HighbrowJanuary 26, 2012 at 5:59 am

True Life: Fake It Till You Make It

As a 21–year old senior woman, I have had a decent amount of sexual experience. I have dealt with virgins, sexual aficionados, Lotharios, rough lovers and quick comers. I am not looking for chocolate, roses or dinner at a Steven Starr, all I am asking for is good sex. After countless unsatisfied nights of lying awake post–coitus I have finally decided to take a stand: I refuse to continue faking orgasms.
How often do I “fake it,” you ask? Well, if you poll any woman she will tell you she has faked it at least once. I have faked an orgasm so frequently during sex that I fear I have become proficient. I don’t go for the Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally, all–out screaming orgasm — the Penn Band does not come marching through my room. I choose to start with taking deep breaths that have a hitch on the inhale, followed by soft but audible moans until my partner comes and conveniently rolls off me.

How do I know that I haven’t actually experienced an orgasm with these gentlemen’s valiant efforts? Because I have had a real live one (or two) and thus have a point of reference. My all–time best orgasm came at the hands — or, rather, the tongue—of a former fling that was an expert at cunnilingus. My entire body got chills and broke into a cold sweat, and my mind went absolutely blank. I couldn’t speak or think and it was incredible. This is what they mean by “mind–blowing.”

So my message to men — especially those seniors who only have one semester of learning left — is to do a little research. There is a wealth of literature out there. I’ll make it easy for you; here’s a call number: DVD 016 564. If you are uncomfortable with that then just listen to what your partner is telling you, with her body and with what she actually says. Don’t be afraid to take charge of the situation. I can only speak for myself but if anything makes me uncomfortable, I will let you know. And remember, practice makes perfect.

As for my ladies: be kind to yourselves and don’t let your partners have all the pleasure in the bedroom. Knowing what you want is sexy. And to my next conquest, I have a list of places to consecrate — namely, the VP stacks — before I graduate.

3 People have left comments on this post

By Anonymous on January 26, 2012 at 5:59 am

Women pretend to orgasm because guys pretend to care.

By Penn Band on January 26, 2012 at 5:59 am


By Jack on January 26, 2012 at 5:59 am

Maybe if you tried using sex for something other than an amusement park ride it might become more fulfilling? Or has feminism and the sexual revolution ruined it for you?

Plus, getting off is kind of your responsibility. You’ll be amazed at what your partner, assuming its someone that actually cares about you (which is not a good assumption with you), will do for you if you communicate. Communication is often limited under the influence or in bar parking lots or the backseat of a car.

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