Dispatch from Smokin' Betty's 3rd Annual Broads, Brews & Queens BBQ
It’s the second night of Philly Beer Week — we hope you’re drunk by now. If you’re not, stay home, pick up a pack of whatever and park it. We’ll be reporting live from Smokin’ Betty’s where we’re helping to celebrate the babes who love a good brew as much as the next guy. See you at 9.*
*This Dispatch contains explicit material. Parents and President Gutmann be advised.
9:00 PM: We’re drunk. Just kidding. After a nice walk from 11th street stop on the MFL, my co-pilot and I arrived at Smokin’ Betty’s. The place is huge, with two floors and outdoor seating. The patrons can be described as middle aged and relatively sober. The bartender (his name is Rob) is sexy in a smoldering way. This is not the place we’d expect to see a drag show at.
My partner in crime wants to add that the outdoor seating was meager at best. But we’re now seated at the bar, enjoying a Brooklyn Summer Ale ($5 til midnight) and discussing the best strategy to take pictures of the people here. Will send updates on that later.
The Summer Ale is good! Not sure why Philly Beer Week exists, but we like it (ed note: lol). Drag show in ten. Get excited.
update: Rob can’t decide if he should wear a wig tonight for the drag show. We told him it would look great with his full beard.
“Bull,” said Rob. “I’m scared of Instagram and Facebook and, just, no.”
Mission: Instagram a Photo of Rob in a Wig has begun.
update: Where are the queens? We were promised stripper heels and feathered boas!!
My friend and I just realized that this is our first drag show. Losin’ our drag show virginity. We need more beer.
9:30 PM: I’m drinking something called a “Smooth HOPerator” (still $5). I love Philly Beer Week.
Okay, too much hops. After Rob let us sample the Smooth Hoperator, we decided to order a round of the Saramac IPA. Its lighter and less bitter, which we learned comes from lesser amount of hops. Learn something new every day.
update: Enrique, a former bartender at Smokin’ Betty’s, is next to us to at the bar. He gave us the scoop on the drag queens tonight. We’re gonna keep an eye out for The Goddess of Isis.
overheard at the bar: ”there’s two Diane Rosses back there.” (ed note: bad grammar. ouch)
We’re officially moving.
update: WE’VE SEEN THE QUEENS. And they are fabulous. Pics to come.
10:00 PM: we just had to explain drag shows to two French tourists. They looked really concerned.
First of all, “Call Me Maybe” just came on. Best life ever.
People have started to trickle in and have officially stolen our seats at the bar. Alas. We’re now backstage and chatting with the drag queens, and by chatting I mean giggling and asking them to pose for us. They are graciously complying.
One of the drag queens just said “I LIKE BRIGHT COLORS, SUCK MY PUSSY.” I don’t know if we’re allowed to publish that (ed note: we are) but it was hilarious.
All I know is I need to know where she got her “WERK” necklace. It’s amazing.
update: Oh god. Our ears. WERK Queen wants to know whose –––– she needs to suck to get a cocktail. Good thing we’re rockin’ to Bruno Mars.
update: So, two guys are making out next to us. As they finish, one of them says “Wow, I have a vagina.” It’s Philly Beer Week ya’ll.
10:30 PM: I just talked to Isis. Rihanna’s “Pon de Replay” or whatever it was called just came on. This is when everyone thought she was vaguely Hispanic and she was widely credited with writing a song that had more than three words in Spanish. I’m singing it with tthe (ed note: we’re leaving this typo) drag queens.
Idk when the show is starting, but I hope it’s soon. Apparently they had some technical difficulties, but are probably starting in about 15 minutes. Just sitting next to and talking to these women is amazing. Hashtag, my first drag show.
Where is Rob??!? Rob? (ed note: seriously Rob, where are you?)
update: Mic check: “when I say mic check you say fuck you!” Mic check: You know. Isis coming around and talking to people.
update: ISIS JUST POSED WITH A PASSED OUT DUDE AS IF SHE’S BLOWING HIM. I’m in shock. I’m in love. There are tears in my eyes.
update: We just ordered fries ($4).
11:00 PM: Alright. Drag show has STARTED! Isis is clearly leading the show, althought not much has happened at this point. There’s an industrial strength fan going, so there’s that.
My girl and I ordered fries (ed note: thanks, you told us) and it’s literally the best decision we’ve made tonight.
The queens are gonna go get dressed (they weren’t already dressed???) and start strutting their stuff. Porcelain, in six-inch heels, just walked on, with fries tin in hand.
“Rule number one: if you’re not drinking you’re an asshole.” Preach, Isis, preach. Rule two and three? 2) If the ladies are on, you better get out your dollas. 3) You better be having a good time.
Straight from the mouth of Isis. YOU HEARD YOU FOLKS. Pay up and have fucking fun.
update: The girl next to us left to find an ATM. And get singles. Good call. We’re polishing off our fries. And then we’re gonna get more beer. Not trying to be an asshole tonight.
bar tab update: We ordered two Blonde Betty’s (ed note: an unfiltered bavarian from Boulder, CO). $5 a beer. My tab runneth over
update: Our new best friend — “Don’t say I never did anything for you girls.” She just gave us singles for the show. SHE IS SO NICE. She’s the one who was having BBQ and watermelon at the bar earlier (ed note: the neighbor who made us salivate)
11:30 PM: These queens are literally AMAZING and move in ways I’d never be able to copy if I trained for two years. They just busted out two songs, the latter by Beyonce and now they’re threatening to taser us if we don’t pay. Isis: “ANYONE HERE FROM THE SOUTH?” OMG I am going nuts (ed note: She’s from Texas). “There are only four things that we have in the South: fried chicken, beer, Jesus and dick.” All proceeds tonight go to benefit the number one LGBT center in the city! I can’t hear the name but it’s so loud. (Ed note: it’s the William Way Community Center on 13th & Spruce).
update: Isis is singing a song about the different ways to (excuse us), “f— me right damn now.” Crowd is going wild. I’m dying. That picture? A drag queen dancing to a Britney Spears song.
update: I gave this drag queen my first dollar (ed note: see below, blue dress). Drag show virginity lost.
update:SPARKLERS! WHAT! #weloveyou, Porecelain
12:00 AM: Lost them. Success? We’ll let you know tomorrow. Good night, Philadelphia.