LowbrowJanuary 26, 2012 at 5:59 am

E! True Hollywood Stories: Penn Personalities

Back in the day, Hemo actually started his career off as a Swedish supermodel. Surrounded by starving, skeletal bodies, this Scandinavian hottie ditched the catwalk in an attempt to feed the hungry and the anorexic alike.

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Leah Popowich is many things, but a winner is not one of them. Long before she was the assistant to Penn’s executive branch, Popowich won second place in her middle school spelling bee. She later graduated high school as salutatorian, giving no speech, and went on to compete in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, where she snagged the silver medal in archery. In 2005, Popowich was runner–up in the Miss Pennsylvania pageant, and last year, she was the second most–quoted person in The DP.

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Kenn Kweder grew up in a small gated community in Connecticut with his mother, father and nine siblings. He attended the Jesus Christ Holy Catholic School and discovered his passion for music as a tenor in his church’s gospel choir. He later toured the country with a Christian rock group, singing songs about God with lyrics just ambiguous enough to also maybe be about drugs.

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There’s no argument that Dean Furda is the cat’s pajamas. But before he crushed the dreams of thousands of hopeful applicants, he crushed the dreams of tens of hopeful kitties — because this Penn alum was once a judge at cat shows. Dubbed the Simon Cowell of the feline pageant world, Furda became one of the most hated men in Mozambique­, where cat shows are surprisingly very popular. However, his success as a premier judge was very short–lived, considering he had to retire after a bitter contestant (a Mr. van Tinklevossen) sought revenge on Eric J. After extensive plastic surgery, Furda is just as f(el)ine as he was before.

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Growing up on the cutthroat streets of Canal Street, Charles (of Charles Plaza fame) — then known as Chen–Xi Chen — managed to quickly climb the ranks in the world of organized crime and became a household name among mobsters everywhere (think mafiosos from Rush Hour). When the opportunity to become a major don in Shanghai presented itself, this paisan eliminated his competition and easily gained the respect of his peers, even though he was technically from the States (think Lucy Liu in Kill Bill). Eventually, Charles realized how unrewarding and deplorable his life really was. And so, he fled to Philadelphia where he changed his name and identity (think Mulan in Mulan) so that he could pursue his dream of feeding drunken frat bros and sorostitutes mediocre Chinese food.

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Rebecca Stein is probably one of the most talked about professors at Penn — rumors suggest this Econ whiz is a South African native who also lived in Iswael. The truth is this would–be Tabard was actually born and raised on the sunny, exotic coast of the Jersey Shore. We implore you, however, to liken this award–winning prof to Natalie Portman in Garden State rather than Snooki. Let’s be real, she would not have been as respected if people knew where she was really from.

 
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