, and I think you know that, but for whatever reason that one spark still hasn’t clicked yet. When we’re together though, fewer things than normal seem to matter, and I’m happy and you’re happy, and I’ll think in the remainder of time that it’s possible to change what we are, whatever we are.



Ladies, fucking me after I say hi is a sure-fire way for me to never speak to you again. Show some self-respect.




“Street — if you can get this to the Penn security guys, I’d REALLY appreciate it.

To the really cute Penn security guy who walked me home from Smoke’s before break — if you decide to ditch the bitch, let me know and we can explore the Philly arts scene together. You won’t have to commute from Jersey anymore, I promise.”


Take a chance. If it doesn’t work out, take your time to get over it, pick yourself up, and move on. There are obviously better people out there for you than the ones that only make you hurt.


To my almost lover – I really didn’t like you in the first place. You know who you are.

I’m sorry we both passed out drunk in your bed.  I know you were excited to have a threesome.


Friends before Fucking


I wish I wouldn’t let myself get in the way and be completely honest with how I feel about you.


I know you think you’re a fratstar, but you’re still way less than a seven.


It’s cute that you thought the Feb Club Week One theme of Freshman Year meant you could just approach me after 3 years and try to take me home. Glad that this time I already knew what a jackass you are.




To the cute, tall, articulate guy on my hall: Please stop being so into yourself and your books and your intense bromance for .2 seconds and say hello when you walk by rather than acting as if I don’t exist. If you actually engaged the girls around you, you might find that they have interesting things to say.


“To a certain junior in Inspiration: Baby it’s you. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I need. “




girls, stop going for what you think is cool and sceney.


You made me feel like I was the only girl in the world worth seeing for a week. Then life got in the way and time went on. But it was the first time I felt truly special so thank you for that.






Learn how to care about people… I mean really care about people. Life is so short.


It’s your choice whether you want to fill it with brittle social engagements- yes, you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Or you can love the people who matter.




You’ve been nothing but the worst but for god knows what reason I can’t seem to let you go.




We should hook up again. Sober this time.


Boys on the sprint football team: you are a joke, stop telling girls you play football so that they’ll be impressed, we’re not.


If you are a tall, good-looking, not-recruited-for-sports, sweet guy and you secretly are in love with me, now would be a superb time to reveal yourself.


Not really!


Stay classy


I know we hooked up multiple time before we knew each others’ names, but now that I’m sitting directly across you for our recitation, I think it’s time to give this a real chance.


“To the boy in my hall, sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had let you kiss me while we watched arrested development.


To the other boy in hall, just grow up so we can see if this works.”


Get at me, boys.


Stop taking life so seriously and relax.


I hate all of you boys!






I can honestly say that I was once in love with you. Truly. But when I look at you now, I feel absolutely nothing. I’m sorry.






Bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks.


I scoped you out during NSO. You’ve been in a relationship ever since.  Now you’re a senior.  See you at Homecoming?


Mother fuck you and your mother, with love.




Yeah… to the multiple people who I clearly demonstrated my interest in but then they abruptly stopped talking to me: didn’t think any of you were that feckless. I hope you choke on a strand of hot Christmas lights.


Penn Band, those awesome sweaters would look better on my floor.


ever since our little hookup fling freshman year/partially soph yr, ive always had a little crush on my current TA in opim415…


I’m absolutely in love with you and cannot imagine my life with anyone else. I appreciate you and everything you do, thank you;)


You are the one person at Penn I feel like I have a genuine connection with — our conversations used to be incredible. I just wish you could see what’s right in front of you instead of being stuck in the past. Now that I know you can’t, I don’t think we can ever be the same anymore.


I hope you don’t overlook me just because you say you have a certain type. I think we could be good together.


To my girlfriend: I want you to be the woman I want to marry, but you aren’…not yet.


I don’t need anyone here, Jesus is enough! He’s the perfect relationship!


To my nursing crush: I kinda wish you hadn’t shaved that corny mustache…it makes it harder to convince myself that I don’t have feelings for you.


Sometimes I fall in love with the idea of people I’ve never met. If that even makes any sense.




to the allegros pizza, thanks for filling my needs unlike these incompetent penn boys

If you like a girl, take a chance and ask her out. Maybe she likes you too. Men need to man up these days. And respect a woman for more than her body.


i’m sorry for sexiling my roommate


Yeah sort of




Don’t bother with long-term relationships! I’ve seen so many of my friends go through rough, long-distance breakups.


I wish you could see what or who is best for you now and in the future instead of chasing after your unhealthy past.


Man up, son! I hate that i have bigger balls than you.


did you tell everyone that you pooped in my bed to cover up the fact you lasted less than 60 seconds?






“I just wanna do you, do you. Do you wanna do me, do me? Underneath the moonlight, moonlight?


The girl that was wearing a bright red dress last week in Fagin Hall.”




To the guy I hooked up with last year who’s still in the closet because he thinks it will harm his “image”: Stop it, hun. No one cares about your sexuality or your ambitions. Just do it.


No, I do not.


“Actually yeah I want to call out this asian girl who was on her period when we fucked freshman year. I had to throw out all my bedding and slept on a bare mattress for a week. Tossed my goddamn sheets in the schuylkill river after that. I was most pissed about losing my pillowcase though- it was lavender and had a nice medley of flowers.”


To the red velvet ice cream that used to be in Kings Court Dining hall: baby come back to me!


gurl u shake dat ass liek an earthquehk




I have a crush on Greg Bonnem, and I’m not (entirely) afraid to admit it! The few times I’ve talked to him, he’s been so sweet and friendly to me. It doesn’t hurt that he’s got an amazing voice too!


Kris Mack, I really do love you.


My friends are actually awesome.


Girls can make the first move too!


To Austin Jones: You’re literally the sweetest guy ever.


“Dear Buddy,

I used to bring you Treats when you were studying hard. I cared about your Worries and you would Talk me through mine. But I knew you were never interested. I am hoping this time apart will make you realize that you miss me and no one can fill my place.

Make a Move,

Friend-Zoned Far-Away ”


“To J.L. the Mech-E

You are such a stud-muffin and you don’t even Know it. Seriously you are so Adorable. Be Mine ?

<3 The Girl in the Goggles ”


To the bassist in Olivia Tremor Control who added me on Facebook, I’m glad you share my love for Vin Diesel.


Wish I cared about anyone enough right now to answer this question.




Dear adorable guy at frat that will remain unnamed, seriously why you gotta be so cold just because I was trying to be a classy girl and didn’t want to “go upstairs”? You were funny, you could dance to cheesy music, and your ugly Xmas sweater rocked.  I think you put a stop to a beautiful thing before it could even start, and for that I say GO FUCK YOURSELF ASSHOLE.


To the random couple who was making out in the elevator last Saturday (while it was full of other people) please never again. That was way too much for me and I’d rather not watch your gross love session anymore.


To the girl who makes my sandwiches at Bui’s and always cooks the eggs to my liking (:

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