2012 Golden Throne Awards
Everybody poops. We think we read that in a book or something. But it’s true! Every day, students make sure to spend at least 5–10 minutes of class time in the bathroom. These are sacred places — places that are often overlooked by society. Well, we give a crap about crapping. As such, we’d like to announce our first annual bathroom awards. And the Golden Throne goes to…
First floor of Meyerson bathroom.
Not only are all the stalls equipped with handlebars (so a lady might steady herself), but there’s an attached drawing room, complete with full–length mirror and plush chairs. So bougie.
BEST READING MATERIAL
Basement of Van Pelt bathroom.
Obscure writing workshops, radical feminist coffee houses, Craigslist ads — there’s something for everyone. And most offer really unique, interesting opportunities beyond your wildest imagination. We’re talking, of course, about the Craigslist ads.
BEST FOR HAVING SEX
Any Rooftop Lounge bathroom.
Okay, so these bathrooms are universally grimy and claustrophobic. But couldn’t one argue that they’re actually aromatic and intimate? Besides, we’re pretty sure doing it here gives you membership into the Mile High Club.
BEST PLACE FOR FRESHMEN POSSES
Houston Market bathroom.
There’s like, 11 stalls (this was a very scientific article), so all your temporary friends can have a seat! If there’s one fewer of you when you come out, don’t worry; it was bound to happen eventually.
Bathroom in the basement of Stiteler Hall.
This former anonymous sex hotspot (not a joke, it was advertised on gay sex sites) has a “pull in case of emergency” cord and a sign posted warning passersbys that the area is monitored by security. The anonymous hook–ups may have ended, but the security measures are an eerie reminder of this bathroom’s juicy past.
The bathroom on the 2nd floor of Houston Hall near the class of 1949 Auditorium.
This bathroom always has the perfect climate — perhaps it’s a matter of location or an expertly–tuned thermostat. In the summer it’s always at least 15 degrees cooler than the hallway and it’s always toasty and cozy during the winter.
Williams Hall bathrooms.
They spent all that time renovating and recreating these bathrooms and now, they’re falling apart. Soap dispensers are hanging off of the walls and the place seems to be in eternal disrepair. Have some pride in yourself, Williams. For goodness’ sake.
Any bathroom in any frat house ever.
The bathroom at Thai Singha
It has an air freshener. Good call.