LowbrowOctober 25, 2012 at 5:43 am

Hallo-Fuckin’-Ween

Do you feel that Halloween just isn’t what it used to be? Do you miss the feeling of excitement that you felt every year as a kid — excitement that has now been replaced by pure ennui? Are you bored of Halloween? Of course you are. Because you’re a pussy. Halloween is the fucking best holiday in the world, and if you feel bored it’s your own damn fault. So sit your whiney ass down, shut your mouth, and fucking listen to these tips to help ‘roid up your boring–as–fuck Halloween.

- TP your professor’s office. During office hours. While he’s still in there. Make him watch.

- Candy corn? NO. Raw corn.

- Spike the soups at the Bridge Cafe and Houston. Spike them with rubbing alcohol.

- Don’t just bob for puny–ass apples. Bob for EVERYTHING. You’re a fucking animal.

- Take your own hayride to class. Make Locust Walk your bitch.

- Don’t dress up, dress all the way down. Buck–ass naked. Your beard is your costume. No beard? It’s not no–shave November yet. Grow one.

- Helicopter to each frat party. Even if two are next door to each other. You helicopter to each.

- Carve Jack–o’–lanterns with your bare hands. Show no mercy.

- Only tricks. Fuck treats.

 
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