HighbrowNovember 15, 2012 at 5:05 am

Dispatch: Waxed for Woodser

2:29 p.m.: I walk into the waxing room. Unlike my fratty peers celebrating Movember, I cannot grow a mustache. So, today I part with my pubes.

2:30 p.m.: Anthony, the man who will be ripping the hair off of my butt, taint and ballsack, enters.

2:31 p.m.: “Just strip, lie face–down here and drape the towel over yourself. I’ll be back in a minute.” Anthony turns an R&B medley on.

2:33 p.m.: There is hot wax on my butthole.


2:34 p.m.: “My friend always takes painkillers before she gets her Brazilians done, but you know, this isn’t that bad!” Kudos, Anthony.

2:36 p.m.: RIP, RIP, RIP. Anus and taint are done, y’all! I feel chic, luxurious, like a DZine2Show “model.”

2:37 p.m.: Anthony asks me to flip over so he can do my front. “All of it?” he asks. “All of it.” I want to look like a hairless Shar Pei by the end of this.

2:38 p.m.: First, the mankini line. Not so bad!

2:42 p.m.: Things take a turn for the worse: the sack.

2:43 p.m.: I turn my gaze from the ceiling fan to the wall next to me. There is a shirtless picture of Tim Tebow someone has lovingly tacked to the wall. This is the last thing I remember before–

2:45 p.m.: REST IN PEACE, SACK.

2:46 p.m.: Anthony exits. I feel like I’ve survived a Japanese horror movie. Tabard pledgemasters, take note.

2:49 p.m.: I get dressed. Ouch.

2:51 p.m.: I get out my wallet and pause. Can I bursar this? No? I hand him my card.

3:10 p.m.: Home, I hobble upstairs and Neosporin the shit out of my newly smooth toilet parts.

4:16 p.m.: I check up on my newly bald body. Was it worth it? Yes and no. Getting a Brozilian (not a typo) is not that bad, except for the scrotum waxing part. You’ll look and feel 21 years younger down there! On the other hand, and to repeat: REST IN PEACE SACK.

One Person has left comments on this post

By Crumb Catcher on November 15, 2012 at 5:05 am

WOW…now maybe transfer the fur to your face and make Movember after all. WIN!

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