HighbrowJanuary 31, 2013 at 6:00 am

The Roundup: 1.31.13

The weather might be warming up, ducklings, but that doesn’t mean you should drop those winter hats and gloves just yet. Highbrow still has some chilly gossip that will bite your toes off. Bundle up ;)

In light of the treacherous icy conditions that plagued our campus this past week, one professor decided to offer a light at the end of the tunnel. The forensic science whiz treated her 100-–person lecture to 30 pizzas in the middle of class as a thank–you for showing up. Trying to switch in now? Too bad, the add period’s over. Whatever, we’re getting cheese fries.

BREAKING NEWS: We have an update on our nocturnal friends over at 4K Pine. They may have received several more pledges! And by several, we mean four. Yes, the three best friends are hoping to add a quartet of former Skulls sophomores to their flock. The nest is getting fuller by the day! Well done, Owls. You’ve proven that sometimes the last–minute bird catches the worm, too.

Lather up the Purell, because influenza has just been dethroned as the Queen Bee of campus viruses. Highbrow hears that shingles (chicken pox’s baby daddy) has arrived at Penn and he is not apologizing for it. No word yet on the number of afflicted students, but grab your surgical masks. Surviving chicken pox won’t protect you from this conniving bastard, but maybe try praying?

Or ask one Theos pledge, who received some divine intervention during Greek recruitment—and we’re not talking about Zeus. Sources say the pious freshman was told which frat he was destined for in a vision from God himself. Apparently, the prophecy was enough to guide him away from his original choice, Beta, in favor of our favorite Chancellor Street dwellers. No comment yet from the zealot outside Van Pelt.

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