Kalteen Bars do not exist. We’re sorry.
Cady Heron demolished Regina George’s “technically hot physique” by feeding her Kalteen bars, a protein bar her mom gave to starving African children to help them gain weight. The labels are not in Swedish, but there are tons of weird nutrition bars around campus to make up for the heart–wrenching loss.
The organic, plant–based ProBar was by far the worst. One taster spit it out. It tastes like “grass” and “soil” and we’re not fans of foods that taste of Earth. If this bar were a student at Northshore High, Gretchen Wieners would yell, “You can’t sit with us!” at her.
Lemon–Coconut? Sounds exotic, but not in this wrapper: the flavor was pretty bland. One taster said the flavor was like “you had bad Sprite and someone took a shit in it.”
This “chocolatey.” bar was polarizing: some appreciated the smoothness, while others wanted more crunch.
Don’t be fooled because it may seem like your typical chocolate–and–graham–cracker, crunchy orgasm–inducing protein bar, but in reality, it’s so much more than that. All natural and female–nutrient friendly, we all agreed it was delicious.
This was the Aaron Samuels of protein bars. Made with no artificial sweeteners or trans fats, it is everything we look for in a bar: maintaining a perfect balance of crunchiness and smoothness, it “tastes like dessert. Definitely worth going up a weight class.