Fall into fall, freshies! For those of you who’ve spent your lives growing up sun–kissed and beach blonde, enjoy the one week of beautiful autumn sweater weather before this place becomes as cold as a witch’s tit. We have some stories that will warm the cockles of your heart, though.
Speaking of hearts, sign–ups for Alpha Phi’s annual Cardiac Arrest philanthropy event went loco this week. Not sure how Cardiac Arrest works? Us neither! But we’re pretty sure it goes something like this: 1. Handcuff frat boys to Alpha Phi girls 2. ??? 3. Profit! When the girls sent out a spreadsheet soliciting volunteers, the frat boys took over, decorating the spreadsheet with explicit photos, replacing the letter “a” with the word “penis,” and inviting readers to “get laid” at Beta. Who would have thought opening up a Google doc to every frat could backfire?
Hold onto your hats, because that’s not the last porn–themed tidbit in the Round–Up this week. Proper ladies, turn the page. For the rest of you, head on down to Phi Delt, where the boys have a whole room devoted to choking the chicken, thumping the pump and/or stroking the poker. Catch our drift? Enough with the euphemisms; Phi Delt has a creepy porn room covered in nude pics. We’re told the room is plastered in pornography and contains nothing but a tiny window, a chair and a light on a pull–string. Perfect place for future serial killers of America to get their kicks.
Only 34 days till Halloween! Highbrow can’t wait! We’ve had a really fabulous Kim & Kanye couples costume prepped since the two started dating. But for those of you looking to get some spooky fun right about now, check out the Rodin elevators, where rumor has it there’s a ghooooooost! (O.O) While this haunted elevator isn’t quite the Tower of Terror, sources tell us an eerie voice whispers “can you hear me?” leaving residents running scared. Boo! Did we scare you?
Oh please, Stiteler is soooo last year. DRL is the new hot spot on campus. At least, according to Grindr it is. Apparently, a new glory hole is open for business in the math building. We mean, anonymous sex might not be for all of us, but it seems pretty standard in DRL. How else are they going to get it?