LowbrowFebruary 16, 2012 at 5:51 am

Greek Gods As Greek Life

Though more like a bastard child of the IFC than the head of the organization, OZ bros bear an uncanny resemblance to Zeus because of their penchant for thunderous electro–trance beats and their tendency to be high in the sky.

Like Athena, goddess of wisdom, the girls of SDT hold down the highest GPA in PanHel and are the patron goddesses of the arts. But for a bunch of English and Comm majors, it’s a shame that they still couldn’t properly spell “congratulations” in the VagMons playbills. For future reference, there’s a Tau in there, not a Delta.

Hermes was so avant–garde with those fancy winged sandals of his. We bet the fashion–forward men of Kappa Sig would know where we could get a pair. Their overt trendiness makes our Mercury rise.

The epitomes of love and beauty, TriDelt sisters embody the greatest qualities of Aphrodite. They also embody some of her other fine traits, including the ability to attract an array of suitors with their Venus flytraps.

Have you heard of St. Elmo? Oh yeah, they’re, like, super underground. And just like Hades, these guys don’t distinguish between men and women, accepting both into their deep, dark, indie lair.

Demeter, the goddess of the harvest, is known for her ripe crops and hearty grains, paralleled best by the gentlemen of AEPi and their deep appreciation for Sweetgreen salads.

Dionysus wasn’t always accepted among the Greek gods, but once he was officially admitted to Kiss the Sky, he soon became the god of wine, ritual orgies and ecstasy. The brothers of TEP make sure that these values are high on their list of priorities as well.

Known for her jealous and vengeful nature, Hera is more often than not cited in mythological lore as going batshit crazy on her husband Zeus and all the slutty nymph(o)s of ancient Greece. Though there is no romantic relationship between ZBT and OZ (that we know of, at least), there’s no doubt that their quasi–Greek cousins make these nice Jewish boys from Scarsdale green with envy.

Just as with Apollo, the first things that come to mind when we say Beta boys are obviously music and poetry. These bros love to get their “Adrenaline” pumping when they’re “Rocking It Out” to each other’s thoughtful lyrics. Also, they like to frolic around topless, just like your average, run–of–the–mill sun gods.

The wrestlers of ATO are direct descendants of Ares, the god of war himself. Like their very–great–grandpapa, these bros throw down all the time and have been known to cozy up with more than a few Trojans.

Fooled by the calculated machinations of Hades, Persephone became fated to spend six months of every year in the Underworld for each of the pomegranate seeds that she ate. Similarly, the ladies of Tabard are known to lose contact with the rest of civilization during pledging, when they return to their hell on the green.

The oft–forgotten Hestia, goddess of the hearth, is revered for her domesticity and family values. The sisters of Theta, too, know how to make a beautiful home… as long as their husbands make enough money to finance their lavish estates in Great Neck. Also, like Hestia, who must often get low to tend to the flame, we hear that these future Real Housewives are no strangers to being on their knees.

One Person has left comments on this post

By Allen on February 16, 2012 at 5:51 am

The historical ethics are interesting and information bits are good

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