Pledging can often seem like a nightmarish, life-ruining, tequila-soaked wrecking ball crashing through your perfect little life, but it’s not totally unmanageable. Take some of Ego’s loving advice.
1. Spend As Little Time In Your Room As Possible
You never know when brothers are gonna come pounding on your door, so we humbly suggest you camp out in the VP basement for the next six weeks. Bring a sack full of Wawa sandwiches, a few beers, and your Netflix account, and fly under the radar until Fling, at which point you can emerge bearded, fat, and saturated with all 800 seasons of Buffy.
2. When You Are In Your Room, Be Prepared
Dress business casual for bed. You don’t wanna be kidnapped from your room in the footsie, polka dot pajamas Aunt Hildy got you for Christmas.
3. Hydrate All Day, Every Day
Yes, you’ll have to pee like a drunken sorority girl on Bid Night, but trust us, you’ll be thankful you did in the morning. All those vodka/hot sauce/rat poison cocktails can take a toll on ya.
4. Facebook Stalk Like The Creep You Are
Memorize the full names, employment histories, favorite quotations, and music interests of all the brothers/sisters in your house. Also: whether or not they have the new timeline, and in how many post-Penn profile pictures they’re holding an alcoholic drink. You never know when you’ll be quizzed.
[Ed Note: If more than 5 brothers/sisters actually have “favorite quotes” on their profiles, you’re in the wrong house.]
5. Get Rid Of Your Gag Reflex
Either ask the slutty girl in your hall how she did away with hers, or train every day with a toothbrush like the skanky cosmetic appliance homewrecker you are. You’ll thank us when you have to bite the head off of a frog, or drink your own urine, or whatever. And it’ll make you a lot more popular with the boys!!!!
No matter how much of a frat rat or sorority star you may be, everybody gets stressed during the pledge process. Juggling schoolwork, your house, and staying alive and (somewhat) sober can be overwhelming, but you’ll survive, we promise. You may come out the other side with a failing liver and an intense, illogical hatred of lunchboxes, but you will come out the other side. And then you can get alcohol poisoning on your own terms again.