This week, we got up close and maybe a little too personal with Simone “Simo” Stolzoff, a modern–day Lord Byron who slams poetry almost as well as he slams Natty.
Street: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever written a poem about?
SS: My penis. The first time that I performed it was also the first time my dad heard me read poetry.
Street: What did he think of it?
SS: He wished it was longer… That was a joke.
Street: How did your first slam go?
SS: So the guy before me did a poem about his brother getting shot. And then I did a poem about the plight of the college admissions process…The last line was like, “And you can suck on my transcript!” And I just, like, walked off stage.
Street: If you can’t snap, do you have no place at a spoken word show?
SS: Nah, I mean, I’m really inappropriate and I yell shit, like full sentences. I try and have conversations with the performer. It doesn’t go over too well.
Street: Do you slam in the shower?
SS: A little personal to ask in an interview, dontcha think? Just kidding. Of course. It helps me work on fake tears.
Street: What’s your most embarrassing top–played jam on iTunes?
SS: “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child. Talkin’ about shit I do in the shower…
Street: Who’s your alter ego?
SS: The Cookie Monster. I’m obsessed with chocolate chip cookies. I have a chocolate chip cookie every day. It’s my favorite food. They’re like Beatles songs. Even the shitty ones are pretty good. I’m an aficionado.
Street: If you had a superpower, what would it be?
SS: You know when you go to the beach, and you go swimming, but then you get out of the water and all the sand sticks to your feet? If I had the power to not have the sand stick to my feet, that would be it.
Street: If you were a character on “Friends”, which would you be? Or do you hate “Friends”?
SS: I’ve seen more episodes than I’d care to admit. Joey, I guess. The Italian. “EYYYY!”
Street: If you were a type of pasta, which would you be?
SS: Farfalle (bowtie), ‘cause it says, “I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party, too.”
Street: What does your PennCard picture say about you?
SS: That I should have been an 18–year–old Elvis impersonator.
Street: What little things will you miss about Penn?
SS: Kelly Writers House second floor bathroom. The one on Locust with the bathtub. And food trucks. I love food trucks.
Street: If you were a Penn food truck, which would you be?
SS: Koja. I like fusion. If I were to open up a club, it would be only for mixed people. And mixed foods.
Street: Do you have a favorite line of poetry you keep in your head at all times?
SS: So I got one off my friend Eric’s “About” section on his Facebook profile, and I thought it was just a famous quote, so I took it and put it in my Facebook profile. And one day, Eric came up to me and was like, “Um…why did you steal my grandfather’s quote for your Facebook profile?” It’s “If you can realize the relative unimportance of everything you do, you can always go through life with a smile.”
Street: If you could get with any Disney Princess, who would it be?
SS: Jasmine. She’s bad. She could come to my mixed club.
Street: There are two types of people at Penn…
SS: People that make shit happen and people that watch shit happen.
See The Excelano Project
8 p.m. Fri. & Sat.
Dunlop Auditorium, 3450 Hamilton Walk