HighbrowFebruary 16, 2012 at 5:21 am

Dispatch: Single On V-Day

1:45 p.m.: French professor announces that since French is the language of love, we should tell everyone what we did on Valentine’s Day. What? This is a French Cinema class! In English!

1:50 p.m.: Flashback to the ladies at Einstein asking me the same question that morning. I truthfully told them I went to see a movie with my friend. They told me that they’re sorry I’m alone, but they could tell I had no one because chocolate chip is the loneliest kind of bagel.

1:51 p.m.: God, I’m lame. What am I going to say? MAKE UP SOMETHING ROMANTIC.

1:52 p.m.: My boyfriend, actor Tom Welling, and I went to dinner.

1:52 p.m.: I went on a date with the hipster I met in November at the farmers’ market who didn’t call me back, but only because his rotary phone broke and not because he was disgusted that I mispronounced “Nietzsche.”

1:52 p.m.: Those sound real, right?

2:00 p.m.: Really, Girl Who Wears Kneesocks With Combat Boots? Complaining about Valentine’s Day as a social institution instead of answering the question? Bitch stole my answer.

2:01 p.m.: Ahh, almost my turn! Maybe Cute Soccer Player sitting behind me will pretend to be my date? I should totally toss a flirty note onto his desk like in an early 90s sitcom!

2:03 p.m.: I wonder what would happen if I just ran out of the room with no explanation? They’d probably assume I had food poisoning from my awesome date on V–Day. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.

2:04 p.m.: Dammit, I’m stuck in the middle of this row. Maybe I’ll get lucky and there will be an apocalypse in the next 30 seconds.

2:05 p.m.: Okay. My turn. “Yeah, I just went to a movie with a friend. When you have friends, you’re never really alone!”

2:06 p.m.: God, what was that? I sounded like I was four. Or in a Julie Andrews movie.

2:07 p.m.: Maybe next Valentine’s Day my prince will come. Or not. Mostly likely not.

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