Freshmen Superlatives

Dear Froshies,

NSO is like a dream come true, isn’t it? Finally, you get the independence you craved, the popularity you deserved and the alcohol poisoning you earned — truly, an experience like no other. Well, snap out of it. The semester’s finally started, and that means that you’re fresh meat for the most carnivorous section around ™, Lowbrow. Consider this “tough love” —your first lesson in the real world. That lesson being, of course, to keep your profile on private.