HighbrowJanuary 24, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Dispatch: Guy Rush

10:31p.m.: Show up at the chapter house for the 10:30p.m. “sharp” event.

10:32p.m.: The online questionnaire at the door requires me to fill out my vote for hottest freshman girl. Wait, but we’re not at Theos?

10:36p.m.: Friend informs me that it’s best to just go with the flow and be down for anything. That’s how you get the brothers to like you.

10:37p.m.: First kegstand of my life. “Yeah, I haven’t done one since high school actually.”

10:43p.m.: First cig of my life. “Yeah, I’m a Marlboro guy actually.” Fitting in never felt so pathetically unfulfilling. Also, saying the word Marlboro is fairly challenging.

10:57p.m.: This brother just asked me where I’m from and what school I’m in. I’m cool with mundane questions… if I hadn’t just answered them for the same brother six minutes ago. Even he has to think this small talk is bullshit.

11:04p.m.: Lull in conversation hits hard while talking to one of the brothers. I decide to resort to making fun of the chanting freshman girls who are standing outside in the cold. A go-to move.

11:29p.m.: Bankers just went down easy. This isn’t good.

11:41p.m.: Begin to contemplate eventually having to converse with the brothers while sober.

11:42p.m.: Deem previous contemplation pretty much impossible. Begin to wonder if I’m cut out to be the frat star John Belushi always made me think I could be.

11:59p.m.: Alcohol is taking its toll. Tongue isn’t really working how I want it to work. Unsure of what to do.

12:02a.m.: Just burnt my tongue on a flaming shot. Didn’t even know that was possible. My tongue couldn’t be more useless right now.

12:17a.m.: Just realized I haven’t talked to anyone in awhile. I’ve been drunkenly wandering through the frat. The last twenty minutes seem as though they’re coated in a haze.

12:19a.m.: Just realized that haze might be weed.

12:20a.m.: Definitely weed.

12:23a.m.: Second kegstand of my life. The term sophomore slump might apply.

5:38a.m.: Wake up back in the quad. Cotton mouth. Feeling like death, yet still somehow alive.

5:39a.m.: Begin to rebuild trust in Belushi.

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