LowbrowNovember 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

Penn’s Best Toilets

2012 Golden Throne Awards

Everybody poops. We think we read that in a book or something. But it’s true! Every day, students make sure to spend at least 5–10 minutes of class time in the bathroom. These are sacred places — places that are often overlooked by society. Well, we give a crap about crapping. As such, we’d like to announce our first annual bathroom awards. And the Golden Throne goes to…

FANCIEST 
First floor of Meyerson bathroom.

Not only are all the stalls equipped with handlebars (so a lady might steady herself), but there’s an attached drawing room, complete with full–length mirror and plush chairs. So bougie.

BEST READING MATERIAL
Basement of Van Pelt bathroom. 

Obscure writing workshops, radical feminist coffee houses, Craigslist ads — there’s something for everyone. And most offer really unique, interesting opportunities beyond your wildest imagination. We’re talking, of course, about the Craigslist ads.

BEST FOR HAVING SEX
Any Rooftop Lounge bathroom.

Okay, so these bathrooms are universally grimy and claustrophobic. But couldn’t one argue that they’re actually aromatic and intimate? Besides, we’re pretty sure doing it here gives you membership into the Mile High Club.

BEST PLACE FOR FRESHMEN POSSES
Houston Market bathroom. 

There’s like, 11 stalls (this was a very scientific article), so all your temporary friends can have a seat! If there’s one fewer of you when you come out, don’t worry; it was bound to happen eventually.

CREEPIEST BATHROOM
Bathroom in the basement of Stiteler Hall

This former anonymous sex hotspot (not a joke, it was advertised on gay sex sites) has a “pull in case of emergency” cord and a sign posted warning passersbys that the area is monitored by security. The anonymous hook–ups may have ended, but the security measures are an eerie reminder of this bathroom’s juicy past.

BEST CLIMATE
The bathroom on the 2nd floor of Houston Hall near the class of 1949 Auditorium.

This bathroom always has the perfect climate — perhaps it’s a matter of location or an expertly–tuned thermostat. In the summer it’s always at least 15 degrees cooler than the hallway and it’s always toasty and cozy during the winter.

CRAPPIEST
Williams Hall bathrooms. 

They spent all that time renovating and recreating these bathrooms and now, they’re falling apart. Soap dispensers are hanging off of the walls and the place seems to be in eternal disrepair. Have some pride in yourself, Williams. For goodness’ sake.

GROSSEST
Any bathroom in any frat house ever.

MOST WELL–EQUIPPED
The bathroom at Thai Singha

It has an air freshener. Good call.

 
6 People have left comments on this post


By Veteran on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

The fact that you do not mention the Inn at Penn on this list is an absolute disgrace. Hillel also happens to be phenomenal.

By ks on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

You’ve missed the women’s bathroom in Huntsman student lounge (lauder institute). They have a gold framed mirror and amazing hand lotion

By Angry Pooper on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

THIS IS WRONG, ALL WRONG. First off, have you even SEEN the bathrooms in Lynch Laboratories? Do you even know what it’s like? DO YOU?! You obviously don’t, because if you did then you’d know they far surpass first floor Meyerson in all aspects of fancy. The floors are sleek and shiny and it’s the most high-tech-ass bathroom in which you’ll ever have the pleasure of peeing. Crappiest (literally) = DRL third floor women’s bathroom, west wing. Not only are the toilets always full of crap, but the walls are also full of piss stains (how?) and the floors own markings of where crappy urinals once crappily stood. And GROSSEST? It’s almost like you don’t even know the fourth floor of Goddard exists. It’s almost like you’ve never sat on a toilet in a 4 x 4 room knowing that the ceiling could collapse on you at any second, or the tarantulas milling sharing the intimate space with you could eat your face off if you let your guard down.

DO SOME MORE EXTENSIVE RESEARCH BEFORE YOU GO PUTTING SHIT ON BLAST (get it? get it?).

By Angry Pooper on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

THIS IS WRONG, ALL WRONG. First off, have you even SEEN the bathrooms in Lynch Laboratories? Do you even know what it’s like? DO YOU?! You obviously don’t, because if you did then you’d know they far surpass first floor Meyerson in all aspects of fancy. The floors are sleek and shiny and it’s the most high-tech-ass bathroom in which you’ll ever have the pleasure of peeing. Crappiest (literally) = DRL third floor women’s bathroom, west wing. Not only are the toilets always full of crap, but the walls are also full of piss stains (how?) and the floors own markings of where crappy urinals once crappily stood. And GROSSEST? It’s almost like you don’t even know the fourth floor of Goddard exists. It’s almost like you’ve never sat on a toilet in a 4 x 4 room knowing that the ceiling could collapse on you at any second, or the tarantulas milling sharing the intimate space with you could eat your face off if you let your guard down.

DO SOME MORE EXTENSIVE RESEARCH BEFORE YOU GO PUTTING SH** ON BLAST (get it? get it?).

By Mike on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

The urinals in Rosenparty say “The relief you are now experiencing is made possible by a gift from Michael Zinman” LMAO

By @ANGRY POOPER on November 8, 2012 at 5:39 am

actually the DRL bathrooms have mostly been renovated and are now super shiny with tiles and lack a paper towel dispenser (the best, bc no more trees cut down!!) there is even one on the 2nd floor north where there are dried flowers in a vase next to the mirror!!
but yeah, lynch labs bathrooms are really neat.

worst bathrooms have to be basement of vp.

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