FilmNovember 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Street Does “Breaking Dawn – Part 2″ Drunk, High and Sober

Film sent three critics to an advanced screening of the Twilight Saga’s epic finale in three very different states of mind.

DRUNK
Holy shit the movie’s starting. There’s so much black and white snow nd mountains and red blood and im soooo drunk I cant look at the screen it hurts my eyes. Oh myyyy god kristen steqert SUCH A SLUT why did she cheat on robertt pattison hes so hot

Wow yes 10 minutes into the movie and taylor lautner has taken his shirt off FINALLY! Please hook up with meeee

CUTEST BABY EVER her eyrs are so big anf brown i cant take it ahhh. But who names their baby Renesseme wtf that’s such a stupid name. Stupid Kristen stupid name.

Oh my godddd Bella is such an angry mom!! Watch out Jacobb this bitch is crazyyy!

“Nessie? You nicknamed my daughter after the lockness monster?” Lololol best line

YEAH GET IT BELLA!! This sex scene is soooo not appropriate for all the 12 yr olds here but heyyy I
dig it cause its robert and he’s SO GOOD LOOKING

Now the baby is all grown upp but her eyes are so big still and she’s adorable. I hope my kid is that pretty. Also this movie is starting to get annoying I think I need some more vodka and STATTTT

Woah ok. Day of the battle. Creepy vampires have arrived in their creepy robes. Dakota Fanning is really fucking pale. I liked her better when she was in movies about horses and not trying to kill poeple.

Ummmm ok…I read the books and I don’t remember there actually being a battle sequence. WHY ARE EVERYONE’S HEADS FLYING OFF?! The dad is dead and dakota fanning is dead and heads are just flying all over the place…IM CONFUSED THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN THE BOOK.

Wait. WTF THIS WAS ALLL A FLASH FORAWRD?! This shit was not in the book but it was sooo much more entertaining. Fuck Stephanie meyer

Wait…that was actually reallly good. But probably cause I was drunk cause I would never have paid to see that thing sober. YOLO

—–

HIGH
Havent seen the first four but Kristen Stewart’s a cheating bitch and nothings gonna happen right? Alright. Proceeeed.

Kristen Stewart’s eyes turning red looks like the birth of the universe in The Tree of Life, which coulda used a bit more vampirism. Stupid? Yeah. Trippy? Ohhhh yeahh.

Pretty sure K–Stew essentially being granted god–like vampire powers and showing them off in such an incredible fashion doesn’t help her tendencies towards being a
selfish whore.

And theres a lotta crazy attractive people with crazy abilities and awkwardly clashing vampire mormonism and werewolf pedophilia and super PG–13 eroticism but I’m high and I say its alllll just lovely and profound.

And now we’re all game for our non–showdown over nothing at all in the most beautiful place ever with fake Voldemort looking suitably creepy. They all must be hellla blazed cause theyre talking for ten minutes and no ones fighting or nothing.

I guess they decided we all just need to smoke a peace pipe and work this shit out litigiously. Or something. Good for them. Maybe Bella and Edward are smoking them up.

And it looks like theyre gonna work this all out and go home WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO HER HEAD? AND SHE IS ON FIRE?!?! So much for pacifism.

These heads exploding are making my head explode. Too high for this. I can’t believe that a movie aimed at 10 year old girls is gonna dramatically separate the pretty faces of half their cast from their bodies like this.

And theres werewolf necks breaking and heads being ripped off and superpowers and general asskicking and fake Voldemort’s head is off and then IT’S ALL IN HIS MIND!?! Clearly someone smoked too much. All Twilight ever needed was some more decapitations and a hint of bud.

—–

SOBER
The Twilight Saga has come to an end in “Breaking Dawn––Part 2,” and screaming tweenagers from around the country will no longer see Robert Pattinson’s perfectly quaffed hair or Kristen Stewart’s constantly furrowed brow together on the same screen. While my fellow reviewers were in their own personal “Twilight” zones, I kept track of every superhuman feat and intimidating vampire/werewolf. The film begins where the first part ended, with Bella and Edward’s vamp–baby being debuted in the little town of Forks.
The first half consists of little action, just an unceasing amount of long silences and beautiful people staring at each other’s beauty (except for some creepy subplot where Taylor Lautner’s character develops a weird attachment for baby Renesmee). Renesmee continues to grow at a super–fast rate because of her half–human/half–vamp status and eventually some angry Italian vampires want to eliminate her because she is a so–called “immortal” child.
The second half continues with the Cullens collecting witnesses to show that Renesmee is just a normal lil’ girl and concludes with a surprising battle where (spoiler alert!) heads are plopped off more readily than Thanksgiving turkeys. “Breaking Dawn––Part 2” is just another unnecessary filler movie in the sappy teen saga, but will leave Twilight fans satisfied. The rest of us will just come for the heads being plopped off part.

 
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